GH Recap 12/03: Something about shaft as in mine

Old Mine: What were they mining in upstate New York all those years ago? Why did they abandon it? Answers to these questions are surely more interesting than watching Steve Burton and Kelly Monaco pretend to injure their backs picking up papier mache boulders.

PCPD Bullpen: Liz sits at a desk, and thumbs through mug shots. I wonder if this is the Russian edition of mugshots? She looks haggard and teary eyed. Lucky looks fresh as a daisy. That Greg Vaughn, he never really bothers to do any acting does he?

Who Cares Where: Tracy finds Luke in yet another bar. Why is she following him?

Emily's Closet: Emily sleeps. She is wearing those cute baby mittens that keep her from scratching her face, because she's so wee she has no idea what hands are, or what faces are or why sometimes there is this pain near the place she sees from. Babies are so incompetent. Robin whines that she's a bad mom. Patrick leaves and Emma immediately begins crying. Emma is pretty smart actually. I would do the same thing!

Credits

Nadine apparently hasn't been killed by her own stupidity. Nik shows up at Aunt Raylene's with a very gaudy bouquet. he meets Nadine's lumberjack of a bafoon of a cousin. Lumberjack is angry that Nik is trying to trick Nadine into marrying him. I think he also comments on Nik's princely clothes. I might be making that up. Nadine rushes in and hugs Nik.

Tiki Torture: Oh, I think this is supposed to be the Dominican Republic. It's basically the pizza shack with some gaudy colors and a beaded curtain. Luke has come to head off the divorce, I guess? But why would Tracy ever enter this bar? Is this the courthouse too? She talks about broken glass and being naked, as women on this show are obsessed with doing, and then she leaves. It starts to rain really hard. And Tracy is made of sugar, so she can't leave, I guess.

PCPD: Liz really looks in need of a nap. Sascha shows up and Liz wants to accost her b/c she assumes Sascha knows where Jakeson is. Lucky stops her and says that somehow they can't ask her where Jakeson is because they have to find out what she did with Jake. I don't think the writers even try to make Lucky make sense anymore.

Shaft!: Sam and her black bra continues to help Jason, and what I can only assume is a white bra pick up pieces of papier mache. They bicker about Russians a bit, and then the shaft goes down, which must be a nice change of pace for it.

Commercials

Tiki Torture: Why did Tracy stand in the rain so long that she got sopping wet? Wouldn't you rush in immediately, instead of standing there like Ziggy? There is, of course, no cell phone. There are also no employees. Also, Luke is drinking a pumpkin colored cocktail which is very vomity looking. Luke is calm and sure he's going to win Tracy over. Tracy opens her lovely LV bag and pulls out dry clothes.

Petticoat Junction: I dunno. Nadine yammers sadly about her aunt being ill while Piano Guy plinks away.

GH: Endless conversation between the Brothers Drake, Piph and Layla. Piph teases Patrick for being tired from being a new dad. Layla gets a call about a head trauma, but Piph guilts Patrick into admitting he's too tired to do the surgery. So why doesn't he go home and sleep? Or check into a hotel and sleep? What the hell good is a surgeon who can't do surgeries?

Emma's Closet: Robin holds the baby but instead of singing a sweet song, or telling a sweet story, she whines endlessly about her insecurities and fears. Babies really love that sort of thing, I'm told. Maxie visits and demands that Robin do some primping so she won't traumatize the baby. Robin says Emma doesn't care what she looks like. True, but she's really moved by what you SMELL like, so listen to Maxie and take some time to bathe. It's very nice of Maxie! Maxie is adorable in a black shirt and cream colored sweater with black bows on it. I'm sad about the spit up that's about to adorn it.

Commercials

for some reason Robin doesn't jump at the chance to bathe. I guess she's just so happy to have someone new to whine to. Oh, Maxie is in a black dress, not shirt. It's even cuter, this outfit. She also bought Robin nice clothes so that she doesn't send Emma bad fashion subliminal messages. Robin finally leaves to shower. Maxie coos at a sleeping Emma. I think Emma is made of whatever was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction b/c there is an odd glow coming from the basinet. Also, Maxie, never wake a sleeping baby! Spinelli shows up, and the sound of his voice wakes Emma, who begins to cry. Maxie sticks her fingers in her ears and squints at the racket.

GH; The Brothers Drake, Piph and Layla chat a bit about what they were like as babies. Patrick has decided to combat his exhaustion by drinking coffee. Ah, an exhausted and jittery brain surgeon. Sign me up! Patrick decides to take the next surgery that comes in. Layla is concerned but Piph says Patrick is too arrogant to botch a surgery. Then why was she just harassing the guy?

Shaft!: Sam and Jason bicker about how to get through the 3 inches of cardboard that surrounds them. I wonder why they don't just try kicking it over? Jason moves a papier mache rock and reveals light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure the light symbolizes the end of Jason and Sam's relationship, and the lamp represents the candle Jason holds for Liz. and the cardboard symbolizes Lucky's personality. Sam's chest symbolizes silicon valley. har har

PCPD: Mac interrogates Sascha and says that Russians kidnapped Jake and Sascha is russian therefore, obviously Diego is back from the dead and kidnapping people. Sascha leaves and Liz angrily asks her where her son is. lol, yeah, Liz, that should take care of that! I'm sure Mac didn't bother to ask, so it's a good thing you are here!

