GH Recap 12/1: Jake Leg

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

Kate's Beige House: Jax and Kate make love on the floor in front of the fire, as you do. Carly walks in with a gun in her hand and lets tears fall. But then she only dumps the bucket of ice for the champagne on them and asks if they are even now.

ZHouse: The Marriage continues.

Desolate Cabin: Sam hops in Jason's car and says that Liz and Cam are safe, and it's only been 2 minutes since The Danger left. Jason drives off, and Liz walks out of the house, clutching Cam. She waves a towel at Jason and sobs "Dammit Jason, you go find my baybeeee!"

Credits

Z'House: Preacher Man pronounces Sonny and Claud married and then stammers that it's traditional to kiss the bride. Sonny pulls Claud into a violent embrace and kisses her. So ridiculous.

Kate's Beige House: Jax puts his pants on while Carly yells at him. She says she slept with Sonny b/c she was really, super sad, but Jax is just mean. She says she never set out to hurt him. Jax says he never did either. Kate growls that Carly basically shoved Jax into her arms.

Roadside: Johnny and Looloo have stopped driving and are standing around in the freezing upstate New York night and trying to figure out where to go next. They figure their choices are south or west because north is cold and east becomes water after awhile. Loo says her family was on the run for years before she was born, and they went to so many places. She thinks it's her turn to be a real Spencer and be on the road with the man she loves.

Mob Mobile: Sam stares at her phone, willing it to get reception. She finally gets some and reports a kid was kidnapped, and there is still a woman with a young child. Jason listens panic stricken and winces when Sam mentions he was wearing a onesie. She loses reception before they can say anything. Sam says he missed the car by two minutues. He slams his fist into the dashboard and laments that he had no idea his son was in the car he passed.

Desolate Cabin: Liz cradles Cam and cries in his ear that it's okay, and Jason and Sam are going to bring his brother back. She sobs that she should have never brought him here, and he was so brave. She promises she'll never let anything like this happen again. Suddenly there comes a pounding on the door. the door with no latch or windows. What a polite intruder...or idiot.

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Desolate Cabin: Liz asks Cam to hide, and he smiles really big. Maybe he somehow inherited some stupid from Lucky. Speaking of whom, it's Lucky at the door. Liz tells him The Danger took Jake.

We cut back and forth from Liz and Sam explaining to Lucky and Jason respectively about how Sam went to get firewood and saw Stolichnaya. Sam explains they realized the phone lines were cut. Liz says Sam shot one with a shotgun, and it was so loud. Sam explains that she was out of bullets, so she tried to create a diversion, and a bad guy came in, and she was in serious trouble, so Liz shot him. Liz laments, babe in arms, that she killed a man, and her son is gone. Honestly, how do you say that while holding a kindergartner? Sam asks if he thinks Jason knew Jakeson was her. Jason says he doesn't know. Sam incredulously says "Jason, it was a trap, and your son was the bait."

Z'House: Wedding Reception. How do you get a nice wedding cake in the middle of the night? I mean, even if you have all the money in the world, it still takes time to bake the cake and roll the fondant and cover it just right. Sonny and Claud cut the cake. Or, more accurately, they mangle it. and they mangled the top that you are supposed to freeze and save for the first anniversary. Man, they are going to be so embarassed when they realize that a year from now! Wheels makes a toast to peace and prosperity to them all. Then he announces "wedding's over. claud, make yourself scarce, we have business." Sonnny puts his arm around Claud and says she's not going anywhere.

Kate's Beige House: Jax and Carly yell at each other about their boinking tally. Kate yells at Jax and tells him not to engage, just let her tucker herself out and leave. Carly scoffs that they will regret this. She says she's been holding onto the marriage, but she's over that now. Then she vows to destroy Connie. She leaves in a puffy-haired huff. Kate gulps. The air, not the champagne.

Roadside: Loo and Johnny hop into the tiny backseat for some very awkward Penthouse Forum type of fumbling sex. But a cop yells out for them to get out of the car. Loo says they were just looking at the stars, and then condescendingly points at the sky to show the cop what stars are. The cop is understandably not amused and says he'll charge them with sucking the life out of the show...er...lewd behavior. Looloo again scoffs openly at a cop and says he should arrest a bank robber or a drug dealer. Copper decides that he'll just arrest Johnny. For some reason, Looloo finds this surprising. Looloo hasn't met too many cops has she?

