GH Recap 12/19: Speed-the-plow

Carly's House: Carly has busted out the Christmas ornaments for the tree. Jax shows up with a gift for the little boy who lives upstairs. Carly is too exhausted to pick a fight. Monty runs downstairs and asks with a face full of hope if Jax is going to spend Christmas with them. Such a cute kid, that one.

Corinthaus: Claud is still listening to Jerry's annoying voice. Sonny walks in and asks what she's hiding.

Sink Hole: Sascha and Jason are still on the phone talking about Sam. Sascha has hilariously been watching Sam try to Mario Brothers her way out of this hole this entire time and warns that if Jason doesn't find her soon, she won't be around to find.

Credits.

Emma's Closet: Anna shows up to say she got all the stuff in London that Robin wanted. Oh, so does that explain where she's been. Anna hears someone walk in, and it turns out to be Robert! Anna asks if his oncologist knows he's here. robert says he only has cancer in a parallel universe that has nothing to do with GH. Or really, he just smiles mysteriously.

Carly's House: Carly explains that Jax will be with Lady Jane b/c she needs her son like Carly needs Monty. Jax decides to let the kid open his gift now. I hope it's a Z-box like on OLTL! Oh, it's just a generic "video game system" I suppose they also use cotton swabs instead of Q-tips and drink carbonated beverages instead of Pepsi?

Corinthaus: Sonny finally notices the cheerfully decorated tree and angrily asks what she's done. Well, Sonny, she's done what she already emphatically said she'd do.

Jason's Penthouse: Sascha demands that Jason meet him on the pier, or Sam dies. Jason tells Spinelli where he's going (Ahem, SAM, see how smart adventure junkies do it? they have a buddy they tell stuff to. Sam needs a Starsky) Spinelli objects and says if Jason gets killed then the world is doomed. He's less dramatic, but we all know it's true. It'd be like in Superman II when Superman decided to become Clark Kent full time so he could bang Lois, and then those evil phantom dudes took over the White House. Gawd, I love that movie!

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Carly's House: Monty plays with his video game console. Oh, he is pretty young. I guess it should be more Leapfrog than Zombie Killers. The box looks like it holds fun, educational delight for a little kid. Carly ruins Monty's fun and tells him to go upstairs and put on the special zen music earphones she bought him so he won't hear Mommy and _______ fighting all the time. Carly thanks Jax for being a good stepdad. Jax remembers how happy they were last year, and she wonders how they got here. (when were they happy? doesn't he always go surfing this time of year and abandon her or Skye or Brenduh?)

Corinthaus: Claud says she knows he's mad at the universe for Chucky's coma. He angrily (but rightly) says it wasn't God or the universe that got Chucky shot "it was MEEEEE!" and then he throws something and breaks it. Aw, Sonny DOES love Claudia! He only breaks crystal when it's true love.

GH: Patrick and Shawn Douglas bicker a little bit about Shawn Douglas' gift to Emma. Patrick invites Shawn to his wedding the day after Christmas. he also asks him to be his best man. Shawn Douglas is quite flummoxed.

Emma's Closet: Robert and Anna have tea. He assures her he's in remission, but she's going to check up at the clinic to make sure. He says she's welcome to call them b/c he's being honest. Then they bicker about being able to kick each other's booties. Robin comes home and jubilantly asks them what they are doing. Anna guiltily says they are fighting. Robert says they are playing catch up, and then he pats her fanny in such a way that makes her wiggly.

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Emma's Closet: Robin cuddles Emma. I'm so sure that Robert and Anna could just stand there and not grab that cutie baby from her. I fully plan on handing my kid off before my mom even says hello. Robert holds her and gives her a bottle. She gives out a few squeels. Robin is doing a good job of pretending like she doesn't hate her baby, so Emma relaxes. Robert sweetly says that Emma is proof he did something right in this world. He tells her he was in the hospital knocking on heaven's door, then he jokes it was probably the other place, but he knew there was something he needed to do. He kisses her forehead when she coos and says "you, my darling, were definitely worth the fight." aw!

Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli wonders why Jason is going to endanger himself. Jason grumpily says Sam saved Jakeson, so what does Spinelli want him to do? Well, for starters, you can only save people who don't purposefully put themselves in danger. Love ya, Sam, but COME ON!

Sink Hole: Sam writhes in pain, her face wet with tears, and her leg clearly broken or otherwise terribly injured. She tries to get back up, but she falls down in agony.

Carly's House: Carly cries about missing Chucky. Monty runs downstairs with a picture he made of Lady Jane. Jax says he's a great artist. Monty says "I miss you." and hugs Jax and causes Carly to sob. Gee, Carlidiot, maybe you should thought of THIS MOMENT when you traded in your marriage to save that jerkweed mobster, Sonny. You won't let Sonny see Monty, so why would you give up the one man you do think is worthy of your demon spawn?

Corinthaus: Sonny is in rare form for this scene. Claud says Sonny didn't put Chucky in a coma b/c he was the intended target. Sonny says he should have had guards (yes, 24/7) He says he should have reacted differently when he saw the rifle (you mean diving for your lover instead of your child? right again!) Sonny strikes at the air with his fist and talks about the people who continue to hurt people. He says Devlin crossed the line when he tried to kill him in front of his child. This jerkmonster doesn't even see it as Devlin's main sin was firing when a kid was present. Sonny is the worst. Claud apologizes for making Christmas worse for him. Sonny says the only gift he wants is to find out if the man who shot his son had an accomplice. claud holds back tears and says Devlin paid with his life. Sonny whispers, in what I believe is supposed to be a threatening way "it's not enough"

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Nurse's Station: Patrick finds Shawn Douglas and asks if he is going to be his best man. Shawn-D asks about Coleman,a nd Patrick says he'll understand. Shawn-D says he had plans with football and big screen and cheerleaders. Patrick says there are DVR's. Okay, dude, whathefuckever. A man may very well give up other women, but what kind of confirmed bachelor gives up bowl games for a dorky wedding with only 14 people attending? Seriously, have that nonsense after the 5th. Or did Patrick go to some lame school with a crappy football team? That must be it. oh, and GO GATERS, if you don't mind. Rip their lungs out, 'kay? Patrick sincerely says he wants Shawn-D there, and he agrees.

