GH Recap 12/1: Jake Leg

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

Kate's Beige House: Jax and Kate make love on the floor in front of the fire, as you do. Carly walks in with a gun in her hand and lets tears fall. But then she only dumps the bucket of ice for the champagne on them and asks if they are even now.

ZHouse: The Marriage continues.

Desolate Cabin: Sam hops in Jason's car and says that Liz and Cam are safe, and it's only been 2 minutes since The Danger left. Jason drives off, and Liz walks out of the house, clutching Cam. She waves a towel at Jason and sobs "Dammit Jason, you go find my baybeeee!"

Credits

Z'House: Preacher Man pronounces Sonny and Claud married and then stammers that it's traditional to kiss the bride. Sonny pulls Claud into a violent embrace and kisses her. So ridiculous.

Kate's Beige House: Jax puts his pants on while Carly yells at him. She says she slept with Sonny b/c she was really, super sad, but Jax is just mean. She says she never set out to hurt him. Jax says he never did either. Kate growls that Carly basically shoved Jax into her arms.

Roadside: Johnny and Looloo have stopped driving and are standing around in the freezing upstate New York night and trying to figure out where to go next. They figure their choices are south or west because north is cold and east becomes water after awhile. Loo says her family was on the run for years before she was born, and they went to so many places. She thinks it's her turn to be a real Spencer and be on the road with the man she loves.

Mob Mobile: Sam stares at her phone, willing it to get reception. She finally gets some and reports a kid was kidnapped, and there is still a woman with a young child. Jason listens panic stricken and winces when Sam mentions he was wearing a onesie. She loses reception before they can say anything. Sam says he missed the car by two minutues. He slams his fist into the dashboard and laments that he had no idea his son was in the car he passed.

Desolate Cabin: Liz cradles Cam and cries in his ear that it's okay, and Jason and Sam are going to bring his brother back. She sobs that she should have never brought him here, and he was so brave. She promises she'll never let anything like this happen again. Suddenly there comes a pounding on the door. the door with no latch or windows. What a polite intruder...or idiot.

Commercials

Desolate Cabin: Liz asks Cam to hide, and he smiles really big. Maybe he somehow inherited some stupid from Lucky. Speaking of whom, it's Lucky at the door. Liz tells him The Danger took Jake.

We cut back and forth from Liz and Sam explaining to Lucky and Jason respectively about how Sam went to get firewood and saw Stolichnaya. Sam explains they realized the phone lines were cut. Liz says Sam shot one with a shotgun, and it was so loud. Sam explains that she was out of bullets, so she tried to create a diversion, and a bad guy came in, and she was in serious trouble, so Liz shot him. Liz laments, babe in arms, that she killed a man, and her son is gone. Honestly, how do you say that while holding a kindergartner? Sam asks if he thinks Jason knew Jakeson was her. Jason says he doesn't know. Sam incredulously says "Jason, it was a trap, and your son was the bait."

Z'House: Wedding Reception. How do you get a nice wedding cake in the middle of the night? I mean, even if you have all the money in the world, it still takes time to bake the cake and roll the fondant and cover it just right. Sonny and Claud cut the cake. Or, more accurately, they mangle it. and they mangled the top that you are supposed to freeze and save for the first anniversary. Man, they are going to be so embarassed when they realize that a year from now! Wheels makes a toast to peace and prosperity to them all. Then he announces "wedding's over. claud, make yourself scarce, we have business." Sonnny puts his arm around Claud and says she's not going anywhere.

Kate's Beige House: Jax and Carly yell at each other about their boinking tally. Kate yells at Jax and tells him not to engage, just let her tucker herself out and leave. Carly scoffs that they will regret this. She says she's been holding onto the marriage, but she's over that now. Then she vows to destroy Connie. She leaves in a puffy-haired huff. Kate gulps. The air, not the champagne.