Haunted Star: Nik finds Luke, and they share a drink, and Nik informs Luke about his conversation with Laura. Things are going well for her. Luke hopes she's enjoying her independence. Nik asks if he is. Luke says he always enjoys his independence, but he does miss his wife. Nik wisely asks "which one?" and Luke hides his answer in the bottom of this glass.

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Z'House: Sonny says he will do business at Corinthaus and not here. Sonny orders Ric to hotly call a meeting with the Lieutenants. Wheels says that the meetings need to be here and sooffs that he's supposed to trust Sonny. Claud purrs that he is b/c that's why he made Sonny marry Claud. Sonny and Claud leave arm in arm. Ric hotly laughs and says to Wheels "well, ya wanted better or worse. Ya got it!" Then he hotly puts his hands in his pockets and saunters off to be hot elsewhere. Wheels and Trevor don't like this turn of events.

Haunted Star: Luke and Nik have a nice conversation about thinking you've found The One, only to lose her and then be suprised when you find The Other One. Nik says he never sees his life lessons coming, they just smack him upside the head. Nik asks how Luke could let Laura go to Paris without him when he loved her so much. Luke solemnly says he's married to Tracy now, and he can't just dump her whenever Laura is out of Catatonia. Luke laments that Tracy overheard him tell Loo that he would have gone with Laura to paris if she'd asked. he says he just meant to get Laura settled, but he knows Tracy won't buy that. He bitterly laughs that Tracy will never trust him again. and then he drinks.

Roadside: Copper asks for ID, which seems like a weird thing to do after someone is already in cuffs. I've watched enough Cops to know that is atypical. Copper stutters when he realizes Johnny is a Z. He uncuffs Johnny and apologizes. Johnny is annoyed that he's being given special treatment and starts acting out to the cop. he says if he can park in an unsafe place, then he can do anything right? and he shoves the cop. Match made in heaven, John and Loo!

Z'House: Ric hotly comes back and hotly licks at the cake. Wheels demands that Ric still has to report to him. ric asks why Wheels is so upset, because his plan is going as he wanted it to. Wheels chastises that it would be a mistake for Ric to hotly work with Sonny against him. Ric says Sonny hasn't been his brother for a very long time. "He made his choice, now I'm making mine." Then he leaves again. Also? I think Sonny and Claud had a red velvet cake.

Mob Mobile: Sam warns that she believes this is a trap. Jason interrupts her and won't listen. Sam starts to apologize for letting Jakeson be kidnapped, but he again snaps at her and tells her not to go there now. Sam quietly says she really has to say this b/c she's been realizing how horrible she was. She says Liz was amazing for her kids tonight. Jason stares ahead with watery, worried eyes. She senses she's bothering him, so she puts her head down, but she can't help but to finish and promise that she knows she owes it to Liz and Jason to do everything she can to get Jakeson back. They've reached their destination and get out of the car.

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Corinthaus: Milo and Max carry Claud's bags in. Max says "welcome home Mrs...uh...Nu Mrs C." they all share an awkward giggle. Sonny asks Milo to set Claud up in a room overlooking the lake. Milo doofs "your room, sir?" But Max shuts him up. They go upstairs. Sonny offers Claud a drink, and she asks how their wedding compared to all his other ones. He says it was just business, but he must like her b/c she gets ice in her water. He never even did that for Brenda!

Roadside: Copper tries to get Johnny to quit being an idiot b/c of how he can actually arrest or shoot him at will. Johnny petulantly says he doesn't want to calm down. Copper angrily tells Loo to take Johnny somewhere to chill out. Then big, bad Johnny sucker punches the Cop and knocks him out. THEN big, bad Johnny hops in the car and runs away like the worst combination of a sissy and a bully. He sat around goading this cop. He knocked him out and left him in the cold December night in upstate New York, but he's just going to drive away b/c he actually DOESN'T want to face consequences. Johnny sucks.

Z'House: Carly shows up to see Trevor. He says he's been banished from the inner circle. She says this is about Kate. She somehow learned that Trevor called to check up on Kate every day she was in the hospital, and she's curious about his motives. Trevor jumps to the point and asks what she wants. She takes her drink and wigglingly says "what if I could give you your Katy back?"