Commercials

PCPD: Liz screams at Sascha and begs her to tell her where Jake is. Sascha says she doesn't know. Liz says Jakeson is a baby and needs his mother. Sascha, says "oh, I never thought of it like that. he's in a cabin by the old mine!" Not really. Instead she blames Liez for having a mobster for a boyfriend and thus making her kids a target. Team Sascha! Lucky keeps holding Liz back. He really has very little acting skills, this one. Liz fights against Lucky and calls Sascha a not very nice word that rhymes with witch. Mr. Mad giggles, but I thought Rebecca handled the scene well.

Emma's Closet: Spinelli has calmed Emma and puts her to bed. Maxie plays peakaboo teddy bear with Emma while Spinelli takes a call from Jason. Spinelli plops down on the sofa and busts out El Laptopo to help Jason figure out how to find Russians, or some other impossibly unrealistic thing. Robin emerges clean and in new clothes and silently watches Spinelli talk to a mobster while her baby sleeps. That is pretty bad form, Spinelli. Robin asks Maxie what's going on, and Maxie chirps happily "Spinelli is helping Jason."

Mob Mobile: Jason thanks Spinelli for the magic and unrealistic help. Then Sam bizarrely rubs it in to Jason that his son is missing. I think her intentions are to communicate that she knows this is hard for him, but this is such a horribly clumsy way to go about it. You don't say things like "not knowing where your kid is, and if they are safe" to someone.

Petticoat Junction: Nadine babbles for 3 hours about her effing aunt raylene. it would be fine if she was actually crying about it, but she just babbles and uses a fake crying voice, but it's not even a good fake crying voice like Tamara Braun's. Tyler Christopher looks bored out of his ever loving mind. He tries to flash those doe eyes and seem enchanted, but he fails. I can't even call him Nik in this scene. It just looks like Tyler Christopher in a Nik costume, wishing for death. Some old man walks in and asks why Nik wants to marry his niece.

Tiki Torture: Blah blah Tracy and Luke fight some more. Luke shouts that he chose Tracy over Laura. It's very dramatic, and causes Mr. Mad to chuckle. She tells him to read her lips and leaves. Thunder claps ominously. Or comically. It's getting REALLY hard to tell the difference between the two 'round here.

Commercials

Emma's Closet: Robin throws Spinelli and Maxie out and asks them not to do mob business while babysitting. Emily Post never commented on the etiquette of such things, so it's hardly Maxie's fault! They leave, and Emma begins crying on cue. Robin makes a big ol' production out of finding this annoying. Gee, Robin, maybe if you quit openly hating your baby, she would chill out around you!

GH; patrick tells Piph and Layla to quit mocking him over and over again because he's got it under control. But then he turns around and runs into a nurse pushing a cart. Because you only do that when you are tired. Why was that woman with the cart rolling up behind a doctor without politely saying "behind you!"

PCPD: Liz sobs. her face is all contorted into self loathing and endless weeping. Lucky stupidly tries to calm her, even though she's saying what he's been saying all along. Why do people do that on this show? bitch and moan about something someone is doing that's bad for them, but then let them off the hook when they have an epiphany about it? Liz says her son is gone b/c The Danger knew Jason cared about him "and they knew that b/c of me" She says it's no different than leaving a small child unattended by a swimming pool. Actually, it's a lot worse, but I see your point, Liz.

Other Desolate Cabin, but not the one they were at earlier, or the one Alexis and Ric conceived Molly in, or the one Mary Bishop lived in, or the one Emily was raped in, or any of the ones Jason and Sonny keep fully stocked, this is a Russian-y one. It has some of those mosque-y looking spires on top. Jason and Sam gather outside the door. There is no dead Russian in the doorway, and the windows and latches are intact, so they decide not to knock politely like Lucky did. Sam wants to rush in, but Jason wants to make sure Jakeson is in there. Mr. Mad gigglesnorts at the drama of it all.

Commercials

Emma's Closet: Robin tells crying Emma that she loves her. she lists that her diaper is dry, she's fed and has burped. She wishes Emma would look up and gurgle. patrick comes home, and of course, she stops crying immediately. Mr. Mad giggles and says "that's such a doll!" Robin whines why is she bad at parenting and he's not. Emma asks if she'd like some cheese with that.

Tiki torture: blah blah, they are trapped in the rain and hate each other until thursday when they fall in love again. We know.

Petticoat Junction: Nadine explains that Nik is an actual prince, and Lumberjack and Old Man both laugh and say there are no princes in this country. Nik says she knows he's a descendent from Russian nobility. It's all very stupid and poorly acted and poorly scripted. Let's just cut to the chase: Nik has to marry Nadine because Aunt Rayeffinglyne's wish is to see Nadine married. Not happy, mind you. Not with a lick of sense, mind you. Not successful...just married. To any old doofus. I think that was a porn lick in the geetar, is how random this scene is. There are episodes of Three's Company with more panache.

Other Desolate Cabin: Jason and Sam get ready to make their move....24 hours from now. The music gets dramatic, and Mr. Mad sings along. He's so cute!