Roadside: Loo and Johnny hop into the tiny backseat for some very awkward Penthouse Forum type of fumbling sex. But a cop yells out for them to get out of the car. Loo says they were just looking at the stars, and then condescendingly points at the sky to show the cop what stars are. The cop is understandably not amused and says he'll charge them with sucking the life out of the show...er...lewd behavior. Looloo again scoffs openly at a cop and says he should arrest a bank robber or a drug dealer. Copper decides that he'll just arrest Johnny. For some reason, Looloo finds this surprising. Looloo hasn't met too many cops has she?

Haunted Star: Nik finds Luke, and they share a drink, and Nik informs Luke about his conversation with Laura. Things are going well for her. Luke hopes she's enjoying her independence. Nik asks if he is. Luke says he always enjoys his independence, but he does miss his wife. Nik wisely asks "which one?" and Luke hides his answer in the bottom of this glass.

Commercials

Z'House: Sonny says he will do business at Corinthaus and not here. Sonny orders Ric to hotly call a meeting with the Lieutenants. Wheels says that the meetings need to be here and sooffs that he's supposed to trust Sonny. Claud purrs that he is b/c that's why he made Sonny marry Claud. Sonny and Claud leave arm in arm. Ric hotly laughs and says to Wheels "well, ya wanted better or worse. Ya got it!" Then he hotly puts his hands in his pockets and saunters off to be hot elsewhere. Wheels and Trevor don't like this turn of events.

Haunted Star: Luke and Nik have a nice conversation about thinking you've found The One, only to lose her and then be suprised when you find The Other One. Nik says he never sees his life lessons coming, they just smack him upside the head. Nik asks how Luke could let Laura go to Paris without him when he loved her so much. Luke solemnly says he's married to Tracy now, and he can't just dump her whenever Laura is out of Catatonia. Luke laments that Tracy overheard him tell Loo that he would have gone with Laura to paris if she'd asked. he says he just meant to get Laura settled, but he knows Tracy won't buy that. He bitterly laughs that Tracy will never trust him again. and then he drinks.

Roadside: Copper asks for ID, which seems like a weird thing to do after someone is already in cuffs. I've watched enough Cops to know that is atypical. Copper stutters when he realizes Johnny is a Z. He uncuffs Johnny and apologizes. Johnny is annoyed that he's being given special treatment and starts acting out to the cop. he says if he can park in an unsafe place, then he can do anything right? and he shoves the cop. Match made in heaven, John and Loo!

Z'House: Ric hotly comes back and hotly licks at the cake. Wheels demands that Ric still has to report to him. ric asks why Wheels is so upset, because his plan is going as he wanted it to. Wheels chastises that it would be a mistake for Ric to hotly work with Sonny against him. Ric says Sonny hasn't been his brother for a very long time. "He made his choice, now I'm making mine." Then he leaves again. Also? I think Sonny and Claud had a red velvet cake.

Mob Mobile: Sam warns that she believes this is a trap. Jason interrupts her and won't listen. Sam starts to apologize for letting Jakeson be kidnapped, but he again snaps at her and tells her not to go there now. Sam quietly says she really has to say this b/c she's been realizing how horrible she was. She says Liz was amazing for her kids tonight. Jason stares ahead with watery, worried eyes. She senses she's bothering him, so she puts her head down, but she can't help but to finish and promise that she knows she owes it to Liz and Jason to do everything she can to get Jakeson back. They've reached their destination and get out of the car.

Commercials

Corinthaus: Milo and Max carry Claud's bags in. Max says "welcome home Mrs...uh...Nu Mrs C." they all share an awkward giggle. Sonny asks Milo to set Claud up in a room overlooking the lake. Milo doofs "your room, sir?" But Max shuts him up. They go upstairs. Sonny offers Claud a drink, and she asks how their wedding compared to all his other ones. He says it was just business, but he must like her b/c she gets ice in her water. He never even did that for Brenda!

