GH Recap 2/11: Be Like Kate Kocktail

I don't know how to get through these shows anymore, so I'm going to suggest a drink each day until it stops being stupid, or I run out of recipes.

Be Like Kate Kocktail
1 oz chilled vodka
1/2 oz dry vermouth
dash of gunpowder
1200 feet of tubing, the width of a drinking straws

Mix first 3 ingredients in a shaker and strain into martini glass. Run tubing from the glass to your mouth. Suck really hard.

Also, how has Sonny's hair not burst into flames yet? Did he think ahead and use flame retardant Crisco?

on with the show...

Candy Cane Forest: Kate and Olivia sit around, and Kate annoys the hell out of Olivia by yammering about "proof" Olivia seems ready to kill herself or Kate. Sonny rolls Claud into this area and says she shouldn't have tested to see if he'd come back for her. He tells her not to make it worse and leaves. But then she seems to have shat out the dvd. ouch!

Gum Drop Mountain: This time when Monica sees Chewbecca, she passes out. word, Monica!

Roof: Carly again calls out for Jax.

Credits

Stairwell: Nik and Jason gossip about Chewbecca and try to put out fires. They say it should hold long enough for people to get up stairs. Well, I guess if you got ALL THE PEOPLE BY THE EFFING STAIRS FIRST. But now you have to go back to drawing cards with colored squares on them and moving one at an effing time to the Molasses Swamp.

Nursery: Piph shows up just in time to stop Robin from just eating the baby, and they go off to wander about aimlessly in a burning building, as slowly as possible.

Mercy Hospital: In the most realistic move yet, after diagnosing Emma, a doctor shows up to get her medical history. Because at Mercy Hospital, you put in the stitches BEFORE you make the incision...etc.

PCPD Shack: Alexis learns about the Jaxicopter and rushes out b/c he needs her, and she can fly but forgot to tell anyone I guess. We hear an explosion. Mac grossly says "promise me you won't want to see what's left of him." Wow, Mac. That's totally not cool.

Roof: Carly and Spinelli's faces glow orange from the explosion. She laments that no one is there, no ambulance. Just another shrimp on the barby.

Candy Cane Forest: Kate gets all impressed with herself when she sees the Claud Droppings on the floor. She tells Sonny that what she has to say can't wait any longer. Claud looks up, wondering if she shouldn't have eaten 10 laxatives this morning.

Commercials

Gum Drop Mountain: Oh, also, Chewbecca ran off to get help when Monica passed out. Patrick and Nik show up and learn about Doppleemily. Sam hilariously says "her name is Rebecca Shaw, and she does look a lot like Emily." Aw, I miss Connoh. Nik does say that seeing Chewbecca is like seeing Emily again.

Purple Square: Nadine and Shawn Douglas talk about missing Layla. He feels responsible. Um, dude, seriously? you feel responsible for not guessing that a guy was filled with Randomized Biotoxins?

Yellow Square: Liz and Lucky are annoying.

Laptop Gurney Wetlands: Carly weeps that Jax was in a Jaxicopter, but no one knows where he is. Um, he's the charred kangaroo in the explosion you just saw. Weenie starts out Spinelli'ing spinelli while Jason and Carly stare at each other in their deep and abiding groovy kind of love way. Spinelli suggests they find a stronger wireless connection. (guffaw) and Jason says "how 'bout y'all stop talking" and he takes Carly's hand to comfort her.

PCPD Shack: Hi Jaxicopter's stupid magical alive self. He's not even dirty. Oh, nevermind. I now see that his tie is slightly loosened, so clearly he's been through a remarkably tragic event. Jax is certain if they would just give him one more jaxicopter, he could totally save everyone. Oh, and I mocked Carly for yelling to him, but he apparently saw and heard her, so shame on me for once again remembering about the laws of physics.

