GH Recap 12/29: The Danger is Dead....Long Live The Danger

Wedding: Robin rambles endlessly for her vows. They are very sweet, but she's really just recapping their love affair. I would be so bored at a wedding where someone did this. If she mentions a couch, I'm outta here. She promises to love him more than she did yesterday and less than she will tomorrow, and for the rest of her life.

Corinthaus: Jason asks why they have to do this every time. Jason isn't changing his business for Sonny. Sonny says Wheels is not in charge. Jason says Sonny can't trust Wheels....or Trevor or Ric. The reason I love Sonny and Jason fighting is that they can't both be right if they are different sides. It cracks me up that Jason gets the default "always right" setting, and that Sonny is an idiot. The bad news is that we all know that obviously Sonny will one day learn that Wheels shot Kate (even though Jason figured it out 10 years before it happened), and then he'll be all glib and full of himself, when really he should be embarassed that it took so long.

Metrocourt: Carly and Jax puke about their relationship.

Wedding: Patrick has found the most profound experience of his life by loving robin and Emma, and he promises to give back to her all she's given him 10 times over. He promises to love her and Emma for as long s they both live. Robin smiles tearfully up at him.

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Corinthaus: Sonny says it's a....it's a....it's amaaaazing how much you've changed. Jason says Sonny gave him the organization, and thus it's his job to run it as he sees fit. Sonny says it's a...it's amaaaazing how you justify everything. Oh, dear, now I gotta bust out the pot and the kettle again. Sonny makes a phone call. (he dials like Spinelli types, by the way, so I'm sure some poor schlub in Australia is all "G'day, Mate!") Sonny tells someone to send a shipment to Pier 17. Piano Guy plays a maudlin tune with Violin Guy. Jason says "you would challenge me like that? Today of all days. Don't you even remember?"

Wedding: Priest asks for the rings, and Shawn Douglas decides that it's hilarious to make Patrick panic and pretend to have lost the rings. Har dee effing har, oh, whoops, did I just punch your lights out, Shawn? They exchange rings. As on all soap weddings, they somehow managed to memorize the vows that go with the rings and know exactly when to say them. Then they are officially married, and they kiss! Everyone claps! I guess her water didn't break for the delivery of Emma's twin. Maybe later. They walk down the aisle to start their life together. $50 says she's chastising him about something stupid within 4 hours.

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Metrocourt Reception: Anna gets a bit teary eyed in a happy way as she and Robert say they must have done something right in their lives. Maxie remains very much in need of a valium and complains that Jason couldn't cancel the crime wave for one day and come to the wedding, and that Liz isn't there either. Mac randomly knows that Liz went out of town with her kids. Robin and Patrick show up to applause.

Sam's Apartment: jax stops by to talk about Jerry.

Corinthaus: Sonny stuttermopes that he remembers Chucky. He says he doesn't need Jason to remind him of the guilt he carries every day of his life. Well, you need SOMEONE to remind you, ding dong. Jason mutters "this is me not giving an inch" or something like that, but he says out of respect for Chucky, he won't stop The Shipment today. He says if it happens again, he will be prepared to stop The Shipment and do what he needs to do. Jason pulls out of Sonny's back door. Ok. That was a bit much, sorry.

Metrocourt: Robin does that cute thing where she starts trying on the words "my husband" for the first time. Gawd, the reason for honeymoons is so the poor friends and family of the newlyweds don't have to watch them relish saying "Husband, would you hand me my shoes?" "Why, yes, wife, I'd be happy to." Robin and Patrick share their first dance. There doesn't seem to be music playing, though.

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Wedding Reception: Robin and Patrick end their dance to what sounds like the most dreadful pop song ever. Was Rie Sinclair on strike or something? Robin and Anna dance while Robert and Robin dance. Anna tells Patrick she's glad he found her daughter. Patrick promises to be good to her. Maxie fidgets a bit because Maxie apparently has a crack addiction today. Shawn Douglas asks her to dance. Shawn D asks about Spinelli, and she says he's her friend. He says Spin is kind of weird, and Maxie says if he's going to put Spinelli down, she's done dancing. Shawn doesn't apologize but he changes the subject. Spinelli, meanwhile, watches in great pain from the bar. Robin and Robert dance, and he gives her advice. he says that making a family requires a constant presence, so don't make the mistakes he and Anna made. Robin says she doesn't blame them, and she's responsible for her own happiness. She tells him that he and Anna are officially off the hook, and they did a good job. Robert makes a cute "yay" noise and smiles gigantically at her.

Sam's Apartment: Sam is whispering something to Jax. I think it's about the drugs and the seductispying and such. Jax can't help but to believe Jerry managed to pull it off and make it look like he died. Sam sympathetically says she really doesn't think so because of where Jerry was when the boat exploded. Will someone wipe the ketchup off of Kelly Monaco's face, please? Jax says he's sorry for everything Sam went through. She insists she put herself in danger and chose the path. Jax says he's sorry just the same. Sam tells Jax that, for what it's worth, Jerry only ever spoke of Jax with love. He thanks her and leaves.

Wedding Reception: Robert watches Anna and Luke dance. Robin sits with Mac and says she hopes he didn't feel upstaged with Robert walking her down the aisle. He kindly laughs and says he feels nothing but happiness and sees nothing but all the milestones he got to be a part of in her life, and he's grateful he got to live through it all with her. sniff. She says she loves him so much, and then she cuts in on Patrick and Maxie dancing. Again with the "Hello, Husband." "Hello, Wife" She says she doesn't think she'll ever get used to it. I have to admit, I still get giggly about it, so she may be right. Robert wants to make a speech.

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Wedding Reception: Robert and Anna make loving toasts to the marriage.

Corinthaus: Sonny sits around moping.

Wedding Reception: Edward begs Luke to win Tracy back, so she'll quit making them all miserable. he says get something diamond-y and make them all believe it.

Robin and Patrick start to cut the cake, and Robert and Anna remember back to wee, adorable Robin and telling her she's a love child. The hell? Why would they say that to her. Also, Anna's hair is eighties-rific. No, it's eighties in TEXAS-rific. Robin has a squeaky little voice and tells them to just assure her they love her forever. Mr. Mad groans that it's sooo awful. Robert and Anna promise, and Robin says she fowgives them and tells them not to evew do that again. They giggle. Robert asks Anna in the present if she remembers the night they told Robin she was their daughter. Anna says "oh my God, I was just thinking that." Mr. Mad giggles and asks "what does that even mean, the night we told you you were our daughter?" I tell him it's a long story. Robin and Patrick eat cake.

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Whole Foods: Sonny has stopped by to see Chucky on his birthday, and Carly allows it. Oh, it's actually Dylan Cash. Carly sits and holds Chucky's hand and remembers once buying him every toy she could find, but Sonny trumped her by buying an ATV. She says he loves Sonny so much, and it's well deserved. Oh, I'm so totally over these idiots commending each other on being good parents WHEN THEY ARE IN A WHOLE FOODS to visit their kid. They both cry and Sonny says he's just so sorry. She says he doesn't have to keep saying that. I agree. But he COULD quit killing people and doing stuff that makes other people want to kill him and his loved ones. Carly idiotically says they make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes blow back on the people we care about, and there is nothing we can do. That is insane, that line of thinking. Or, it's at the very least the way an addict thinks. They sit around and forgive each other and themselves and then walk out the door to immediately wreak more havoc and violence. Shut up, Sonny's tears. gawd.

Sam's Apartment: Jason shows up b/c Sam beckoned him. She says Agent Raynor is still investigating the case, but she thought it was closed. Jason says that Raynor offered him immunity for rolling over on Sonny, but he turned him down. Sam says of course he did. She says that Raynor was asking about Spinelli. This bothers Jason, and he says as much. Mr. Mad does a good Jason impression and growls "It bothers me too."

Wedding Reception: Oh, dears. Spinelli fantasizes to dancing with Maxie while singing that song about loving the way you hold your knife, which is the most oddly romantic line I can think off, honestly. To love someone so much that the way they cut their food makes you feel wiggly? That's good stuff! They dance adorably. Bradford Anderson's voice is very nice, but it's a bit pageanty. I am surprised Mr. Mad is just letting this slide, until I realize he hasn't looked up. When he does, he guffaws and says "Oh, I appreciate this so much more now that I realize it's that weird little dude." Maxie jolts Spinelli out of his fantasy.

The End

GH Recap 12/26: I Going to the Chapel (again)

It's Robin and Patrick's wedding day.

Jason tells Spinelli that the Russians are leaving town. Spinelli thinks this means that Jason and Sonny can return to brokebacking, but Jason looks dubious.

Corinthaus: Meanwhile, Sonny is up to no good, and speaks on the phone about having a shipment land at Pier 17, which is Jason's territory. Claud says this is ill conceived.

Emma's Closet: Maxie is a hurricane of lines. She says an entire page long monologue as one long word, and promises it will be the happiest day of Robin's life if it kills her. She says it cheerfully, with gusto, but it is also clearly a threat. Robin picks up Emma and Mac remembers back to the Dreadful Day that Robin broke the news to him that she's HIV positive. In the present Mac says that no matter how hard he tried to hope, he was always afraid this day would never come, which makes it more precious. He smooches Emma's forehead.