Roadside: Copper tries to get Johnny to quit being an idiot b/c of how he can actually arrest or shoot him at will. Johnny petulantly says he doesn't want to calm down. Copper angrily tells Loo to take Johnny somewhere to chill out. Then big, bad Johnny sucker punches the Cop and knocks him out. THEN big, bad Johnny hops in the car and runs away like the worst combination of a sissy and a bully. He sat around goading this cop. He knocked him out and left him in the cold December night in upstate New York, but he's just going to drive away b/c he actually DOESN'T want to face consequences. Johnny sucks.

Z'House: Carly shows up to see Trevor. He says he's been banished from the inner circle. She says this is about Kate. She somehow learned that Trevor called to check up on Kate every day she was in the hospital, and she's curious about his motives. Trevor jumps to the point and asks what she wants. She takes her drink and wigglingly says "what if I could give you your Katy back?"

Desolate Cabin: More cops have shown up, and Liz is warily giving them a statement. Liz is freaked to learn that the cop hasn't heard from Jason or Sam. Even though there is a dead body, Lucky talks the cop into letting him get the rest of Liz's statement later. They leave.

The Danger Zone: Sam is in the woods and runs into a Russian. She's just a decoy, though, so Superjase can sneak up and knock him out. Apparently they already used all the hot Russians, because this guy is on the balding, tubby side. and by "side" I mean, he could be the quarterback for Team Tubby.

Commercials

Corinthaus: Claud and Sonny talk about Wheels. She says he wants it badly, and that Sonny played it brilliantly. She wants to see her room and asks to be escorted so she doesn't see anything she shouldn't. He reluctantly agrees.

Kate's Beige House: kate sits around and pretends to work, even though it's the middle of the night, and she's already had a bottle of champagne to herself as well as interrupted sex. Olivia comes home and tries to be comforting, but Kate just snaps at Olivia that she could have stopped The Marriage. Oh, I'm remembering why I was calling her Khate now.

Z'House: Carly and Trevor continue to talk about Kate Revenge. Carly points out that Kate dumped Trevor in a humiliating way. Trevor asks if Carly thinks he wants revenge, or wants Khate back. Carly says she doesn't care, she just wants Khate's past to haunt her.

The Danger Zone: Jason and Sam scurry about in the shadows, stalking Russians.

Commercials

Z'House: Trevor says Carly is fired up and wants to land on Khate like the wrath of God (God rolls His eyes and says, Dude, I have covered every scare inch of the planet in frogs when I get bored once. Don't compare this twit to Me.")

Kate's Beige House: Kate laments that Jax came over and Sonny and Carly came by at various inopportune moments. Olivia asks if this is here way of saying she "sproinked" Carly's husband. heh. Olivia tries not to laugh when Khate tells her about Carly's dumping the ice bucket on them. Or maybe that was me trying not to laugh. Regardless, Khate sees all of this as Olivia's fault. Olivia stands up for herself and says Khate is where she is b/c of her choices. She tells Khate to learn to live with her decisions. Khate ignores all this wise advice and snots "is that what you did when Sonny dumped you for me?" and again, Sonny dumped Olivia when they were in high school.

Corinthaus: Sonny starts ordering Ric and Max and Milo around. As per usual, he sounds so laughably ineffectual. Claud appears at the top of the stairs, and she and Ric share a sizzling non-smile. Claud says she thought business could wait, but Sonny stutterbarks that she thought wrong.

Spencer Home: Liz weeps, the bereft weeping of a mother who made one too many mistakes and is now paying the most horrible price. She sinks onto the sofa and sobs that she put herself above her kids, and now Jake is gone. She stares with crazy, sad eyes into space, trying to figure out what to do.

Danger Zone: Sam and Jason are in some sort of catacombs, but the not The Catacombs. New York is a geological wonder is what I'm saying. They find a clue that leads them to believe Jakeson was here recently. But then, of course, the whole place collapses on them. As places with collapsing abilities are wont to do.

