GH Recap 1/12: Honorable Men

Guza, assistant writers, countrymen, lend me your ears,

I come not to praise the military, but to bury it!

Mr. Guza, it takes a brave soul to so proudly stand up for the true heroes in our society, these, of course, being the mobsters. Sure, I've personally had my freedoms protected by the military, but that is no match for the gentle, loving, sexy embrace with which mobsters hold our country.

Brutus wasn't half as honorable a man as you are.

It is true that soldiers such as Connor and Logan joined the military, as all soldiers did, to protect the freedoms of our country and fight a common enemy, but Guza says this is ambitious (or really, he called it murder because he could be poetic, but he prefers to be honest.)

I admire you, Guza, for honorably not letting the opinions of every single person in the country dissuade you from telling this truth.

I do not wish to speak of popular opinion, for there is no honor in that. I look forward to the day when this benighted country finally embraces the inexhorable truth that anything a soldier does is murder, and anything a mobster does is sexy. Your audience consists of people who have no members serving in the military, but who among us doesn't have a mobster as a son, daughter, parent, or friend?

Almost all Americans bow before the notion that soldiers be treated with warmth and reverence, but Guza knows the true honorable men are mobsters, and he tells their story.

Just imagine, Mr. Guza, if you had chosen some other way besides Plowgate to comment on the military? Suppose, for example, you had chosen to have Lucas Spencer, who is serving as a soldier, die in combat? He is the son of a veteran character of the show, Bobbie Spencer, and he is also gay. Sure, there would have been a story about how gays are rebuked by their country, but they also die for their country. I suppose Jackie Zeman could have delivered a compelling swan song, mourning her son, and raging against the military that denied her son his rights as a human being, but also happily accepted his life as sacrifice for his country. Even the most homophobic among us would have to concede the hypocrisy in their views that gay people shouldn't have the same rights as heterosexual citizens, even though they struggle and sacrifice in the same way as all citizens. But you honorably ignored this plot line that would have involved Luke, Lulu, Lucky, Maxie, Mac, Carly, Morgan, and as their friends and family helping them grieve: Sonny, Jax, Johnny, Sam, Liz, Tracy, Robin, Patrick, Anna, and Robert. You wisely chose to focus like a laser beam and show your disdain of the military by involving only Nik and Nadine, and that dude who played the senator....and....like that dude's assistants who didn't have any lines. So poignant.

So kudos, Mr. Guza! Way to avoid a story line that all of us can identify with in favor of the obscurity of a plow coupling. Anyone can tell a story that resonates with everyone. It takes real craft to tell a story that makes absolutely no sense to anyone.

If only Brutus had been as honorable a man as you!

Metrocourt: Diane and Carly have martinis in the lobby and talk about how Carly doesn't want to divorce Jax. Jax shows up and says Alexis cut his meeting short. Happy music of reconciliation plays as Jax and carly smile at each other.

Docks: Seriously, what is up with Liz's hair? Did it get stuck in a time machine? Sam and Liz watch the exploded ship from the docks and whisper about being with Jason. Sam is going to check to see if Jason is okay, because that will make things easier. Liz tearfully whispers that she doesn't want to know. Sam leaves, and Liz and her incredibly gooey looking lips stare out at an orange light. Also, Cameron plays unattended on the docks, and both Sam and Liz could not be paying less attention to him.

Alleydocks: Jason and Sonny fight a bit. Sirens approach. Sonny is doing that thing whereby he's done everything in his power to start a fight, but then when a fight is impending, he warns everyone to back off, or there will be a fight. It's like if I filled my kitchen with pies and cupcakes and told everyone that I wasn't going to eat pies or cupcakes because I want to lose weight, but then all I had to eat in my house was pies and cupcakes, so I gained weight and blamed everyone for tempting me. Looking at you, Oprah. Claud says this is not a mutual fight b/c Jason started it by taking Sonny's kids. Well, crazypants, you set that in motion by SHOOTING Sonny's kid, so maybe not so much with the fingerpointing.

PCPD: Maxie slaps Winnie for actually being a spy. Winnie says Spinelli endangered national security. the hell? Unless Jason is shipping national security in those crates, I have no idea where she gets this idea.

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PCPD: Winnie points out that Maxie has taken advantage of Spinelli as well. Maxie agrees she did but says she feels terrible. She asks if Winnie feels bad that she went after Spinelli instead of actual bad guys.

Cafe Interrogate: Raynor says Spinelli is accused of High Treason.

Docks: Lucky shows up, to the delight of Cameron. Liz tattles that Sam was here and went to check on the explosion. Lucky is surprised, but Liz says in a tone defending Sam that she wanted to know what happened. Lucky asks what Liz thinks about this, and Liz sadly says she's trying not to.