Sam's Hospital Room: Lucky shows up to be pouty and sulky. I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to be, I'm just saying Greg Vaughn in a pretty lousy actor for scenes like this and confuses talking in a low voice with emoting. Sam tries to explain why she didn't call him and did something as dangerous as getting into a mobster's van, but there is no excuse, so she can only make lame ones. He says he's glad she's okay and leaves.

Jason's Penthouse: Jason is in a good mood, for him. He sits on the sofa and puts his feet up because he naively believes that because The Danger left town it means there is not a new The Danger on its way in. Or already here, as the case may be.

Corinthaus: Claud thinks it's selfish for Sonny to go to Robin's wedding and rain on her happy day, since he's evil and bride's get shot or left at the alter whenever he's involved. Heh, that's sort of awesome that she just called him on that. Sonny asks what's up with her and the laptop. Since when is sitting in a living room with a laptop suspicious? Isn't that why laptops exist? He whispers that he's going to find out what she's trying to hide. Then he annoyingly flashed the dimples and winks at her and makes a gotcha click with his mouth. and then to show he's a really super good actor, he drops the smile. Oh, do you see what he did there? He pretended to be happy and charming, but really he is quite angry with her. Man, that Maurice Bernard, it's like he's taken every acting lesson there is! He asks her to just come clean with her secret. If I were Claud I'd just say I had a bad online porn habit and leave it at that. But also, if I were claud, I'd watch the DVD's in my own room and not in the living room/office. Commercials

Corinthaus: Claud skips the porn thing, but says that she wants to have sex, so she has to sneak around. Sonny says it's icky to sneak around with Ric. Claud says "that girl Elizabeth Webber really did a number on him, and he still believes in love." Um, then why did he try to kill Liz and feed her birth control pills, and what else was it? oh, right, PANIC ROOM. Claud says love at first sight doesn't happen. Sonny says she's wrong and uses Robin and Stone as an example. Ah, yes, and look how well that turned out, Sonny. Sonny gets annoyed with himself for confiding in Claud about Stone, so he leaves in a huff. Leaving Claud to carefully file away that tidbit to use to her advantage at will. (or also, never b/c she's a stupid woman and is only useful for falling in love with men for no reason. but on a GOOD show, she'd be filing that info away)

Bridal Room: Anna and Robin get ready (again) for the wedding. Chapel: Mac and Robert hang out, being dapper in the tuxes. Mac realizes Robert is incredibly nervous. Roberts says that Mac has done all the tough stuff raising Robin, and he never thanked him for that. he hasn't? hasn't he been back from the dead for quite awhile now? What a jerk.

Jason's Penthouse: Maxie and her faux fur show up to pick up Spinelli. Maxie knocks on wood and says that big weddings in this town always end in disaster. Spinelli says The Danger has lessened, and the weather channel hasn't reported any natural disasters. Maxie is dubious, and the lights flicker in Jason's apartment. Oh, snap, maybe everyone in town forgot to pay their electric bill at the same time. That would make since as I've yet to see anyone ever check the mail.

Chapel: Sonny shows up and has the audacity to give Patrick a man to man talk. Really, Sonny? You do this on his wedding day? If you have anything but blessings, you really are supposed to take care of that well in advance. No one actually wants to hear anyone at the "speak now or forever hold your peace bit" Patrick very, VERY graciously says he knows that Robin means a lot to Sonny, and even though Patrick owes Sonny NOTHING, and it's in fact Sonny who owes Patrick a great deal of gratitude for having to operate on Sonny's stupid family that Sonny is forever putting in harm's way, even though all of that, Patrick promises he is taking his promise to Robin very seriously. The two men shake hands. Sonny nods gravely, as if he's really created or accomplished anything by this conversation.

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Corinthaus: Claud hangs around and blasts the sound as Jerry once again blathers about the first stupid bag of puzzles are hidden in the window to her soul. She crawls up on a chair that is placed dangerously close to the fireplace and looks around the mantle. Jason walks in and sharply asks what she's looking for.

Chapel: Robert joins Patrick on a pew. Patrick asks if he's about to get the Father-in-Law talk. Robert asks Patrick to think about years from now, when Emma is getting married, what he'd want the groom to say, and what he'd want to say to the groom. Patrick says that he'd want the man to know that his daughter is the most precious thing that has ever drawn breath, and at first I think Robert is really wimping out on the FIL/Son-in-law talk, but Patrick doesn't see it that way, and he continues with a rather gorgeous speech about what he'd want the man to say, about how he knows it won't be easy, but he won't take her for granted, and that's how he believes their love will grow each day, and he will cherish and trust and mostly love her. Patrick's eyes get teary and he says to Robert that this is what he wants with Robin, with Robert's blessing. Robert nudges him kindly with his shoulder and says "now that wasn't so bad was it."

Bridal Room: Robin has her make up done. Anna gets a bit teary and asks if she thought this day would come. Not to be rude, but didn't they just have 90% of this day already? Anna left Robin's gift in the car, so she runs out, so that Robin can have a chance to go down Memory Lane. She remembers showing Stone the mantilla Anna wore when she got married. aw, now, I'm just a big ol' mess because my mother and aunt both wore mantilla's for their wedding. You can click on the link to see photos, but it's basically like a veil, but is typically lace and goes over the top of the head but not over the face. She says she's pictured herself wearing one since she was a little girl. Stone puts the mantilla over her head, and she's so young and beautiful that it's hard not to smile at the TV. Stone makes an audible smile and says that she's going to make a beautiful bride. Robin stirs from her reverie, as Sonny comes in. She hops up, and the greet with a big hug.


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Sam's Apartment: Sam is good as new, so I guess her leg wasn't injured? She dreamt that part too? Anyhoo, Sam and Alexis go to Sam's apartment and she tells Alexis that she dreamt that Alexis was there urging her to stay alive, and it worked. They smile beautifully at each other. Sam enters the apartment, and Lucky is there. Alexis asks what is up with them. Lucky says they faked a break up so that Sam could investigate the drug smuggling. Oh, wait, what? They faked another break up? Or...do these two idiots think people go around keeping track of whether or not they are dating? Alexis is pleased that Lucky has so much faith in Sam, and she leaves. Then Sam confirms that Lucky is talking about the break up they faked, like 18 years ago. He is at her apartment all the time, so who do they think they are tricking? Besides all the people who arent paying the slightest bit of attention? Whatever, Sam asks if they are still fighting.

Chapel: ShawnD listens happily as Patrick says he's madly in love with Robin and his little girl. He likes the public acknowledgment part of the whole thing.

Chapel II: Luke and Robert meet up. Luke assures Robert that he's done a lot of stuff to be proud of. Basically, it sounds like Robert has been being Jack Bauer all this time. That makes sense. I mostly hate Jack's annoying daughter on that show. In fact, I've never been able to forgive Kevin Dillon for saving her from the mountain lion. But I digress. Luke leaves, so Anna shows up. I guess because otherwise AARP would demand the audience pay dues to watch the show. Maxie shows up to randomly dither that there is impending doom, she just doesn't know what it is. Okay, Cassandra, that's about enough of that.

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Bridal Room: Robin laughs at her tears and says she was just thinking about Stone. How he wanted her to go on and have a full life and find love. She says at the time she didn't think it was possible. She smiles sweetly and says "but here I am again." Sonny says no one deserves love more than her. He says she has turned into the most amazing woman, and she's so lucky to be able to find happiness again. he wishes her and patrick the best life together, and he's so sincere, and his voice catches a bit, and I forgive him for being all bizarre with Patrick earlier. She giggles tearfully and says she's been thinking about the people who helped her get here, and he's certainly one of them. If she hadn't had his support after Stone died, she wouldn't be here. His eyes fill with tears, and he raspily croaks out that she gives him too much credit and says Jason was the one who helped her. She smiles and says she's blessed to have them both. Aw.

Corinthaus: Claud deflects Jason's question and asks if this is a pre-emptive strike, and if he's come to take Sonny out. Jason asks why she's acting all goofy. Honestly, I've seen four year olds with crumbs all over their face, standing before a broken cookie jar, who have given more convincing "what cookies?" faces. Jason angrily demands to know what she's looking for.

Chapel Foyer: Edward shakes Patrick's hand. Epiphany, Kelly and Lainey clearly called each other to design their attire because they've chosen an alluring blend of blacks and purples. Edward hilariously calls Epiphany on her bullshit. Ha, Edward rules! Piph couldn't care less, though, and continues to deride Patrick in front of 1/3 of his guests that she's glad his courtship is finally over. Sonya Eddy is such a better actress than this role requires. It's one thing if Mac teases Robert. He LOVES him. But Piph clearly sort of hates Patrick, so it's only ridiculous that she'd chastise him on his wedding day in front of guests. But they all just laugh like a bunch of morons, nonetheless. Oh, har de har har, it's so hilarious that your co-worker hates you and openly mocks you. So weird. Spinelli assures Maxie that there are no storms brewing. Maxie asks "and Carly?" (good point. She IS worst natural disaster of them all) Spinelli says Carly's busy all day. Maxie says they can't let their guards down until it's really over.