Desolate Cabin: More cops have shown up, and Liz is warily giving them a statement. Liz is freaked to learn that the cop hasn't heard from Jason or Sam. Even though there is a dead body, Lucky talks the cop into letting him get the rest of Liz's statement later. They leave.

The Danger Zone: Sam is in the woods and runs into a Russian. She's just a decoy, though, so Superjase can sneak up and knock him out. Apparently they already used all the hot Russians, because this guy is on the balding, tubby side. and by "side" I mean, he could be the quarterback for Team Tubby.

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Corinthaus: Claud and Sonny talk about Wheels. She says he wants it badly, and that Sonny played it brilliantly. She wants to see her room and asks to be escorted so she doesn't see anything she shouldn't. He reluctantly agrees.

Kate's Beige House: kate sits around and pretends to work, even though it's the middle of the night, and she's already had a bottle of champagne to herself as well as interrupted sex. Olivia comes home and tries to be comforting, but Kate just snaps at Olivia that she could have stopped The Marriage. Oh, I'm remembering why I was calling her Khate now.

Z'House: Carly and Trevor continue to talk about Kate Revenge. Carly points out that Kate dumped Trevor in a humiliating way. Trevor asks if Carly thinks he wants revenge, or wants Khate back. Carly says she doesn't care, she just wants Khate's past to haunt her.

The Danger Zone: Jason and Sam scurry about in the shadows, stalking Russians.

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Z'House: Trevor says Carly is fired up and wants to land on Khate like the wrath of God (God rolls His eyes and says, Dude, I have covered every scare inch of the planet in frogs when I get bored once. Don't compare this twit to Me.")

Kate's Beige House: Kate laments that Jax came over and Sonny and Carly came by at various inopportune moments. Olivia asks if this is here way of saying she "sproinked" Carly's husband. heh. Olivia tries not to laugh when Khate tells her about Carly's dumping the ice bucket on them. Or maybe that was me trying not to laugh. Regardless, Khate sees all of this as Olivia's fault. Olivia stands up for herself and says Khate is where she is b/c of her choices. She tells Khate to learn to live with her decisions. Khate ignores all this wise advice and snots "is that what you did when Sonny dumped you for me?" and again, Sonny dumped Olivia when they were in high school.

Corinthaus: Sonny starts ordering Ric and Max and Milo around. As per usual, he sounds so laughably ineffectual. Claud appears at the top of the stairs, and she and Ric share a sizzling non-smile. Claud says she thought business could wait, but Sonny stutterbarks that she thought wrong.

Spencer Home: Liz weeps, the bereft weeping of a mother who made one too many mistakes and is now paying the most horrible price. She sinks onto the sofa and sobs that she put herself above her kids, and now Jake is gone. She stares with crazy, sad eyes into space, trying to figure out what to do.

Danger Zone: Sam and Jason are in some sort of catacombs, but the not The Catacombs. New York is a geological wonder is what I'm saying. They find a clue that leads them to believe Jakeson was here recently. But then, of course, the whole place collapses on them. As places with collapsing abilities are wont to do.

The End

GH Recap 11/19: I am Mr. Roark, and I am your host

Haunted Star: I forgot Johnny and Luke were working together. Or did I make that up? They are in a scene together.

Russian Shadow Warehouse: Sam trots into the warehouse b/c why would there be any guards at all? She asks Sascha for a job.

Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli comes home to put the gun back into the Box of Secret Pain. Jason says he shouldn't be carrying that. Spinelli says no one, not even Jason, will stop him from exacting The Revenge.

Credits


Scorpio-Drake Home: Robin thinks Patrick should go do rounds. He doesn't want to leave her alone while she's recovering from the c-section. Seriously, why wouldn't she be totally cool with being pampered for one stupid day? She wants to have a chance to be a mommy and thinks it's about time.

Haunted Star: Luke says he's disappointed in Johnny for some reason. I guess Luke wanted to challenge him to a game of roulette. Johnny thinks he's being played and wants to play cards. He opens a fresh deck and fans them out face down. But Brandon Baresh has apparently never played cards in his life because he holds the fan of cards in a way that would easily let Luke see them. Johnny wins the card picking and remains a partner at the HS.

