GH Recap 12/4: Tim Gunn would not be able to make that work

I need to edit a joke I made poorly yesterday when Jason and Sam were in the mine shaft. I said "and then the shaft goes down, which must be a nice change of pace for it", but what I realize the actual joke was: and then the shaft goes down on Sam, which must be a nice change of pace for her. Sorry about that. It won't happen again.

Emma's Closet: Robin whines that sometimes babies cry, especially babies that make the mother openly sigh with hatred when she cries. Patrick thinks maybe Robin could go back to work. Robin also whines at this. Patrick scoops up Emma and runs off to find a nice, non-whining woman. Or not really, he just smiles.

Dogpatch: Oh, Look, it's time to learn more about Nik and Nadine's Hilarious Misadventures in Dogpatch, or what I like to call "Time to Watch the Puppies!" I would like to recap the rest of this horrible storyline all at once. This isn't based on spoilers, just my assumptions: Nik and Nadine get married for very stupid reasons, with hilarious results. Nadine learns that Nik never actually wanted to marry her, just as he realizes that he actually is in love with her, but she stupidly pretends not to be in love with him so that he is free to be with Carly (who Nadine thinks Nik is in love with). Then hopefully a herd of elephants kills them. (because Jax turned Spoon Island into an elephant farm. duh.)

Metrocourt: McFarty and Carly talk about a fancy party Kate wants to throw. Jax angrily walks up to tell McFarty that Carly gets no gossip about Crimson from now on. Carly explains to Mcfarty that it's going to be a bitter divorce.

Corinthaus: Sonny meets with Max and Milo. Claud shows up dressed like some sort of storm trooping kick boxer. Honestly, y'all, what is she wearing? Weird, tiny boxing gloves and a skin tight cat suit. Did I miss Project Runway's "Create a Comic Book Look for a Soap Opera Character" challenge last season? Claud angrily asks why Sonny started the meeting without her.

Credits

Emma's Closet: I'm all about a really well done post-partum depression storyline. (see also: Lauren on Young and the Restless), but that doesn't seem to be what this is. Robin has spent a few days with her daughter and is ready to give up.

Dogpatch: Nik's pants are very shiny.

Metrocourt: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen toots cheerfully in the lobby while Jax and Carly fight in front of a very uncomfortable McFarty. Kate shows up to sassy Carly a bit. They snot at each other about being prostitutes and such. Kate insists that Carly got her money from marrying rich dudes, while Kate earned her money. Kate and Jax happily go off to plan the Crimson Cocktail Party, while Carly her the Curls stew.

Corinthaus: Sonny dismisses Max and Milo. Claud tries the seductive tact with Sonny.

Commercials

I have been fighting a cold for a few days, so I've finally broken down and taken some Nyquil. This may end up being either a short recap or a bit of a confusing one.

Nurse's Station: Robin shows up looking for charts and messages. Wouldn't she be on some sort of official leave and thus not have any patients? What if she didn't suck as a mother and didn't come to work? Would her patients have all just died? Piph and Layla are surprised to see her, and Robin, is of course, her usual gracious self, and by that mean she's perfectly bitchy for no reason whatsoever. Robin trots off to be hateful and mean somewhere else, while Matt watches in concern.

Tiki Torture: Luke and Tracy play cards and fight about their relationship.

Crimson: Maxie comes back to work, and for some reason security doesn't escort her the heck out of the offices. Xylophone Guy must have wished Devil Wears Prada ended with Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt taking over Runway, because he happily plinks along as Maxie and Loo get seamlessly back to work and are happy about it. Since Looloo was never competent at this job before she disappeared for 4 months, I have no idea why she's suddenly capable now. Whatever. Hopefully Maxie steals her boyfriend soon by convincing everyone that Looloo is carrying Milo's child.

Commercials

Petticoat Dogpatch: screach screach whine whine (face face furrowed brow) what what what (it's okay) forgot to tell Raylene we aren't getting married WHOOPS! (face face confused)

Tiki Torture: Luke is mad b/c Tracy tricked him into embracing life, and now she doesn't want him b/c he's not dying. Tracy says she doesn't like her men to be invalids. She says as much as he hurt her, she admires who he is. Oh, they are about 7 sheets to the wind. Luke says he loves her and wants to stay her husband. Tracy tearfully says that's all well and good today, but what if Lllllaaauuuurrrraaa waltzes back into his life?

Crimson: Kate graciously welcomes Looloo back to work. Kate tells Loo that Claud if throwing a fit about the Crimson party, and she needs to know where Looloo's loyalties lie.

Metrocourt: Carly and Olivia hang out. Olivia hilariously says that Carly is not a silicon bimbo who's had everything handed to her. The silicon issue is clearly true, but she's been handed plenty. And apparently Olivia has too since she can afford to pay for a Brooklyn apartment while not working for months on end. The Brooklynites I know work 60 hours a week or have a roommate in order to pay for their apartments.