The End

GH Recap 11/21: Grrrrllllllll power

So I know it's a bit silly that Liz and Sam would be in a minivan together. I know it's a bit silly that Liz is willing to trust Sam with her kids. But to me, this is easily my favorite twist in this silly show. It's frankly one of the few things that has my interest!

I am an unabashed Team Sam kind of girl. Now that Liez has quit liezing all the time, I can enjoy her again as well as simple Liz. (she used to be my favorite, and I never faulted her for hooking up with Jason) I find their uneasy truce to be very realistic if you pretend the mob stuff isn't there, and I also find it very maternal. I love that they totally hate each other but also are willing, for the sake of the kids and for the sake of their own happiness, and a bit b/c of their righteous guilt, to accept each other as a necessary evil and a sometimes surprising-blessing. I love that Sam reassures Liz about Jason, and I love that Liz needs that reassurance and accepts it like a champ.

I hate the GH mob. HATE IT. Don't see the need for it. This show has always been about mob and adventure and guns. But there used to be a time when the mobsters were the bad guys (and mobsters, fictional or otherwise are BAD GUYS. Always. end of story. Don't talk to me about abs b/c Jason had hotass abs when he was a doctor. and doctors? are hot. {hottest guy I ever dated was also the most boring, but he was so handsome, big blue eyes, had a motorcycle. He was a doctor. I GET the Jason thing, is what I'm saying.}

I think Liz is a dolt for wanting to be with Jason "come what may", but I dig it that she is willing to scoop her kids up with Sam into a mini-van and go to an undisclosed location. I dig that Sam has found her adventure jones, but she's willing to use that only to protect Liz and her kids. Honestly, I know most people hate one or the other, but I am in hog's heaven enjoying the heck out of them working together.
Chez Zee: Claud says she's going to miss their apartment. She's going to Sonny's house, she supposes and will be playing wifey soon.

Z House: Sonny reaffirms his agreement to marry Claud. Wheels says Sonny is getting the organization and "my precious pearl, Claudia"

Jason's Penthouse: Jason tells Spinelli that Liz and Sam were brought to one of Lucky's stupid safehouses b/c Lucky didn't want them under Jason's protection.

Minivan: Sam makes small talk and says she knows the boys are good campers. Liz smiles gamely at this, and Cameron squeals cutely. But suddenly we hear a boom and Liz screams and swerves.

Credits

Wyndermere: Jax comes in to tell Nik that his building will start soon. I can't even begin to say how unrealistic all this real estate babble is. Jax is going to build a causeway to the mainland. Nik throws Jax out. Carly shows up in a ridiculous blue shirt and tells Jax this has to stop. I hope she means the Strings of Stupidity.

Jason's Penthouse: Jason tells Spinelli they can't make any mistakes. Spinelli nervously prances about. Jason tells him the plan, but Spinelli blurts out that he made a mistake and held the Russians at gunpoint. Jason stares incredulously at this idiotic piece of news.

Minivan: Liz thanks Sam for changing the tire. Sam says it was a group effort. Liz says she was unsure about going away with Sam at first, but she's glad she's here. They compare notes that they are both feeling a bit paranoid and scared, but Liz peps up and says they'll be at the cabin in 30 minutes and no one will find them. Well, except the four guards that I'm sure Jason and Lucky insisted on! Other than them right? Russian guy peers at them through binoculars. Even though he's really close enough to see them clearly without them.

Chez Zee: Johnny angrily yells that marriage is supposed to be about love and trust and commitment. Claud laughs that he's totally adorable and says this plan is business and it's good. John doesn't like selling out his sister.

ZHouse: Sonny stutters that he's in charge and everyone reports to him. Wheels soothingly says 'of course...of course' He does ask to be kept in the loop. Ric hotly pours Sonny a glass of brandy and has it ready to hand to him as Sonny is saying if anyone goes behind his back, the deal is off. Ric gives Sonny his drink and hotly assures him he won't be a problem. Sonny looks so ridiculous in this scene. He seems to want to believe so badly that he's in charge, that he's convinced himself, but just a glace at Ric and Wheels communicates that clearly they are running the show.