Candy Cane Forest: suck, reallllllly hard, y'all. So Kate is now in blissful, arrogant, Nancy Pelosian kind of full of herself. She snottily tells Olivia to go get her toxin infused DVD which is sitting on the floor. Olivia's jaw drops. Probably because mostly she'd rather be doing dinner theater than this bullchit.

Commercials

Oh, I hope the Megan Mullally Cheryl Hines show on Motherhood is watchable. I adore them both.

oh my fuck. It's Luke and Teethan (tm ABC board) They play pool while vacuous Stevie Ray Wannabe music plays annoyingly. Teethan says it's a small world. Luke does super duper awesomely say "well, by my count, it's because you keep running into the same 200 people", and I do love that giant wink at how this is supposedly a huge town, but really it's only 2o people and their descendents and the occassional interloper, and Luke has had scenes with almost all of them. But then people with guns walk in, and I remember I don't care.

Gum Drop Mountain: Everyone compares notes. Monica is certain Paige would have mentioned that Emily had a sister. Even though Nik had a twin that he never particularly questioned, this time he's certain it has to be more than coincidence. Um, really Nik, you think it's more that COINCIDENCE? THAT A PERSON LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE ANOTHER PERSON? WHEN TWINS DON'T REALLY EVEN LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE? sorry for yelling.

Mercy: OH, so, Maxie and Johnny have simply lied and said Emma is their daughter. Doc says he has treatment options and they will have to make the call. Don't worry Maxie and Johnny, any treatment is better than "oh, look! There's a tree!"

Non Burning Nurse's Station: Robin tries to call people, and then she runs off when Piph shows up. And she also acts cold. the hell?

Laptop Gurney Wetlands: Jason rocks Carly in his arms whilst Spinelli consults El Laptopo. Oddly, in a giant burning building, he loses internet access. Now how is THAT possible? So unrealistic! Sonny shows up to whine to everyone and be useless. Carly sneaks away while the boys yammer about how they should all move one at a time to this particular part of the building, or one at a time to this other particular part of the building...stopping often along the way to idly chat about personal vendettas or gossip.

PCPD Shack: Mac relents and gives Jax a Jaxicopter. Alexis tries to stop him b/c it's enough already with her not having lines. She says she's pulling rank and not letting him near the copters.

Yellow Square, which I now realize is actually Giant Chin Drop Beach: Carly tells Loo that she's going to escape or something and develop time travel skills and find Jax. Who cares. Loo won't go for some other reason. Probably Johnny related. I swear to gawd it was more logical when Marlena had yellow eyes and floated above her bed a lot. Then Carly tells Luckythat he got though the south stairwell, so she's going to, to get Jax. but see? If ONE person can get through the effing south stairwell WHY ARE THEY ALL HANGING AROUND ON GIAN CHIN DROP BEACH? WHY NOT GO DOWN THE EFFING STAIRS??????? But no, just Carly. The rest will wait to patiently die.

Commercials

Not Jake's: so...what can I say? Some dude named Roger and some woman named Nina exist now. She says they stole her money. I've seen Roger before. He's a mini That Guy. blah blah blah omg if you promise you care, I'll give more details, but until then: Luke and Teethan are doing annoying things...enough said.

Mercy: Maxie admits they aren't he parents, just the cousins. Dr. Bald says he has to have a parent to make choices. But really...can't you explain how the parents are doctors at the burning down toxin infected building and count on some other next of kin like Mac to say "yes, don't let the baby die?"

Laptop Gurney Wetlands: Sonny and Jason fight a lot. Patrick leaves to try to save lives. Spinelli rushes after Jason for advice. Jason is going to save Wheels for some reason. oh, apparently Wheels has to live in order for Spinelli to be safe from jail? really? that sounds stupid. oh, nevermind. I forgot what show I was watching.

PCPD Shack: Jax and Alexis bicker. He reminds her "uh, billionaire, I can get a Jaxicopter, no matter what you do" She relents and tells Mac to give him a copter. She wishes him luck.