Bridal Room: Robert remembers meeting teeny, tiny, incredibly huggable Robin for the first time. oh dear, I may have to rewind that, that was so cute! He asks "who are you?" and she smiles "My name's robin." In the present, Robert opens the door, and there is grown up Robin, looking ravishing in her bridal regalia. He says he's the luckiest dad in the world while she smiles a big ol' bride-y smile.

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Sam's Apartment: Lucky talks to Cameron and says he wishes he'd been with him on Christmas. The hell? Why didn't he see them on Christmas? Oh, I guess Liz took the boys somewhere for the holidays? Where on earth would they go? Were they visiting Sarah or some other incredibly unlikely thing? Whatever, show. Lucky gets off the phone and is done pouting. He wants to smile and be honest and together. Sam says she wants that too, so they kiss.

Corinthaus: Claud gets out of the whole thing by saying she has stuff to do and fleeing. Jason sees an ornament with Chucky's picture in it and gets sad. Sonny shows up and says he saw Robin. Jason says Sonny decided to stay away too this time. Sonny mumbles something about what Jason is doing here. Jason says he ran The Danger out of town, so Sonny doesn't need The Danger, "So please, Sonny, I'm asking you, to send that alliance and walk away." (and back into my arms is implied)

Chapel: Pachelbel's Canon in D begins as Maxie and Mac take their seats, and the priest and Patrick shake hands, and Anna kisses Robin and then goes down the aisle. Here Comes the Bride begins, and everyone stands, and Robert walks a smiling Robin down the aisle. This time her dress is white and it's a fitted, strapless bodice, and chapel train. There are a series of concentric circles from top to bottom, and it's lovely. She could be a wedding cake. Robin and Patrick make it to the altar (again). But then her water breaks, and it turns out it was twins! Or maybe. We'll have to wait until Monday. The end

GH Recap 12/19: Speed-the-plow

Carly's House: Carly has busted out the Christmas ornaments for the tree. Jax shows up with a gift for the little boy who lives upstairs. Carly is too exhausted to pick a fight. Monty runs downstairs and asks with a face full of hope if Jax is going to spend Christmas with them. Such a cute kid, that one.

Corinthaus: Claud is still listening to Jerry's annoying voice. Sonny walks in and asks what she's hiding.

Sink Hole: Sascha and Jason are still on the phone talking about Sam. Sascha has hilariously been watching Sam try to Mario Brothers her way out of this hole this entire time and warns that if Jason doesn't find her soon, she won't be around to find.

Credits.

Emma's Closet: Anna shows up to say she got all the stuff in London that Robin wanted. Oh, so does that explain where she's been. Anna hears someone walk in, and it turns out to be Robert! Anna asks if his oncologist knows he's here. robert says he only has cancer in a parallel universe that has nothing to do with GH. Or really, he just smiles mysteriously.

Carly's House: Carly explains that Jax will be with Lady Jane b/c she needs her son like Carly needs Monty. Jax decides to let the kid open his gift now. I hope it's a Z-box like on OLTL! Oh, it's just a generic "video game system" I suppose they also use cotton swabs instead of Q-tips and drink carbonated beverages instead of Pepsi?

Corinthaus: Sonny finally notices the cheerfully decorated tree and angrily asks what she's done. Well, Sonny, she's done what she already emphatically said she'd do.

Jason's Penthouse: Sascha demands that Jason meet him on the pier, or Sam dies. Jason tells Spinelli where he's going (Ahem, SAM, see how smart adventure junkies do it? they have a buddy they tell stuff to. Sam needs a Starsky) Spinelli objects and says if Jason gets killed then the world is doomed. He's less dramatic, but we all know it's true. It'd be like in Superman II when Superman decided to become Clark Kent full time so he could bang Lois, and then those evil phantom dudes took over the White House. Gawd, I love that movie!

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Carly's House: Monty plays with his video game console. Oh, he is pretty young. I guess it should be more Leapfrog than Zombie Killers. The box looks like it holds fun, educational delight for a little kid. Carly ruins Monty's fun and tells him to go upstairs and put on the special zen music earphones she bought him so he won't hear Mommy and _______ fighting all the time. Carly thanks Jax for being a good stepdad. Jax remembers how happy they were last year, and she wonders how they got here. (when were they happy? doesn't he always go surfing this time of year and abandon her or Skye or Brenduh?)

Corinthaus: Claud says she knows he's mad at the universe for Chucky's coma. He angrily (but rightly) says it wasn't God or the universe that got Chucky shot "it was MEEEEE!" and then he throws something and breaks it. Aw, Sonny DOES love Claudia! He only breaks crystal when it's true love.

GH: Patrick and Shawn Douglas bicker a little bit about Shawn Douglas' gift to Emma. Patrick invites Shawn to his wedding the day after Christmas. he also asks him to be his best man. Shawn Douglas is quite flummoxed.

Emma's Closet: Robert and Anna have tea. He assures her he's in remission, but she's going to check up at the clinic to make sure. He says she's welcome to call them b/c he's being honest. Then they bicker about being able to kick each other's booties. Robin comes home and jubilantly asks them what they are doing. Anna guiltily says they are fighting. Robert says they are playing catch up, and then he pats her fanny in such a way that makes her wiggly.

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Emma's Closet: Robin cuddles Emma. I'm so sure that Robert and Anna could just stand there and not grab that cutie baby from her. I fully plan on handing my kid off before my mom even says hello. Robert holds her and gives her a bottle. She gives out a few squeels. Robin is doing a good job of pretending like she doesn't hate her baby, so Emma relaxes. Robert sweetly says that Emma is proof he did something right in this world. He tells her he was in the hospital knocking on heaven's door, then he jokes it was probably the other place, but he knew there was something he needed to do. He kisses her forehead when she coos and says "you, my darling, were definitely worth the fight." aw!

Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli wonders why Jason is going to endanger himself. Jason grumpily says Sam saved Jakeson, so what does Spinelli want him to do? Well, for starters, you can only save people who don't purposefully put themselves in danger. Love ya, Sam, but COME ON!

Sink Hole: Sam writhes in pain, her face wet with tears, and her leg clearly broken or otherwise terribly injured. She tries to get back up, but she falls down in agony.

Carly's House: Carly cries about missing Chucky. Monty runs downstairs with a picture he made of Lady Jane. Jax says he's a great artist. Monty says "I miss you." and hugs Jax and causes Carly to sob. Gee, Carlidiot, maybe you should thought of THIS MOMENT when you traded in your marriage to save that jerkweed mobster, Sonny. You won't let Sonny see Monty, so why would you give up the one man you do think is worthy of your demon spawn?

Corinthaus: Sonny is in rare form for this scene. Claud says Sonny didn't put Chucky in a coma b/c he was the intended target. Sonny says he should have had guards (yes, 24/7) He says he should have reacted differently when he saw the rifle (you mean diving for your lover instead of your child? right again!) Sonny strikes at the air with his fist and talks about the people who continue to hurt people. He says Devlin crossed the line when he tried to kill him in front of his child. This jerkmonster doesn't even see it as Devlin's main sin was firing when a kid was present. Sonny is the worst. Claud apologizes for making Christmas worse for him. Sonny says the only gift he wants is to find out if the man who shot his son had an accomplice. claud holds back tears and says Devlin paid with his life. Sonny whispers, in what I believe is supposed to be a threatening way "it's not enough"

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Nurse's Station: Patrick finds Shawn Douglas and asks if he is going to be his best man. Shawn-D asks about Coleman,a nd Patrick says he'll understand. Shawn-D says he had plans with football and big screen and cheerleaders. Patrick says there are DVR's. Okay, dude, whathefuckever. A man may very well give up other women, but what kind of confirmed bachelor gives up bowl games for a dorky wedding with only 14 people attending? Seriously, have that nonsense after the 5th. Or did Patrick go to some lame school with a crappy football team? That must be it. oh, and GO GATERS, if you don't mind. Rip their lungs out, 'kay? Patrick sincerely says he wants Shawn-D there, and he agrees.

Emma's Closet: Anna and Robert watch Emma sleep, as you do when a baby is in the room. Robert tells her to quit look at him with a sappy face. Robin says they can't help being sappy since he was dying and now he's healthy. Anna says seeing him with Emma was a lovely moment. Robert asks Robin if she wants him here or not. She says of course she does, but she doesn't want him to risk his life over it. Robert promises he's in great shape, and his doctor's signed off on it. Robin says she'd rather take his word. Anna moans at how many times she's been there, done that. heh. then they stand and watch Emma fidget and coo. Robert says he sees a lot of Robin and Anna. Robin says she sees a lot of Patrick. Anna says she is the spitting image of Robin. Robin and Anna talk a bit about how Robert didn't even know Robin as a baby. Then they tease each other for being grandparents, while Robin beams at her two parents who were totally dead to the point she spoke to their ghosts when she was diagnosed with HIV, but who are now living and breathing, or at least, remarkably charming zombies. Regardless, it must feel nice to have them around.