Emma's Closet: Anna and Robert watch Emma sleep, as you do when a baby is in the room. Robert tells her to quit look at him with a sappy face. Robin says they can't help being sappy since he was dying and now he's healthy. Anna says seeing him with Emma was a lovely moment. Robert asks Robin if she wants him here or not. She says of course she does, but she doesn't want him to risk his life over it. Robert promises he's in great shape, and his doctor's signed off on it. Robin says she'd rather take his word. Anna moans at how many times she's been there, done that. heh. then they stand and watch Emma fidget and coo. Robert says he sees a lot of Robin and Anna. Robin says she sees a lot of Patrick. Anna says she is the spitting image of Robin. Robin and Anna talk a bit about how Robert didn't even know Robin as a baby. Then they tease each other for being grandparents, while Robin beams at her two parents who were totally dead to the point she spoke to their ghosts when she was diagnosed with HIV, but who are now living and breathing, or at least, remarkably charming zombies. Regardless, it must feel nice to have them around.

Alleydocks: Sascha and Jason meet. Sascha recaps how many times Sam has been in her grasp. She also says Sam fell and now they get to have this nice little talk, and she sounds so much like Heidi Klum Seal saying "we are going to have a little chat" before the judging, that I get confused about what show I'm watching. Jason impatiently asks what her point is.

Christmas Fantasy: sarly sobs over a Super heart breaking memory that I can't imagine ever happened of Carly, Sonny, Chucky and Monty having a merry, cheerful, family moment, hanging stockings. In the present she looks at the bare mantel, paralized by whether or not you hang your son's stocking who lives at a Whole Foods. Is it more heart breaking to see it sitting there, or just to have Monty's? She holds her face in her hands. And yeah, dum dum, this is why I don't get why you chose the cretin who got your son shot over the man who wanted to move heaven and earth to keep your kids safe?

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Corinthaus: Carly calls Sonny and says she needs to see him in person. Claud asks where he's going, but he dismissively tells her not to wait up. I guess Sonny gave up on the whole "winning Claud over" bit?

Emma's Closet: Robin jokes that she went into labor in the first ceremony, so Robert could be here for the 2nd one. Robert asks what she needs for the wedding, but Robin says Maxie has it all under control. robert asks how Patrick is handling all this. Robin says he's the best, and emma likes him more than her (though she says it like she's kidding.) Patrick shows up, surprised to see Robert. Robert teases he couldn't stay away b/c he has to give the FIL/SIL chat. My dad and his brothers give The Real Man test to all the grooms in the family. None of the women ever know what it is. I have my guesses. I know you have to be really, really drunk to administer it!

Alleydocks: Sascha tells Jason that he's hurt The Danger, and they are wondering whether they can stay in this random town that can't possibly be all that lucrative for one mob syndicate, much less 8, and they are considering leaving town.

Sink Hole: Alexis appears to Sam and sternly tells her that she can't go to sleep, or she'll freeze to death. Sam mumbles that Alexis is just in her mind. Alexis says she's telling her what she already knows. "You can save yourself, but you have to get up and keep moving." Sam snuggles back against the rock.

Corinthaus: Claud goes back to listening to Jerry ramble endlessly about his stupid game and the stupid marriage. He goes on and on until even Claud yells "oh, get to the point, you psycho!" Also, was it St. Patrick's Day when Jerry recorded this? That's the only excuse for the ugly green jacket and the sickly green tint. Jerry gives a stupid clue about the window of her soul. So, apparently the GH writers moonlight as Survivor treemail writers? I hope they all start rhyming, and that Claud has to do a bunch of stupid puzzles!

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Emma's Closet: Anna and Robert leave to run an errand. I think it's so dumb when they don't give extra padding to a new mom on these shows. Or couldn't they at least dress Robin in something other than tight jeans a few weeks after she gives birth? Robin and Robert talk about the first day they met and how it was love at first sight. Robin asks how Robert really is, and at first seems to be asking doctorly questions, but then she asks him if he can walk her down the aisle.

Sink Hole: Alexis sternly but lovingly tells her she has to stay awake. Sam says now she knows she's dreaming b/c Alexis doesn't like being her mother. Alexis says maybe that's not true, and that's why Sam is imagining her. Sam weepily says she wants her mother to save her. Alexis regretfully says her mother can't save her, but Sam can save herself. Then she sternly repeats that Sam has to get up and start moving. Sam takes a deep breath and struggles to stand.

Alleydocks: Jason is on the phone and tells Bernie to send something now. Sascha checks her phone and is pleased with the results. Sascha says she's happy to leave this place and is glad that Jason will beat those sons of bitches (which, is quickly becoming my favorite curse word) Suddenly we hear a silencer shot, and Sascha is shot in the back. Jason catches her and desperately says he gave her what she wanted, so she has to tell him where Sam is. Well, jason, see, sometimes when people are shot they DIE. They don't always have art studio supplies at the ready.

Carly's House: Sonny shows up and asks what was so important. Monty shows up smilingly and wishes his dad a Merry Christmas. Sonny, for all his evil and cynicism and self-loathing, can't wipe the giant smile off his face.

The end