Commercials

Quartermaine Mansion: Tracy has a stiff drink. Looloo, Monica and Edward talk about Luke like he's still a part of the family. Tracy finally yells that everyone needs to shut up b/c Luke doesn't live here. Luke appears at the terrace door and says "Mrs. Spencer, you do not mean that."

Jason's Apartment: Jason sternly asks Spinelli to spill. Spinelli explains that he cornered two slavic scoundrels. Jason asks exactly what was Spinelli thinking and what was he trying to prove. Spinelli sadly says he was trying to avenge Maxie. Jason says Spinelli is too smart to use a gun. "If you want to be a hero to Maxie, you stay the person you are. That's who she needs you to be." Knock at the door. It's Olivia, lounging in the door frame. she says they need to talk about Sonny.

Chez Zee: Johnny points out that Claud already once spilled a secret to Jason. She says she had hypothermia. Johnny oddly says she could get hypothermia again. She'll be with Sonny all the time, and she's sure to slip. Claud assures him again that it's a marriage of convenience. He asks if this means they aren't going to sleep together. She says of course she's going to sleep with him, since they are more compatible in bed than out of it.

Z'House: Sonny says he's going to provide guidance and leadership so the Z's can compete. Wheels says he needs them to stay alive. Sonny says they both win. Wheels says it's too bad he has to come and marry Claud, all because the man Sonny put in charge wouldn't let him back in. Sonny says he can handle Jason. (he can't) and Wheels says he's counting on it (don't count to high, Wheelsy!)

Commercials

Wyndermere: Carly yells at Jax for planning on building a resort on Spoon Island. Nik says his attorneys can keep this held up in court for years, and he still owns 25% of metrocourt. Carly says this is just a pathetic little contest with the two of them. Jax says Carly blah blah blah who cares.

Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli leaves to do Jason's bidding. Olivia says when she sees a train wreck coming, she has to speak up. I don't get that metaphor. She says he needs to let Sonny back in the mob.

Z'House: Johnny and Claud visit their dad. Wheels says Sonny has agreed to marry Claud. John says there won't be a wedding. Wheels tells Claud to go to Sonny tonight and seal the deal. John tells her not to, but she says it's her choice, and she agrees. Wheels says that Claud is looking out for his best interest. John says Wheels wants to sell Claud off to Sonny so that the organization is stronger when he's ready to take over, but Johnny doesn't want it. Claud tries to hide the fact that she wants it a lot.

Corinthaus: Milo and Max bicker a bit. Sonny tells Max that he's at the end of his rope. he tells him he's taking over Z'Organization, and to do that he has to marry Claudia. Because it's 1532. and Claudia is Portugal. I really am having a hard time following any of this. I feel like they should be wearing powdered wigs.

Commercials

Q Mansion: Alice gives Luke a massage and offers Luke some more bourbon. Edward angrily tells Tracy to get rid of Luke. Tracy says she tried. Looloo says Tracy is entitled to her feelings. Tracy thanks her and says she'll always be her step daughter and is welcome to live here. Monica says Tracy can't issue invitations to her house. Why do all these people hang out in this one room all the time since they clearly despise each other? Luke asks Alice to get rid of everyone so he can talk to Tracy alone. Edward tells Tracy to stick to her resolve. Tracy tells Luke she is immune to his romantic flim flam. Luke says he's not joking, and he's not giving her up.

Z'House: wheels says Johnny is naive. The deal has to happen whether he likes it or not. Claud says it's just business. You don't have to like the guy who buys stock in your company, you just have to take his money. Johnny again says this is a bad idea and thinks Claud believes it will be more than business. He tells Claud to be careful what she wishes for. Wheels asks if John ir right about Sonny. She drolly asks if she looks like a woman with any romantic illusions. She puts a rose in his pocket and leaves. But he hates her and thus hates the rose, so he crushes it.