Alleydocks: Sascha and Jason meet. Sascha recaps how many times Sam has been in her grasp. She also says Sam fell and now they get to have this nice little talk, and she sounds so much like Heidi Klum Seal saying "we are going to have a little chat" before the judging, that I get confused about what show I'm watching. Jason impatiently asks what her point is.

Christmas Fantasy: sarly sobs over a Super heart breaking memory that I can't imagine ever happened of Carly, Sonny, Chucky and Monty having a merry, cheerful, family moment, hanging stockings. In the present she looks at the bare mantel, paralized by whether or not you hang your son's stocking who lives at a Whole Foods. Is it more heart breaking to see it sitting there, or just to have Monty's? She holds her face in her hands. And yeah, dum dum, this is why I don't get why you chose the cretin who got your son shot over the man who wanted to move heaven and earth to keep your kids safe?

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Corinthaus: Carly calls Sonny and says she needs to see him in person. Claud asks where he's going, but he dismissively tells her not to wait up. I guess Sonny gave up on the whole "winning Claud over" bit?

Emma's Closet: Robin jokes that she went into labor in the first ceremony, so Robert could be here for the 2nd one. Robert asks what she needs for the wedding, but Robin says Maxie has it all under control. robert asks how Patrick is handling all this. Robin says he's the best, and emma likes him more than her (though she says it like she's kidding.) Patrick shows up, surprised to see Robert. Robert teases he couldn't stay away b/c he has to give the FIL/SIL chat. My dad and his brothers give The Real Man test to all the grooms in the family. None of the women ever know what it is. I have my guesses. I know you have to be really, really drunk to administer it!

Alleydocks: Sascha tells Jason that he's hurt The Danger, and they are wondering whether they can stay in this random town that can't possibly be all that lucrative for one mob syndicate, much less 8, and they are considering leaving town.

Sink Hole: Alexis appears to Sam and sternly tells her that she can't go to sleep, or she'll freeze to death. Sam mumbles that Alexis is just in her mind. Alexis says she's telling her what she already knows. "You can save yourself, but you have to get up and keep moving." Sam snuggles back against the rock.

Corinthaus: Claud goes back to listening to Jerry ramble endlessly about his stupid game and the stupid marriage. He goes on and on until even Claud yells "oh, get to the point, you psycho!" Also, was it St. Patrick's Day when Jerry recorded this? That's the only excuse for the ugly green jacket and the sickly green tint. Jerry gives a stupid clue about the window of her soul. So, apparently the GH writers moonlight as Survivor treemail writers? I hope they all start rhyming, and that Claud has to do a bunch of stupid puzzles!

Commercials

Emma's Closet: Anna and Robert leave to run an errand. I think it's so dumb when they don't give extra padding to a new mom on these shows. Or couldn't they at least dress Robin in something other than tight jeans a few weeks after she gives birth? Robin and Robert talk about the first day they met and how it was love at first sight. Robin asks how Robert really is, and at first seems to be asking doctorly questions, but then she asks him if he can walk her down the aisle.

Sink Hole: Alexis sternly but lovingly tells her she has to stay awake. Sam says now she knows she's dreaming b/c Alexis doesn't like being her mother. Alexis says maybe that's not true, and that's why Sam is imagining her. Sam weepily says she wants her mother to save her. Alexis regretfully says her mother can't save her, but Sam can save herself. Then she sternly repeats that Sam has to get up and start moving. Sam takes a deep breath and struggles to stand.

Alleydocks: Jason is on the phone and tells Bernie to send something now. Sascha checks her phone and is pleased with the results. Sascha says she's happy to leave this place and is glad that Jason will beat those sons of bitches (which, is quickly becoming my favorite curse word) Suddenly we hear a silencer shot, and Sascha is shot in the back. Jason catches her and desperately says he gave her what she wanted, so she has to tell him where Sam is. Well, jason, see, sometimes when people are shot they DIE. They don't always have art studio supplies at the ready.

Carly's House: Sonny shows up and asks what was so important. Monty shows up smilingly and wishes his dad a Merry Christmas. Sonny, for all his evil and cynicism and self-loathing, can't wipe the giant smile off his face.

The end

GH Recap 12/11: Day after caps

Emma's Closet: Robin whines about her kid. Patrick assures her. But Emma is crying as Patrick holds Emma, so it seems like her theory is wrong. Robin hates her baby, though, so she leaves in a huff. Poor Baby.

Corinthaus: I guess Olivia wanders around town with a fresh change of clothes? Because it's morning at Corinthaus, and she's in new clothes...and that blouse would clearly need to be ironed. Claud snottily tells Olivia she's better now and should leave. Sonny walks in and Olivia asks if that's what Sonny wants.

Liz's Mansion: Lucky and Liz bring the boys home.

Courthouse: Sam and Jason discuss that they have to give testimony. Jason doesn't want Sam to get in trouble, but she says she made a choice and will answer for the things she did.

Credits

Corinthaus: Claud does the Port Charles Gazette crossword puzzle in pen. Sonnny agrees that Olivia would be better off not here (meaning around Claud's bitchiness). Olivia decides to walk home to Kate's, but she has to talk to Sonny first and almost accidentally tell him about his son 8 times.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Maxie breezes in, delighted that she and Looloo have the apartment now. I don't get why it's partially furnished with stuff from the 80's. I do love that it has the exact same mantle that is in one of my mom's rooms. Maxie says the house has potential, but Looloo the horrible only sees the hard work. Maxie says she gets the bigger bedroom, because it has the bigger closet, and she has better clothes. Even I couldn't argue with that. (and I'd have been the roommate with the crappy clothes)

Q Manse: Tracy and Edward remember that ELQ is a company. They complain that the stock is down. Gee, writers, how topical. They complain about how Tracy's gallavanting after Luke affected the company. Or, you know, maybe it's the planetary recession. Luke runs in to pretend he's drunk because he knows he can behave however he wants, and she won't divorce him. Luke, I've seen people take this tact on Survivor. They assume being a jerk will get them to the finals b/c no one would vote for them, but eventually they overstay their welcome and are snuffed. Con cuidado, is what I'm saying.

Liz's Manse: Liz is in the mood to be nice to Lucky this week and to be thankful for his help. Why is she wearing my Christmas napkins as a shirt? They decide to go on a family outing. Liz gets a call that causes Music of Malady to play. Liz is concerned by the call and says The Danger is not over after all.

Courthouse: You'll be happy to know that Jason's cuts are 10 times more healed than they were the day before. Sam remains in such a philosophical mood lately. She says she feels like Dorothy and has been living the excitement of flying monkeys and opium naps, but now she's back in Kansas and it's all lacking vibrancy. She laughs at her metaphor, saying he hasn't seen the Wizard of Oz and doesn't know what she's talking about. Jason, is Superjase, though, so he turned on his metaphor translator program and solemnly says he does understand.

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Park Bench: Mac finds Robin. Did she call him, or did he randomly run into her. I love that this park is like Central Park, and you can hear the traffic noises in the distance. My friends and I tried to post to you once when we visited NYC, but we couldn't do it from our phone. I still feel stupid that we never made it to the Whole Foods in Union Square to visit the produce section and give our regards to Michael. Anyways, Robin whines about her baby.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Looloo's hair is so long lately. Maxie adds that she's going to have to listen to Loo and Johnny go at it, so she gets the big room. Looloo takes off her coat and snots "jealous much?" Spinelli visits, and Maxie and Looloo drape themselves over him. Maxie says he's here just in time. Spinelli cutely asks "dare I ask for what?" and it's a visual joke and normally the music starts going "brown chicken brown cow" if this were a different type of movie. But it's just this soap, so the Strings of Silliness plink away. Looloo says they need an unbiased opinion. Maxie interrupts and angrily asks "should someone get the bigger bedroom just b/c they plan on having sex?"

Spencer Home: Liz has changed out of her Christmas napkin shirt. She has to go to court, I guess. She tells Lucky that when she thinks about what she did to her boys, it makes her sick. She needs to face this, so she never has to think about it again. (until she falls for Dante)

Courthouse: The music becomes sort of ephemeral. Jason comments to Sam that she stayed calm the whole time. She says she's just glad she could help. Diane comes out to call them in. For some dumb reason they are being interviewed together. We meet Special Agent Thoma Raynor. He used to be Grant Harrison on Another World. I wish I was watching that show right now. He pops a mint and leans forward to angrily says "The report reads like a wild west movie with Russians." He gives the body count and asks why they both shouldn't be charged with murder. I guess because neither has council present, so any charges wouldn't stick?

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Q Manse: Luke acts like a big ol' drama queen and says he thinks he can drink himself to liver failure in a matter of weeks. Tracy suggests he go suck some fruit in France. She doesn't exactly say that, but close enough. Luke says this is not about Laura. He stands up an stumbles to her and starts to kiss her, but she blanches and says there is no alcohol on his breath, and he's faking.