Candy Cane Forest: I am so in love with Olivia. Claud yells at Kate that she'd do anything to be with Sonny. Olivia, who is so totally over her idiot cousin deadpans to Claud "uh, not very constructive, dum dum" or something like that. Kate snots "why can't you do this very simple task" Olivia and the only skirt on the planet that makes her not look excessively hot, stands up and grabs the DVD. Claud realizes too late that she ppooped it out earlier. Kate smugly smiles and holds out her hand. Olivia fondles the dvd and says "doing this for your own good, cuz" and saunters off. Ha!

Fire filled room: One of those matchstick rooms '77 from soapnet was talking about earlier is still sort of burning in random, easily controlled spots. Olivia stares at the fire and throws the dvd into it. Sonny shows up, and asks "what are you doing" because that's all Sonny is. He's a midget in scrubs who wanders aimlessly and asks 'what are you doing'. I miss Nico.

Commercials

Not Jake's: highlights Roger says "city slickers" Luke pretends he's having a heart attack. Teethan plays along and then knocks Roger out with a sugar bottle. Not Coleman asks what they did to Sheriff Roger. where in the hell are they? Did they randomly drive to 1952 Eagle Pass, Texas?

Mercy: Apparently talking to a baby like it's your shrink is something women in this town just do. Maxie sits and discusses the meaning of life with an infant. Aw, but then she prays up to Georgie to watch out for Emma, so I feel bad for making fun of her.

Laptop Gurney Wetlands: Spinelli has wifi again. Someone has posted at "dearburninghospital.com" that an airlift will start soon. Weenie has to be on the first air lift, but she denies. Then she puts her hands in her armpits and sniffs them.

Sireny Sort of On Fire Room: Olivia and Sonny bicker and then split up. Because they are of the Camp Crystal Lake Guide to Survival school.

Giant Chin Drop Beach: People actually start to converge in one area. That's odd in an emergency.

Nik finds Chewbecca. She apologizes for running away when that woman passed out but wonders why he's so concerned about her.

Candy Cane Forest: Kate and Claud bicker. Olivia shows up and says she dropped the dvd in the fire and watched it burn. Basically, this is like when Elaine said "I hate this thing. And here is what I'm doing with it" to George about his toupee. It turns out it's funny enough to even work on this show.

Red Square: Carly tries to aimlessly wander her way off the floor, but Sonny finds her and says there's no way out, and then the random fire randomly gets slightly bigger but still not particularly menacing, but they run away anyways.

Commercials

Mercy: Dr. Bald tells Maxie that Emma is not responding to antibiotics, and the fever is bad. Maxie tearfully says she made the wrong choice and should have picked the more aggressive treatment. Dr. Bald asks when the parents are going to bother to check on their baby. (b/c seriously. don't they both know she's at Mercy?)

PCPD Shack: Robin goes to the shack to visit Mac. Johnny shows up to tell her to come now to Mercy b/c Emma has pneumonia. Robin just stands there and Johnny snaps at her "did you hear me? your daughter is sick. come with me now!" thank you johnny.

Nik and Chewbecca: He tells her he's worried about her b/c of Emily. She snaps "who the hell is Emily?" oh, where to start?

Snowy Roof: Jax has landed and for some reason gets out of the helicopter. Spinelli and Weenie share a tearful goodbye. Oh, who cares? Lucky puts Liz on the helicopter. She weakly asks him to come with her, but come on, there are like 50 women and old people who should obviously go first. They kiss goodbye. Sam stands nearby and has covered her face with her jacket b/c of the cold, but it turns out she probably has a "bleck, I think I just ate a bug" face, so that turns out to be good.

Red Square: (as in Candyland. Not saying they are in Russia!) I KNEW stupid Sonny would get trapped under a beam! He and Carly bicker about wandering aimlessly and slowly to safety, but then we hear the universal sound effect for collapsing roof, and they both look up in terror as the screen cuts to black.

the end

see ya tomorrow for another stupid filled hour of this show!