Olivia's Room: Sonny has once again answered a phone that isn't his. He chats with Dante until Olivia rips the phone away. Olivia ends the call and tells Sonny that he's out of line. Olivia says she'll go back to Bensonhurst if he's going to end run her son. or something like that. Um, the thing is, Olivia is not wealthy, right? So doesn't she need to go back to work? Doesn't she have rent to pay? Even in Bensonhurst, I doubt rent is so affordable that you can take a month off work.

Russian Shadow Warehouse: Sascha will give Sam a job.




Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli tells Jason that Maxie was beat up and hit her head when she fell. Spinelli frantically says he thought she was dead. Jason says that he just said she's fine. Spinelli says that Maxie is quite small with delicate bones, and the Russians brutalized her anyway. Jason says that Maxie is under his protection as much as anyone else, and the people who hurt her will pay. Jason emphatically tells Spinelli that he knows he's wanting to take on The Revenge, but The Revenge often leads to The Darkening and The Dreadening or whatever, and you can never come back from The Dreadening of killing someone. Jason gets a phone call, so Spinelli is able to break the trance Jason has him in and runs off as Jason talks to Bernie. Or Bennie. I can never remember.

Commercials

GH Lounge: Edward and Tracy meet. Edward wants Monica to be chief of staff b/c she's been getting on his nerves at the house. Edward mocks her marriage to Luke, but she says she's Luke's real wife, since he chose to stay with her.

Nurse's Station: Piph tells Liz about some patients, and that she thinks Liz's boyfriend is involved. Liz snits that if Piph is talking about Jason, she doesn't know anything about his business. Piph says Liz may not be a total idiot afterall. I paraphrase. Patrick shows up to work and tells the women that Robin is a good mom.

Emma's Home: Robin tries to put together some complicated thingy. Why wouldn't two physicians just pay someone to build their baby stuff? Emma starts crying. Robin picks up doll and tries to figure out a way to either heat a bottle or change her. She doesn't know which Emma needs, so instead of simply CHECKING the kid's diaper and making a bottle anyway, she just pathetically sits there and pats the doll. Unsurprisingly, Emma still needs whatever is making her cry to be addressed, so she keeps crying. Well, Robin, you can try waiting until she starves to death, or you can make a dang bottle for her.

Haunted Star: Johnny and Luke try to have a cool-off basically. Neither one is winning, by the way.

Olivia's Room: Oy, Sonny and Olivia keep yammering to each other. Who has the time to sit around and bicker all day? Oh, and speaking of have WAY too much free time? kate shows up yet again to eaveslurk. Sonny randomly says he wants to talk to Dante again. Kate looks on in surprise.

Corinthaus: Spinelli lets himself in the terrace door. Why don't these people, who are actively being attacked by The Danger, never lock their doors? Somehow Spinelli knows that the bar is totally awesome and has a secret panel where Sonny keeps his box of Secret Pain. Only really, Sonny just keeps a gun in it b/c Sonny has no secret pain. he tells anyone and everyone all about his stupid pain. Spinelli conceals the gun. Max comes in to ask what Spinelli is doing. Spinelli says this is wise and takes off. Of course, he has to stop on the terrace and pull out the gun and think a moment before taking off resolutely. Do the writers think we forgot already that he just got that gun?

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Olivia's Room: Kate is all wimpy and pathetic and says Sonny was nice to take time off work to visit Olivia and that Olivia will thank him accordingly. Olivia says this is insulting to both her and Sonny. Sonny again says he'll call Dante to look after Olivia if she doesn't get better, or something. Olivia smiles and calls him an asss. Sonny leaves and Kate whines that Sonny should know about Dante, and she thinks telling Sonny would be a perfect, final gesture. Olivia stares dumbfounded and smell the farty about it, and Mr. Mad giggles.

Maxie's room: Spinelli brought a lavender plant to Maxie that can be transplanted later. Maxie says she has a brown thumb. Spinelli says that Mac was right and it is spinelli's fault she was injured, so he has to step out of her life. Mr. Mad asks who this weirdo is.

Docks: Sam and Lucky meet. She tells him that she got a job with The Russians. Lucky says this is a bad idea. Sam says that no one else is in a position to get evidence. It's a good point. Maybe the government or someone could create a group of people who do things like spy on bad guys and gather evidence. It could be centralized. Maybe set up headquarters in Langley, Virginia.

Jason's Penthouse: Jason gets Cody ready to drain the blood of every Russian in town. He wants no prisoners.