Corinthaus: Sonny assures Olivia she's welcome to stay, but he honestly thinks she better. He tells her to be more careful next time. Um, what, the next time she walks home? Look out for Russians? What a stupid show. Olivia is sad for Sonny's life. he grumpily tells her not to be sad b/c he knows what he's doing. But he sinks back on the couch and stares ahead and looks so crazy and angry and bitter, that even I feel a little bad for the guy. Olivia sadly says that the first time he said he knew what he was doing was when he started down the path towards mobsterdom. She says he does know what he's doing, and he knows exactly how much it will cost him.

SA Raynor's office: Sam and Jason tell the story to Raynor. Thankfully, we cut ahead for big chunks of the story. OMG< I forgot Jason and Sam were trapped in a papier mache mine for awhile there. Raynor is doing this annoying thing where he's pretending to have a deep and gravelly voice. Either that or the actor playing him is a two pack a day man. He asks whose idea was it to get Jakeson themselves without calling the cops. Jason and Sam intone at the same time "mine."

Commercials

Raynor's Office: Sam says it was the only viable plan, given the situation. Raynor is dubious that this pint sized woman going into roadhouse full of armed Russian mobsters was a good idea. When he puts it like that, it does sound incredibly ill advised. Now Raynor is over enunciating his words, like he's that Elf King guy from the Matrix. What is that actor's name? I love that guy. He enunciates that the report indicates they acted in defense of a minor child (so what was with the wild west jabs and the murder charge earlier?), and he's prepared to drop it.

Casa de 3's a crowd: Maxie adn Loo argue about the room. Maxie points out that she wants to be a success, and Looloo is just a dilettante. Spinelli wisely points out that they should decide up front things like sharing refrigerator space and cleaning and shopping duties. Truer words were never spoken, but boys are smart and girls are dumb, so they still only care about the big room. Shut up, Guza. They consider drawing cards for the room. Why not flip a coin? I doubt either woman carries a deck of cards around. Johnny shows up and Loo says she can't wait to show him her room, as soon as it's hers.

Q Mansion: I love these actors, but the repetition is beyond annoying. Tracy finally convinces Luke she's done with him, so he angrily says he's going on a bender. Oh, that's so charming! Luke leaves and Tracy runs after him, but Alan stops her and mocks her for still caring. He asks what she'd do if Luke really did drink himself to death. Oh, lord, we aren't going to have an It's a Wonderful Like Tracy-style this year, are we?

Corinthaus: Sonny confides to Max about this big, stupid plan that he thinks the Z's shot Kate and wants to find out from Claud if this is true, so he's going to pretend that she's getting to him.

Courthouse: Jason and Sam are done with the questioning. Sam points out that Sascha got away with all of this unscathed. Jason's eyes grow dark and murdery and he says he'll handle her. Sam exhales sharply and answers "not if I see her first." Aw, those two crazy, cold blooded killin' kids. How can they not see how right they are for each other? It's like in the Gift of the Magi when Della cut off her long hair and braided it into a noose and killed their enemy, while Jim sold his watch in exchange for a Glock and also killed the same enemy? So romantic!

Commercials

Casa de 3s a Crowd: Spinelli and Johnny are going to pick cards. High card gets the big bedroom. Spinelli draws a Jack. Maxie is giddy. Johnny pulls the ace of spades....which, these people are such losers, that they didn't make devil hands and sing "the ace of spaaaaades" like they are in a Motorhead video. Looloo then announces it's good she has the big room b/c Johnny will be living with them. That is such horseshit. Spinelli objects.

Park Bench: honk honk! There goes the bus! Also, I think kids are playing on the swingset devoted to Chucky. Mac tries to encourage Robin not to hate her baby so much. Patrick shows up and happens upon them. Just like in Central Park where you can just easily happen upon someone else on a bench. Because it's not gigantic at all. it's not like you can wear yourself out walking through a 1/3 of it.

Sam's Apartment: Sam wanders around her drab, gray, Kansas apartment and tries to unclick her heels. Lucky shows up and embraces her, saying he's glad she's safe. Did they really not have this conversation in the 24 hours she's been home?

Courthouse: Diane goes over business with Jason and says he and Sam made a good impression. Jason stares at Liz approaching. Diane realizes he's not listening and says he's on fire. He just tells her he can go. She warns against a heart to heart with Liz, but realizes she's talking to herself, so she leaves. Jason asks how jakeson is and if she's here to make a statement. She says Jakeson is fine, and she's here to meet Raynor. He gravely asks her to ask Raynor to explain to her how the Russians died.

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Emma's Closet: Patrick cutely dancese with a bundle of coats. I think there's supposed to be a baby in there. I don't know who invented putting animal ears on baby coats, but may I just say I love that person? Cutest idea ever!

Corinthaus: Oh, so who had "3 days" before Sonny romanced Claud with his cooking? You won $85 in the pool! Claud cutely picks up Sonny's plate of food and exchanges it for hers (in case it's poisoned). Tomato basil soup and sausage and pepper paninis. I gotta say, the soup almost doesn't look gross. The panini looks like a fat patty melt, though. She says breaking bread with someone is a nice gesture. She's touched, but asks what it's going to cost her.

Sam's Apartment: Lucky explains that he's wanted to be with her, but it didn't feel right to leave the boys last night. Fair enough. He says the doctor has given Jakeson a clean bill of health. Sam still feels guilty, but Lucky assures her that he and Liz both feel gratitude. he says he wants to get back to them, and he kisses her, but Sam pulls away.

Courthouse: Liz looks at her lap and asks why he wants her to hear how the Russians died. He softly says "because Jakeson would have died the same way" He says the Russians fired, and he fired back, and Jakeson's chance of dying increased with every bullet he fired. Liz tries to stop him, but he angrily says the room Jakeson was in was 10 feet from the gunfire. He repeats that number "10 feet!" he says if Sam didn't get him out of the building, he'd be dead. Liz stares mournfully at him.

The End

GH Recap 12/4: Tim Gunn would not be able to make that work

I need to edit a joke I made poorly yesterday when Jason and Sam were in the mine shaft. I said "and then the shaft goes down, which must be a nice change of pace for it", but what I realize the actual joke was: and then the shaft goes down on Sam, which must be a nice change of pace for her. Sorry about that. It won't happen again.

Emma's Closet: Robin whines that sometimes babies cry, especially babies that make the mother openly sigh with hatred when she cries. Patrick thinks maybe Robin could go back to work. Robin also whines at this. Patrick scoops up Emma and runs off to find a nice, non-whining woman. Or not really, he just smiles.

Dogpatch: Oh, Look, it's time to learn more about Nik and Nadine's Hilarious Misadventures in Dogpatch, or what I like to call "Time to Watch the Puppies!" I would like to recap the rest of this horrible storyline all at once. This isn't based on spoilers, just my assumptions: Nik and Nadine get married for very stupid reasons, with hilarious results. Nadine learns that Nik never actually wanted to marry her, just as he realizes that he actually is in love with her, but she stupidly pretends not to be in love with him so that he is free to be with Carly (who Nadine thinks Nik is in love with). Then hopefully a herd of elephants kills them. (because Jax turned Spoon Island into an elephant farm. duh.)

Metrocourt: McFarty and Carly talk about a fancy party Kate wants to throw. Jax angrily walks up to tell McFarty that Carly gets no gossip about Crimson from now on. Carly explains to Mcfarty that it's going to be a bitter divorce.

Corinthaus: Sonny meets with Max and Milo. Claud shows up dressed like some sort of storm trooping kick boxer. Honestly, y'all, what is she wearing? Weird, tiny boxing gloves and a skin tight cat suit. Did I miss Project Runway's "Create a Comic Book Look for a Soap Opera Character" challenge last season? Claud angrily asks why Sonny started the meeting without her.

Credits

Emma's Closet: I'm all about a really well done post-partum depression storyline. (see also: Lauren on Young and the Restless), but that doesn't seem to be what this is. Robin has spent a few days with her daughter and is ready to give up.

Dogpatch: Nik's pants are very shiny.

Metrocourt: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen toots cheerfully in the lobby while Jax and Carly fight in front of a very uncomfortable McFarty. Kate shows up to sassy Carly a bit. They snot at each other about being prostitutes and such. Kate insists that Carly got her money from marrying rich dudes, while Kate earned her money. Kate and Jax happily go off to plan the Crimson Cocktail Party, while Carly her the Curls stew.

Corinthaus: Sonny dismisses Max and Milo. Claud tries the seductive tact with Sonny.

Commercials

I have been fighting a cold for a few days, so I've finally broken down and taken some Nyquil. This may end up being either a short recap or a bit of a confusing one.

Nurse's Station: Robin shows up looking for charts and messages. Wouldn't she be on some sort of official leave and thus not have any patients? What if she didn't suck as a mother and didn't come to work? Would her patients have all just died? Piph and Layla are surprised to see her, and Robin, is of course, her usual gracious self, and by that mean she's perfectly bitchy for no reason whatsoever. Robin trots off to be hateful and mean somewhere else, while Matt watches in concern.

Tiki Torture: Luke and Tracy play cards and fight about their relationship.