Corinthaus: blah blah. Sascha shows up to talk about the future. Violins play ominously so that we know we are supposed to take Sonny seriously when he tells her that he's in charge now, and that this will of course be shorthand to her that she's in a great deal of peril because Sonny is so powerful and awesome. Sonny should tip that chamber orchestra he carries around with him at all times to make him seem scary.

Commercials

Corinthaus: The Violins are working on Sascha b/c she begins to act afraid and says she's just the messenger....just the lawyer. She's not the Decider. She starts to back out of the room, but Max stops her. she says a child has been kidnapped. Sonny raises his fist (in the least menacing way a fist can be raised.) but Sascha stammers that if anything happens to her, there may be retaliation on the kid. Sonny blathers that he's tuff stuff and lets Sascha go. Claud lies that this is impressive. Or maybe Claud really does think it's impressive and is the sort of person who will watch Barbara Walters interview Tom Cruise and Will Smith and ask them what it's like to be so awesome and will think "that IS fascinating!"

Emma's Closet: Matt shows up with toys and gifts for Emma. In a very hijinksy move, Patrick gives Matt a Nascar toy and asks him to play with it with Emma. It's kind of cute.

Nurse's Station: Lainey's been dipping into the extensions bucket apparently. She notices Robin being aggravated at work. She also suggests that putting her feet up and drinking hot chocolate will cure her PPD. Lainey is a scientologist, it seems.

Dogpatch: Nik meets Aunt Raylene, played by Mary Gross. She played Alfalfa on SNL when Buckwheat was shot (in a parody of the Reagan shooting). Alfalfa asks Nik to be honest with her about Nadine. Which is an incredibly weird thing to do. Why is she automatically assuming Nik and Nadine aren't getting married? Does she know her niece is a complete whack job?

Commercials

Tiki Torture: I don't understand this bar. Why are there no employees? Why can Luke and Tracy drink the entire contents of the bar? They play the game where you hide something under one of three cups and move the cups around and guess where the thingy is. Meanwhile Luke says he will always care for Laura b/c they have kids, and she knows he's complicated, and she likes that. Tracy half sobs "it's always fancy dancing, and I can't believe a word of it." heh, that was a particularly drunken thing to say, even though it also made sense.

Dogpatch: Alfalfa and Nik discuss Nadine's feelings. Alfalfa says you can't predict the future and asks Nik to be kind to Nadine b/c apparently she's one bad dumping away from pulling an Ophelia.

Emma's Closet: Robin comes home and hears Matt and Patrick racing on the video games. ( I realize saying "video game" may sound to some like "listening to the victrola", but I don't know the various gamins systems. I tried bowling on the Wii system once after many glasses of champagne and found the whole thing to be out of my skill set) Matt leaves, and Robin sits with her family. Patrick gently tells her that they will get through this together, and she cries sweetly.

Corinthaus Terrace: Claud and John meet outside. Claud informs him that the Russians are about to make a move. Johnny is worried about Claud. I think they are talking about Chucky's shooting. John points out that it will be easy to kill Claud b/c he can always blame the Russians. Claud asks Johnny what he's going to do.

Commercials

Petticoat Junction: Nadine tells Nik the story of Raylene's love life. It sounds quite a bit like Jane Eyre, if Bertha hadn't died. Anyhoo, as I said at the beginning of the recap: Nik and Nadine are going to marry.

Crimson: Kate gives Maxie pages of notes. Olivia watches and tells Kate to take a break. Kate drags Olivia into her office and angrily tells her not to refer to her as Connie in the office again. Olivia agrees but thinks Kate is trying to prove something to Carly. Gee, maybe she has a huge business to run that employs hundreds of people? the hell? Just because your job in Brooklyn only requires you to work 40 hours a year, Olivia, doesn't mean that most people don't have to put in many more than that. Kate says that Carly set out to keep Kate and Sonny apart, and succeeded (the hell? Sonny had nothing to do with that?) Kate wants to show up at the party on Jax's arm and rub it in to Carly. Classy.

Metrocourt: We never did get Looloo's answer about her loyalties, but we next see her buddying up to Carly, but she says she promised Kate she could be professional and thus can't gossip bout Crimson. Carly quickly agrees and says she just wants to know what Kate is wearing to the party. Poor Looloo is probably too fashion stupid to know that Kate wouldn't want Carly to know this. Jax shows up to tell Carly "nice try" b/c this is one of those moments where standing 10 feet away from a conversation means you CAN hear every word and nuance. (as opposed to all the times Olivia has shouted "Dante is Sonny's son" and Sonny was 10 feet away and could NOT hear any of it.

Corinthaus: something about The Danger. I think Sonny tells Claud that Jakeson was kidnapped. He says he can't move on the Russians now. Claud quickly agrees and says if anyhing happens to the kid, he'll never forgive himself. For some bizarre reason Sonny says it sounds like Claud is talking from experience. Well, Sonny, since you just said Jakeson is the son of Jason's sometimes girlfriend, and Liz is also someone who is your friend, and we are talking about a BABY even if you don't know the baby, wouldn't you OBVIOUSLY feel bad if you did anything that caused injury to the baby? His intincts baffle me.


The End