Alleydocks: Claud says that Jason blew up Sonny's ship with no warning, so how does he expect Sonny to react. Sonny haughtily puts his hands together in a praying motion and says that he extended peace. Jason glares at him and says busting into his territory without his permission is hardly peaceful. Sonny condescendingly says "say what you want to say, but just watch your back." Why Jason doesn't punch into his heart like that Priest dude in the 2nd Indiana Jones is beyond me. Claud and Sonny leave. Meanwhile, Sam has shown up and is crouching behind crates, as she does. She gets a call from Maxie that Spinelli is in trouble. Jason stares angrily out at the burning ship. Sam calls his name to get his attention, and he immediately reaches for his gun. I half think, he's hoping it's Sonny coming back, and this time he's going to off the little dude. Sam holds up her hands and says she wasn't eavesdropping. heh, did she think he knew it was her and was going to shoot her for listening? That would be cold....stone cold. Sam says that Maxie says Spinelli is in trouble.

Haunted Star: Tracy and Luke bicker. She says she's been married to a mobster, so she knows a mob war when she sees one. He arrogantly tells her he doesn't want to tarnish her street cred, but he knows more than she does. Tracy proves him wrong by recapping enough information regarding brides being shot, alliances being solidified by 15th century marriages, Sonny on a path of self destruction. He can hardly argue that she has all the bullet points, and she begs him to protect himself and stay out of it.

Metrocourt: Diane says something in legalese and leaves. Jax and Carly comment that the divorce looks like it's going to take awile. They talk about billing discounts. Carly admits she's asked Diane to stretch out the divorce, in hopes she could make him fall in love with her again. he says that's not possible. Because he's a giant tool, I guess, because I do believe he's asked Alexis for the same thing for the same reason.

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Metrocourt: Oh, brudder. Jax says he can't fall back in love with her b/c he never fell out of love with her. Carly sets down her martini and excitedly lists the 3 or 4 reasons that make them a good couple. He trumps all that with the toe pick of their relationship: Sonny and Jason. She, of course, glosses over that and wants to get her way now, and then still ignore the Sonny and Jason issue later and still get her way and pout that he doesn't like it. Jax admits he asked Alexis to stall the divorce as well b/c maybe it's not what he wants. Piano Guy is very happy.

Docks/PCPD Phone Call: Maxie frantically explains that Spinelli has been arrested, and it looks very serious, and Raynor is there and wants Jason to cooperate. Jason barks at Maxie that he's sending Diane and if she sees Spinelli to tell him not to say anything, and he'll fix this. Sam says that was quite a promise. She wimpily tells Jason that she saw Spinelli the other day, and he was bummed b/c someone hacked his computer. I find it silly that no one told Jason this, because I imagine there is plenty of tracks to cover. Jason angrily says as much by saying if the Feds hacked El Laptopo, they already know all they need.

Cafe Interrogate: Spinelli says he didn't intend to trespass on The Federal Ones. Raynor oddly helps Spinelli by telling him to say nothing. That was nice, but if that's the advice, why the hell is he interrogating him?

Bull Pen: Maxie fills Diane in that Spinelli was arrested. Alexis shows up to add that it's violation of the Homeland Security Act. Diane scoffs at this, and Alexis agrees, but she points out the target is likely not really Spinelli.

Corinthaus: Claud pours a "refreshing" glass of tepid water and Lady Macbeths to Sonny that he has to go after Jason. Sonny says he thought she had a soft spot for Jason. It's call a G-spot, Sonny, gawd. Claud insists that he has to get the upper hand. And even though it makes no sense to invade Jason's territory and antagonize him, Sonny angrily asks Claud "what if I don't?" Well, then you are pointlessly pissing off your best friend, then, Sonny. So, if being a weirdo jerk is your goal, great job!

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Haunted Star: Luke says he and Sonny were merely discussing politics, and Luke's continued neutrality. She asks how long that will last, and he assures her it's his goal. She asks what if someone openly attacks Luke, and Luke says he'd react to that, but he doesn't foresee it. Their bluesy little song begins to play as Tracy tells Luke she just wants him around, and he's the best time she's ever had. Luke smiles lovingly at her, as she says she's not ready to give it up. She sweetly and coyly says "If you get killed, only I can do it." He says he can live with that, and then they grandpa kiss.

Corinthaus: Claud says someone will have to pay for the shipment, so should it be Jason or Sonny. Sonny says he and Jason were working things out, but then she lit them up. He asks if she's worried that if he and Jason are back together, Sonny won't need the Z's, and thus won't be married to Claud. He says that would be a good thing. She randomly starts talking about her uncle and using a little girl voice and says she's looking out for his best interests. She points out that Sonny angered Wheels by helping Jonny, and now he lost a shipment, and the only way to make it right is to retaliate. Sonny nibbles on his fingers and asks like a little boy if she really thinks Jason is a threat. She says the only way to cement things with Wheels is to take Jason down. Well, then, why did he marry Claud if that didn't have any cement?