Crimson: Maxie comes back to work, and for some reason security doesn't escort her the heck out of the offices. Xylophone Guy must have wished Devil Wears Prada ended with Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt taking over Runway, because he happily plinks along as Maxie and Loo get seamlessly back to work and are happy about it. Since Looloo was never competent at this job before she disappeared for 4 months, I have no idea why she's suddenly capable now. Whatever. Hopefully Maxie steals her boyfriend soon by convincing everyone that Looloo is carrying Milo's child.

Commercials

Petticoat Dogpatch: screach screach whine whine (face face furrowed brow) what what what (it's okay) forgot to tell Raylene we aren't getting married WHOOPS! (face face confused)

Tiki Torture: Luke is mad b/c Tracy tricked him into embracing life, and now she doesn't want him b/c he's not dying. Tracy says she doesn't like her men to be invalids. She says as much as he hurt her, she admires who he is. Oh, they are about 7 sheets to the wind. Luke says he loves her and wants to stay her husband. Tracy tearfully says that's all well and good today, but what if Lllllaaauuuurrrraaa waltzes back into his life?

Crimson: Kate graciously welcomes Looloo back to work. Kate tells Loo that Claud if throwing a fit about the Crimson party, and she needs to know where Looloo's loyalties lie.

Metrocourt: Carly and Olivia hang out. Olivia hilariously says that Carly is not a silicon bimbo who's had everything handed to her. The silicon issue is clearly true, but she's been handed plenty. And apparently Olivia has too since she can afford to pay for a Brooklyn apartment while not working for months on end. The Brooklynites I know work 60 hours a week or have a roommate in order to pay for their apartments.

Corinthaus: blah blah. Sascha shows up to talk about the future. Violins play ominously so that we know we are supposed to take Sonny seriously when he tells her that he's in charge now, and that this will of course be shorthand to her that she's in a great deal of peril because Sonny is so powerful and awesome. Sonny should tip that chamber orchestra he carries around with him at all times to make him seem scary.

Commercials

Corinthaus: The Violins are working on Sascha b/c she begins to act afraid and says she's just the messenger....just the lawyer. She's not the Decider. She starts to back out of the room, but Max stops her. she says a child has been kidnapped. Sonny raises his fist (in the least menacing way a fist can be raised.) but Sascha stammers that if anything happens to her, there may be retaliation on the kid. Sonny blathers that he's tuff stuff and lets Sascha go. Claud lies that this is impressive. Or maybe Claud really does think it's impressive and is the sort of person who will watch Barbara Walters interview Tom Cruise and Will Smith and ask them what it's like to be so awesome and will think "that IS fascinating!"

Emma's Closet: Matt shows up with toys and gifts for Emma. In a very hijinksy move, Patrick gives Matt a Nascar toy and asks him to play with it with Emma. It's kind of cute.

Nurse's Station: Lainey's been dipping into the extensions bucket apparently. She notices Robin being aggravated at work. She also suggests that putting her feet up and drinking hot chocolate will cure her PPD. Lainey is a scientologist, it seems.

Dogpatch: Nik meets Aunt Raylene, played by Mary Gross. She played Alfalfa on SNL when Buckwheat was shot (in a parody of the Reagan shooting). Alfalfa asks Nik to be honest with her about Nadine. Which is an incredibly weird thing to do. Why is she automatically assuming Nik and Nadine aren't getting married? Does she know her niece is a complete whack job?

Commercials

Tiki Torture: I don't understand this bar. Why are there no employees? Why can Luke and Tracy drink the entire contents of the bar? They play the game where you hide something under one of three cups and move the cups around and guess where the thingy is. Meanwhile Luke says he will always care for Laura b/c they have kids, and she knows he's complicated, and she likes that. Tracy half sobs "it's always fancy dancing, and I can't believe a word of it." heh, that was a particularly drunken thing to say, even though it also made sense.

Dogpatch: Alfalfa and Nik discuss Nadine's feelings. Alfalfa says you can't predict the future and asks Nik to be kind to Nadine b/c apparently she's one bad dumping away from pulling an Ophelia.

Emma's Closet: Robin comes home and hears Matt and Patrick racing on the video games. ( I realize saying "video game" may sound to some like "listening to the victrola", but I don't know the various gamins systems. I tried bowling on the Wii system once after many glasses of champagne and found the whole thing to be out of my skill set) Matt leaves, and Robin sits with her family. Patrick gently tells her that they will get through this together, and she cries sweetly.

Corinthaus Terrace: Claud and John meet outside. Claud informs him that the Russians are about to make a move. Johnny is worried about Claud. I think they are talking about Chucky's shooting. John points out that it will be easy to kill Claud b/c he can always blame the Russians. Claud asks Johnny what he's going to do.

Commercials

Petticoat Junction: Nadine tells Nik the story of Raylene's love life. It sounds quite a bit like Jane Eyre, if Bertha hadn't died. Anyhoo, as I said at the beginning of the recap: Nik and Nadine are going to marry.

Crimson: Kate gives Maxie pages of notes. Olivia watches and tells Kate to take a break. Kate drags Olivia into her office and angrily tells her not to refer to her as Connie in the office again. Olivia agrees but thinks Kate is trying to prove something to Carly. Gee, maybe she has a huge business to run that employs hundreds of people? the hell? Just because your job in Brooklyn only requires you to work 40 hours a year, Olivia, doesn't mean that most people don't have to put in many more than that. Kate says that Carly set out to keep Kate and Sonny apart, and succeeded (the hell? Sonny had nothing to do with that?) Kate wants to show up at the party on Jax's arm and rub it in to Carly. Classy.

Metrocourt: We never did get Looloo's answer about her loyalties, but we next see her buddying up to Carly, but she says she promised Kate she could be professional and thus can't gossip bout Crimson. Carly quickly agrees and says she just wants to know what Kate is wearing to the party. Poor Looloo is probably too fashion stupid to know that Kate wouldn't want Carly to know this. Jax shows up to tell Carly "nice try" b/c this is one of those moments where standing 10 feet away from a conversation means you CAN hear every word and nuance. (as opposed to all the times Olivia has shouted "Dante is Sonny's son" and Sonny was 10 feet away and could NOT hear any of it.

Corinthaus: something about The Danger. I think Sonny tells Claud that Jakeson was kidnapped. He says he can't move on the Russians now. Claud quickly agrees and says if anyhing happens to the kid, he'll never forgive himself. For some bizarre reason Sonny says it sounds like Claud is talking from experience. Well, Sonny, since you just said Jakeson is the son of Jason's sometimes girlfriend, and Liz is also someone who is your friend, and we are talking about a BABY even if you don't know the baby, wouldn't you OBVIOUSLY feel bad if you did anything that caused injury to the baby? His intincts baffle me.


The End

GH Recap 12/03: Something about shaft as in mine

Old Mine: What were they mining in upstate New York all those years ago? Why did they abandon it? Answers to these questions are surely more interesting than watching Steve Burton and Kelly Monaco pretend to injure their backs picking up papier mache boulders.

PCPD Bullpen: Liz sits at a desk, and thumbs through mug shots. I wonder if this is the Russian edition of mugshots? She looks haggard and teary eyed. Lucky looks fresh as a daisy. That Greg Vaughn, he never really bothers to do any acting does he?

Who Cares Where: Tracy finds Luke in yet another bar. Why is she following him?

Emily's Closet: Emily sleeps. She is wearing those cute baby mittens that keep her from scratching her face, because she's so wee she has no idea what hands are, or what faces are or why sometimes there is this pain near the place she sees from. Babies are so incompetent. Robin whines that she's a bad mom. Patrick leaves and Emma immediately begins crying. Emma is pretty smart actually. I would do the same thing!

Credits

Nadine apparently hasn't been killed by her own stupidity. Nik shows up at Aunt Raylene's with a very gaudy bouquet. he meets Nadine's lumberjack of a bafoon of a cousin. Lumberjack is angry that Nik is trying to trick Nadine into marrying him. I think he also comments on Nik's princely clothes. I might be making that up. Nadine rushes in and hugs Nik.

Tiki Torture: Oh, I think this is supposed to be the Dominican Republic. It's basically the pizza shack with some gaudy colors and a beaded curtain. Luke has come to head off the divorce, I guess? But why would Tracy ever enter this bar? Is this the courthouse too? She talks about broken glass and being naked, as women on this show are obsessed with doing, and then she leaves. It starts to rain really hard. And Tracy is made of sugar, so she can't leave, I guess.

PCPD: Liz really looks in need of a nap. Sascha shows up and Liz wants to accost her b/c she assumes Sascha knows where Jakeson is. Lucky stops her and says that somehow they can't ask her where Jakeson is because they have to find out what she did with Jake. I don't think the writers even try to make Lucky make sense anymore.

Shaft!: Sam and her black bra continues to help Jason, and what I can only assume is a white bra pick up pieces of papier mache. They bicker about Russians a bit, and then the shaft goes down, which must be a nice change of pace for it.