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Nurse's Station: Liz and Patrick discuss patients. Patrick mentions that Emma sleeps only 3 hours at a time. Liz chuckles and says that sounds great to her. Patrick asks a few more questions about how often he should feed her. Piph shows up to be a total, bitchmouthed snot and berates him for making conversation about his newborn with a woman who is both a mother and a nurse. Honestly, they are getting work done, so why can't he ask a few questions without this insulting castigation? For some reason, Patrick apologizes. Robin calls and the baby is crying, so he asks them to sign him out. Liz and Piph say they have it under control, and he should be with his family. patrick cutely likes the sound of "my family" and leaves. Piph chuckles. Because I'm so effing sure that she just magically knew how to be a perfect parent 24 hours into the job.

Haunted Star: Johnny and Luke are still hanging out, drinking and being cool. Looloo and some really silly looking curly hair saunter in. She's all snotty to Luke and says that Luke didn't keep her and Johnny apart. Luke says "oh, rats" and thanks Johnny for stopping by. Johnny kisses her forehead and says her name never came up. ha! Loo says she's an idiot, but Luke hugs her fondly anyways because he's used to have idiots for children.

Maxie's Room: Maxie's eyes are all puffy and tearful as she insists that Stolichnaya attacked her b/c she saw them at Kelly's. She cutely says "I know you think you are a mobster, but you're not. You're more like...tech support!" Spinelli says that being friends with Jason makes him complicit. When he saw her lying in the same spot where Georgie died, and he couldn't bear life without her. Before he can finish, she interrupts and says she feels the same way, and she can't manage without his friendship. She'll turn into a horrible person again. SPinelli says she'll always be in his heart. She says she needs his presence too. He says she will have it, just not now. Then he ominously gets up to "attend" to something. She is easily cued in that this is The Danger and demands to know where he's going, but he leaves and says no more.

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Emma's Closet: Patrick comes home and Robin whines that she's destroying Emma's life by being bad at everything. Patrick picks up Emma and gets her to stop crying. Robin asks how he did that. Patrick says it was just bad timing, and Emma was probably cried out. Robin, as Robin does, takes this one piece of anecdotal evidence and bases her life's philosophy on it: Patrick is a great dad, and she sucks. Maybe Emma just doesn't like bad attitudes, Robin?

Haunted Star: Luke and Looloo talk about Logan. he blames Logan and hopes Loo isn't beating herself up over it. I can't even conceive of my father not being around for my murder trial. Loo thinks Laura could sense Looloo's pain and knew she was needed, so she came back. Loo asks what it means to him to have Laura back.

Corinthaus: Max tells sonny that Spinelli came by to broker a truce. Sonny says it's clear that Spinelli lives in the twilght zone and Jason doesn't really want to help him. Max says it's shame. There is a knock at the door. Max lets in Kate. Sonny mumbles that he thought she'd come, but he didn't think it would be this soon. Wow, that is so romantic. That was about as romantic as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Kate says she's not there to get back together, rather for the opposite.

Russian Shadow Warehouse: Sam reports for duty. Sascha has Vlad frisk Sam. She says she'd appreciate a warning next time. Sascha coldly says she doesn't trust Sam yet. Why that means she can't give a polite heads up about a frisking is beyond me. Vlad and the vodkas open a crate. Sam stares openly at it with her mouth slightly open. Because she's about as subtle as Freddy Mercury, that one.

Jason's Penthouse: I think we literally see the exact scene with Jason and Cody, with Jason once again saying that they'll leave no one alive. I assume he doesn't mean the emo-sounding band that plays while The Danger montage unfolds in slow motion.

Commercials.

Corinthaus: kHate says it's sad that stuff is sad, and she didn't know he was still in the mob. She kept a secret. he needs to know the truth....about his son. oh brudder. You are a piece of work kHate Howard.

Docks: Belvedere and Grey Goose walk along the docks. Spinelli jumps out from behind a row of crates and says "Freeze Evil dowers. This is for maximista" But then he stands there with the gun drawn for 45 hours.

Russian Shadow Warehouse: Jason puts a sleeper hold on a guard. Then he signals for Cody. For some reason it only seems to be two of them shooting at the Russians. Sam has to hide behind crates. Because of how wooden crates totally stop bullets. Much shooting ensues. Sadly, there is no emo song. :(

the end