Bull Pen: Maxie and Winnie bicker about Spinelli. winnie insists this was her first field assignment, and she didn't know this would happen. She says that if someone doesn't come forth and make a deal, Spinelli will go to prison for life. She leaves, and Maxie stares at Cafe Interrogate with worry.

Cafe Interrogate: Raynor keeps talking to Sinelli, but when Spinny talks, Raynor reminds him to be quiet. Spinelli finally asks why he's here if it's not to get a confession.

Bull Pen: Alexis and Diane sit around chatting while poor Spinelli sits around lawyerless. Jason shows up with great worry and Alexis gravely tells him that she doubts Spinelli ever knew who Jason really is until now. Diane tells Jason it's really bad news, and things look dire for Spinelli. Jason is very worried.

Plow-Gate Hearings: Nik and Nadine go back to the stupid senator's office, and Senator Southern doesn't think a foreign national should be able to decide the fate of a US military weapon. Nik says he pays taxes and lives here and thinks serving the military is very noble, but he doesn't think companies like Hallifiction should be able to profit from making weapons. Well, I don't think random conglomerates like Cassadine Industries should be able to make a profit either, so neaner neaner, Nik. Nadine says something idiotic about bacon and then asks to speak.

Metrocourt: Jax says Alexis is going along with this, even though she thinks Carly is terrible for him. Carly jubilantly hops about and beams that it doesn't matter because Jax told her to stop. Their song starts to play, and they talk about some boat he owns. They remember some day they took the boat to Manhattan. She doesn't want the night to end, so she invites him to dinner at her house. He says it depends on whether or not she's cooking, and he curls his lip. She doesn't care that he hates her cooking b/c she happily hates cooking, and he can afford chefs, so she jumps into his arms in glee.

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Plow Gate Hearings: Nadine says she doesn't know about the politics of war, and she had the best boyfriend ever, and she wanted him to have the best possible equipment, but she doesn't think it's fair for companies like Hallifiction to profit off of him and off of this war. She knows she can't stop it, but she doesn't want to take part in it. SHe says this has been her fight ever since her Aunt Alfalfa left her the patent. She says Nik is helping her, but it's not Nik's job. She says it's their job to help her do what she wants with what she owns. It is? Senantor Easily Duped says that Nadine has made a very a very convincing argument and thus they ban Hallifiction from using her patent. Okay, not to be an asshole, but didn't this all start when Hallifiction had to ask to renew their license on the patent, so wasn't this settled when Nadine decided not to do that? Nik and Nadine are jubilant and leave, and Nik gets a call from Alexis' friend, Silda Holis, who wants to congratulate Nadine, because even though the senator JUST made this decision (and why the hell does this one guy have the authority to simply decree something like this? I totally remember that little Bill on Capitol Hill singing about how these things happen, and it was quite an involved endeavor) Then things decide to get as fucktarded as humanly possible, and Nadine says someone from the White House wants to talk to her. So we are supposed to believe that Alexis is friends with a Republican now? Or are the writers too stupid to know that it's not January 20th? Or are we to assume that Republicans simply don't exist in the Port Charlesiverse, thus it doesn't matter what time it is? Please end, story line. Please please please!

Docks: Liz and Lucky play with Cameron in the glow of Jason's burning ship. It's just how Norman Rockwell always painted it. Foghorn Guy thinks Cam is totally cute, so he lets out some loud blasts. Liz and Lucky says it's nice to be together and safe. She thanks him for bringing her back from the brink. Cam shouts at them to look at another big ship. Liz and Lucky's lovely little song starts to play as they enjoy family time.

Corinthaus: Claud tells Sonny he has a blind spot in regards to Jason, and he takes advantage. In what universe is that true? Oh, right, she's Lady Macbeth, and Jason is Duncan, or whoever. Claud says Jason has compromised Sonny. Sonny says it was business. Even though he's the one who told her all of this. She says it is business, and there's no room for friendship. Sonny begins to get confused and barks at her to stop talking. She keeps her composure and insists she's right, and he has to take down Jason.

PCPD: Spinelli get locked up in that little area like they had on Barney Miller for the hookers and bums. Raynor calls Jason in to talk to him. Maxie rushes to Spinelli, and they clasp hands, and he says he's scared.

Cafe Interrogate: Raynor angrily tells Jason that Spinelli's life and freedom are on the line unless Jason does exactly what they say. Even Superjase has to gulp a bit at this. Oh, no, Superjase, say it ain't so! Say you haven't finally met an actual adverary! Now I'm worried the sun won't rise.

the end