Commercials

Tiki Torture: Why did Tracy stand in the rain so long that she got sopping wet? Wouldn't you rush in immediately, instead of standing there like Ziggy? There is, of course, no cell phone. There are also no employees. Also, Luke is drinking a pumpkin colored cocktail which is very vomity looking. Luke is calm and sure he's going to win Tracy over. Tracy opens her lovely LV bag and pulls out dry clothes.

Petticoat Junction: I dunno. Nadine yammers sadly about her aunt being ill while Piano Guy plinks away.

GH: Endless conversation between the Brothers Drake, Piph and Layla. Piph teases Patrick for being tired from being a new dad. Layla gets a call about a head trauma, but Piph guilts Patrick into admitting he's too tired to do the surgery. So why doesn't he go home and sleep? Or check into a hotel and sleep? What the hell good is a surgeon who can't do surgeries?

Emma's Closet: Robin holds the baby but instead of singing a sweet song, or telling a sweet story, she whines endlessly about her insecurities and fears. Babies really love that sort of thing, I'm told. Maxie visits and demands that Robin do some primping so she won't traumatize the baby. Robin says Emma doesn't care what she looks like. True, but she's really moved by what you SMELL like, so listen to Maxie and take some time to bathe. It's very nice of Maxie! Maxie is adorable in a black shirt and cream colored sweater with black bows on it. I'm sad about the spit up that's about to adorn it.

Commercials

for some reason Robin doesn't jump at the chance to bathe. I guess she's just so happy to have someone new to whine to. Oh, Maxie is in a black dress, not shirt. It's even cuter, this outfit. She also bought Robin nice clothes so that she doesn't send Emma bad fashion subliminal messages. Robin finally leaves to shower. Maxie coos at a sleeping Emma. I think Emma is made of whatever was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction b/c there is an odd glow coming from the basinet. Also, Maxie, never wake a sleeping baby! Spinelli shows up, and the sound of his voice wakes Emma, who begins to cry. Maxie sticks her fingers in her ears and squints at the racket.

GH; The Brothers Drake, Piph and Layla chat a bit about what they were like as babies. Patrick has decided to combat his exhaustion by drinking coffee. Ah, an exhausted and jittery brain surgeon. Sign me up! Patrick decides to take the next surgery that comes in. Layla is concerned but Piph says Patrick is too arrogant to botch a surgery. Then why was she just harassing the guy?

Shaft!: Sam and Jason bicker about how to get through the 3 inches of cardboard that surrounds them. I wonder why they don't just try kicking it over? Jason moves a papier mache rock and reveals light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure the light symbolizes the end of Jason and Sam's relationship, and the lamp represents the candle Jason holds for Liz. and the cardboard symbolizes Lucky's personality. Sam's chest symbolizes silicon valley. har har

PCPD: Mac interrogates Sascha and says that Russians kidnapped Jake and Sascha is russian therefore, obviously Diego is back from the dead and kidnapping people. Sascha leaves and Liz angrily asks her where her son is. lol, yeah, Liz, that should take care of that! I'm sure Mac didn't bother to ask, so it's a good thing you are here!

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PCPD: Liz screams at Sascha and begs her to tell her where Jake is. Sascha says she doesn't know. Liz says Jakeson is a baby and needs his mother. Sascha, says "oh, I never thought of it like that. he's in a cabin by the old mine!" Not really. Instead she blames Liez for having a mobster for a boyfriend and thus making her kids a target. Team Sascha! Lucky keeps holding Liz back. He really has very little acting skills, this one. Liz fights against Lucky and calls Sascha a not very nice word that rhymes with witch. Mr. Mad giggles, but I thought Rebecca handled the scene well.

Emma's Closet: Spinelli has calmed Emma and puts her to bed. Maxie plays peakaboo teddy bear with Emma while Spinelli takes a call from Jason. Spinelli plops down on the sofa and busts out El Laptopo to help Jason figure out how to find Russians, or some other impossibly unrealistic thing. Robin emerges clean and in new clothes and silently watches Spinelli talk to a mobster while her baby sleeps. That is pretty bad form, Spinelli. Robin asks Maxie what's going on, and Maxie chirps happily "Spinelli is helping Jason."

Mob Mobile: Jason thanks Spinelli for the magic and unrealistic help. Then Sam bizarrely rubs it in to Jason that his son is missing. I think her intentions are to communicate that she knows this is hard for him, but this is such a horribly clumsy way to go about it. You don't say things like "not knowing where your kid is, and if they are safe" to someone.

Petticoat Junction: Nadine babbles for 3 hours about her effing aunt raylene. it would be fine if she was actually crying about it, but she just babbles and uses a fake crying voice, but it's not even a good fake crying voice like Tamara Braun's. Tyler Christopher looks bored out of his ever loving mind. He tries to flash those doe eyes and seem enchanted, but he fails. I can't even call him Nik in this scene. It just looks like Tyler Christopher in a Nik costume, wishing for death. Some old man walks in and asks why Nik wants to marry his niece.

Tiki Torture: Blah blah Tracy and Luke fight some more. Luke shouts that he chose Tracy over Laura. It's very dramatic, and causes Mr. Mad to chuckle. She tells him to read her lips and leaves. Thunder claps ominously. Or comically. It's getting REALLY hard to tell the difference between the two 'round here.

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Emma's Closet: Robin throws Spinelli and Maxie out and asks them not to do mob business while babysitting. Emily Post never commented on the etiquette of such things, so it's hardly Maxie's fault! They leave, and Emma begins crying on cue. Robin makes a big ol' production out of finding this annoying. Gee, Robin, maybe if you quit openly hating your baby, she would chill out around you!

GH; patrick tells Piph and Layla to quit mocking him over and over again because he's got it under control. But then he turns around and runs into a nurse pushing a cart. Because you only do that when you are tired. Why was that woman with the cart rolling up behind a doctor without politely saying "behind you!"

PCPD: Liz sobs. her face is all contorted into self loathing and endless weeping. Lucky stupidly tries to calm her, even though she's saying what he's been saying all along. Why do people do that on this show? bitch and moan about something someone is doing that's bad for them, but then let them off the hook when they have an epiphany about it? Liz says her son is gone b/c The Danger knew Jason cared about him "and they knew that b/c of me" She says it's no different than leaving a small child unattended by a swimming pool. Actually, it's a lot worse, but I see your point, Liz.

Other Desolate Cabin, but not the one they were at earlier, or the one Alexis and Ric conceived Molly in, or the one Mary Bishop lived in, or the one Emily was raped in, or any of the ones Jason and Sonny keep fully stocked, this is a Russian-y one. It has some of those mosque-y looking spires on top. Jason and Sam gather outside the door. There is no dead Russian in the doorway, and the windows and latches are intact, so they decide not to knock politely like Lucky did. Sam wants to rush in, but Jason wants to make sure Jakeson is in there. Mr. Mad gigglesnorts at the drama of it all.

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Emma's Closet: Robin tells crying Emma that she loves her. she lists that her diaper is dry, she's fed and has burped. She wishes Emma would look up and gurgle. patrick comes home, and of course, she stops crying immediately. Mr. Mad giggles and says "that's such a doll!" Robin whines why is she bad at parenting and he's not. Emma asks if she'd like some cheese with that.

Tiki torture: blah blah, they are trapped in the rain and hate each other until thursday when they fall in love again. We know.

Petticoat Junction: Nadine explains that Nik is an actual prince, and Lumberjack and Old Man both laugh and say there are no princes in this country. Nik says she knows he's a descendent from Russian nobility. It's all very stupid and poorly acted and poorly scripted. Let's just cut to the chase: Nik has to marry Nadine because Aunt Rayeffinglyne's wish is to see Nadine married. Not happy, mind you. Not with a lick of sense, mind you. Not successful...just married. To any old doofus. I think that was a porn lick in the geetar, is how random this scene is. There are episodes of Three's Company with more panache.

Other Desolate Cabin: Jason and Sam get ready to make their move....24 hours from now. The music gets dramatic, and Mr. Mad sings along. He's so cute!

GH Recap 11/17: Baby Come Back

Metrocourt: Carly meets Jax. She says she's done with the divorce papers and rips them in half. Then she makes this annoying, smug face and stares at him. She needs to blot her lipstick.

Kelly's al Fresco: Loo and Johnny make out in front of Kelly's b/c they don't really ever have anything else better to do. Claud walks up to yell at them that if she's miserable, he needs to be too. Or, you could just go get it on with hot ass Ric, but whatever, grumpy pants.

Sams' Apartment: Sam and Liz continue to drink coffee late at night and giggle and gossip about boys. Maxie says Jason is a stud and thinks there is still something there. Sam just laughs and says "stoooppp" in that way that doesn't really answer the question. Stolichnaya and Belvedere are still outside Sam's apartment and armed.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Oliva continues to pound on a door that is clearly locked instead of finding another exit. Sonny helps the barista out, and he tells Sonny he thinks a woman is trapped inside. Sonny enters the cafe as Olivia, in Jason's office, collapses.