Corinthaus: Max and Sonny discuss The new Danger. Sonny now thinks maybe one of the Z's shot Kate. Max asks why they would. Sonny says this is why he's marrying Claud, so he can learn about the organization and discover who shot Kate. Max asks what good this will do. Sonny busts out a Shatnerian line delivery and says "I will then.......... be in a ....pos....ition.....to do something.....about it." It even comes with a weird, slow head turn.

Jason's Penthouse: Olivia warns that Sonny will become as bad as the Z's if he joins them. She begs Jason not to let that happen and go get Sonny back. Jason asks why it's so important to her.

Hidden Cabin: The gang arrives. cameron cutely squeals and hops around. Sam goes to get supplies from the car, and Liz tells Cameron that he's so important to her, and she'll do anything to protect them. I don't think the word "anything" means what Liz thinks it means. She says she loves him, and Cameron cutes "I wove you too" back. Aw. Sam gets stuff from the car as a Russian lurks nearby. and honestly. What did he do? Park next to her? and she just figured that Liz brought an extra car and forgot to tell her? dumb!

Commercials

Q Mansion: woof, is this a boring episode! Tracy and Luke, such good actors, but they have had this conversation every time he comes back to town. It's pointless b/c we know he'll leave again. I would recommend renting "Fool for Love" instead of watching this. It's a Sam Shepard play made into a film.

Jason's Penthouse: Olivia manages to not answer Jason's question. Ric hotly shows up that if he wants to stop SOnny from teaming up with the Z's, he better do it fast. Ric is hotly amused and bored by all of this.

Jake's: Johnny gets his drink on with Coleman. Looloo shows up and offers wild and crazy hot sex. Johnny awesomely didn't hear a word she just said. He says he's thinking about his sister being about to marry Sonny.

Corinthaus: Claud struts in saying she heard the good news. Sonny sits in a chair and says she moves fast. Claud says that he hasn't asked her yet. Sonny nods oddly. Well, I guess he does everything oddly, and this is a B- in weird.

Commercials

I'm starting to think this episode will never end.

Wyndermere: Carly continues to whine to Nik that if Nik fights Jax, he'll just be more obnoxious. Nik asks what the other solution is. Jax comes back in and Nik rudely says "didn't you leave?" and honestly. Jactslikeanidiot is looking so petty and silly. Jax says the surveyors are coming tomorrow and wants to know if Nik will work with them. Well, what does that even mean? the surveyors will simply do their job and don't need to bother Nik in the slightest. Are their hounds that have to be called off? I assume there are hounds, right? Carly tells Nik he should sell her back her shares and then Jax will quit being such a doof.

Jake's: gah. gack. glarb. Loo thinks Johnny has to quit feeling guilty for being a Zacharra. Oh, Loo, rose by any other name would smell as trite.

Corinthaus: Sonny and Claud talk about getting married. Sonny asks all bored "Claudia, would you marry me?" as if he's asking for sports scores. Or really, more like he's watching a game and she's standing in front of the TV wanting to ask about laundry, and he angrily says "Claud, you make a better door than a window." Olivia eaveslurks from the terrace.

Hidden cabin: Liz calls Jason from the effing working phone in the hidden cabin. Who on earth has been paying all the utilities for this place all this time. I hope they get HBO b/c it would be a shame to miss the True Blood finale. Liz says everything is fine, and he doesn't need to worry. Liz delights about roasting marshmallows. Sam goes to get wood for the fire, but her sensitive nipples can tell that the Russians are there. She tries to casually rush into the house and locks the door. She says the russians are there. Liz jumps up to use the phone, and Sam says they must have cut the line. AND SO NEITHER OF YOU DOLTS BROUGHT A CELL PHONE? Sam says there's no other hidden cabins for miles, so they are on their own.

The end.