Credits

Nurse's Station: Liz gets back to work, telling Piph that she met with Jason about A Situation. then Liz beams when she sees Patrick wheeling Robin and the wee baby Emma home. He's cutely saddled like Shirpa with baby bags. Piph and Liz have dopey smiles on their faces, that are impossible not to happen when a baby that teeny is within 12 miles. The elevator opens, and Patrick has a moment of panic, worrying that the elevator might get stuck. Robin says they are going to be great, and then gives this funny little "I hope!" Heh, it is weird when they hand you a baby and just send you off into the world "good luck with that! It's entire future depends on you!"

Metrocourt: Carly and Jax have already had this fight, so why are we watching it again? She tells him not to walk away from her kids and from "us". She says she said she was sorry, but she's acting like she's sorry that she forgot about missing dinner or forgetting their anniversary. She angrily says she didn't mean to hurt him. He sadly says she never means to hurt him. Diane walks by, anxious to get to a shoe sale in The Boutique. This nonsense that The Boutique is the only place in town you can buy nice clothes is so weird to me. Diane says she should get 20% off anything in The Boutique if she stands here and helps them. Diane angrily tells Jax that he is so lucky that Carly even speaks to him b/c he's been a disastrous husband in every way. Carly is very smug about this.

Sam's Apartment: Sam tells Maxie how she enjoyed the rush of escaping the ship, and she felt alive when she hit the water, and when she saw Jason was alright, she was glad they pulled it off. Maxie insists that Sam is as hooked on Jason as she is on the adventure. The door knob turns. They are still for a moment, but it turns out to be Lucky. Poor Maxie's face tries not to bleed awkward all over the place as she watches her best friend embrace the man she once loved enough to fake a pregnancy for. I've yet to meet the man I love that much. I hope I never do! Lucky tells Maxie they faked the break up.

Kelly's al Fresco: Claud and John yell at each other about The Danger and The Marriage. Looloo scoffs and says there is no way Claud is marrying sonny. Claud talks to John like Loo isn't there and asks him to explain it to her.

Wheatgrass Cafe: It's too bad there are all those little plants on the tables because I think it made the fire much stronger. Sonny, of course, manages to get Olivia out of the building b/c for some reason Jason's office locks people in the office but not out of the office. Mobsters are weird. Jason, of course, shows up just as Sonny pulls Olivia out. I love that Liz called Jason's building being on fire as "a situation came up." Shouldn't she be alerting the ER that there may be incoming patients?

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Michael Corinthos Memorial Park: Nadine runs into Nik and blathers that there are worse criminals than him, and he shouldn't be deported. Nik says she lost him. She says, don't worry about it, and yes, I'll marry you. Heh. She's all helpful about it.

Metrocourt: Diane assumes that Jax has been absent physically and otherwise for almost as many days as he's been present since they got married. She says it must be easier to blame Carly for everything than take some responsibility. Jax points out that Carly just said she slept with Sonny earlier. Diane points out that Jax and Carly aren't living together anymore. She says Carly is a saint for wanting to contest the divorce. Carly looks like she's about to make out with Diane. They scurry off together to go on a shopping spree at The Boutique. I imagine The Boutique as being four entire floors of the hotel.

Kelly's al Fresco: Claud tells Looloo that Johnny will make the same sacrifices she does, if he needs to. She says marrying Sonny is just business. Looloo says she doesn't have to listen to this, so she stomps off, with Johnny at her heels. Claud calls out that he's like a puppy dog.

Sam's Apartment: Maxie says she's glad they are together, but she wants to get the heck out of there. Sam thanks her for girl talk time. Maxie admits to Lucky that she and Liz fought, and his name came up. Lucky says it's all in the past. Maxie continues to stutter awkwardly but says she really does hope they find happiness. She skeedaddles, with Stolichnaya close at her heels. Luckys asks what that was about. Sam says Maxie has a hard time adjusting to the fact that she's actually a good person. Lucky gets a call and has to leave.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Olivia gets wheeled away. Sonny says to Jason "we have to get The Revenge." Jason angrily retorts "what, you got a frog in your pocket?" No, really he just says "no, not we."

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Scrubscar: Robin sits in the backseat with Emma. Patrick is very concerned that they didn't buckler her in properly. Apparently Patrick went and bought a mini van when he wasn't sitting by her bedside. He's driving about 10 miles an hour in a 30 zone. Robin teases him and says it's good he's being safe, but they'd like to get home today.

Michael Corinthos Memorial Park: Nik sputters that he appreciates the offer, but he has a team of lawyers, and is sure they'll come up with something. Nadine says it's no problem, and it's the least she can do. She rushes off to take care of wedding details. Wow, I don't know how I could care less about how this turns out.

Metrocourt: Carly and Jax fight some more, but I can't bear to care. Kate shows up to angrily says she and Sonny broke up for good "so Sonny's all yours" Carly has the nerve to look confused by this.

GH: Liz talks to Olivia. She asks where the fire was. Um, hello, Liz, you know the answer to this. Olivia says it was at Jason's office and Jason was there and helped Sonny pull her out of the fire. For some reason Liz stares into the distance like this is in some way surprising to her. Did she think Jason was lying when he said "I think my office is on fire"?

Wheatgrass Cafe: Sonny stutterbarks that Krapov chained him and threw him into 8 feet deep of harbor water. Jason says the only way he can protect his people is to distance himself from Sonny.

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Scorpio-Drake Home: Patrick has a hard time finding a key. Why wouldn't it be with the car key? They get settled in. She says she's still sore from the c-section, so he has to d a lot of the heavy lifting for awhile. robin says Emma needs to be changed. Har dee har har, poopy diapers are funny.

Metrocourt: Kate bitterly says that Carly did what she set out to do. Carly acts like she is confused. So aggravating. Kate says that Carly is always at the right time and place when Sonny needs her. She says she's no match for Hurricane Carly. Carly obnoxiously says it's typical that Kate would blame someone else for her failings. Kate gets a call from Piph that Olivia has been admitted for smoke inhalation. Kate tells Jax and then rushes off. Carly and her poofy curls yells at Jax that Kate is pathetic for blaming her. Jax says he agrees with Kate.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Jason yells at Sonny that he'll clean up the mess, but Sonny needs to stay out of the way. Lucky and Spinelli show up and ask what happned. Sonny, in his usualy stilted way, tells that he showed up and saw men tearing the place up with baseball bats, and he saved a woman. Lucky asks if he knows who started it. Sonny says he doesn't know, but he assumes they were after Jason. Then he walks away, all sad and dejected (and pointless and annoying).

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This episode is pretty nap inducing.

Scorpio-Drake Home: Robin and Patrick silently celebrate after Emma falls asleep. I think she's sleeping in that closet. Patrick says he used to be too arrogant to count his blessings, but he's going to change that. Her being here is a miracle to him. They start to kiss, but wee Emma starts to cry.

Metrocourt: I cannot bear one more second of Jax and Carly bickering about their failed relationship. She's even wearing a purple dress of the shade my bridesmaids wore, and still I find no joy or mirth from this scene.

Nurse's Station: Shawn Douglas brings Liz Olivia's file and says she can go home tomorrow. Liz gossipingly asks if Shawn knows how Olivia got caught in the fire. Sonny shows up to mumble something about Olivia. Both Shawn D and Liz seem to have no worries about medical ethics and happily tell a non family member all about Olivia's prognosis and whereabouts. Liz is still on duty, but that means about as much to her as Sonny means to me, so she packs up her stuff, even though Piph is watching, so she can rush off to "run errands"

Olivia's Room: Sonny expects gratitude from Olivia for saving her. She reasonably points out that she only needed saving b/c she got caught in the mob war crossfire that he started.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Jason asks Spinelli to go and ask Laptop to figure out every scrap of information about all Russians that might be in the country. and fast! Jason then half whsispers to Cody "and now we take the Russians OUT"

Snowy Park: I think this is the place where Georgie was killed. How spooky if it is. Maxie suddenly notices that Stolichnaya and Smirnoff are following her. They grab her as she squeals to be let go.


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This feels like the longest episode ever.

Kelly's al Fresco: Why are Looloo and Johnny obsessed with this location? She says he didn't have to take her to dinner at Metrocourt b/c just like it's the only hotel, and only place to have an office, and only place to buy clothes, it's apparently also the only fancy place to eat in town. Loo suggests that Johnny quit taking money from his family. and I suppose he's supposed to make enough money to live by working 3 shifts a year at a diner that just burned down?

Olivia's room: Sonny and Olivia bicker, but Kate shows up and eaveslurks and realizes that their banter is really foreplay.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Jason instructs Cody on Wardom. Liz shows up, dressed all in white like a little adorable snow angel. She could be put on top of a Christmas tree she looks so sweet and pretty. She stares at Jason curiously. I guess people in this town are either guided by their heads or the laps. and somehow their hearts stop any communication between the two?

Spooky Steps: Spinelli happens upon the place of Georgie's murder and sees a figure lying there. For a second, I think he thinks he's just having a horrible memory of Georgie's death. But then he realizes it is a real person,a nd then he realizes it's Maxie. He stands frozen, and has to force himself to call out her name. Then he runs to her and clutches her lifeless body to his.

those are some bad bottles of vodka to hurt Fair Maxie!

The end.