GH Recap 11/23: Cold Turkey Has Got Me On the Run

I heard the John Lennon song Cold Turkey the other day, and I really liked the arrangement. I think it's actually about heroin, but the chorus seemed fitting for the week in real life and for our dim witted heroines.

Previously on General Hospital:

Indians used to live on Spoon Island. Jactslikeanidiot kidnapped Nik's son and then Nik found out and didn't press charges but remained bitter and angry when Jax was around, and Jax didn't appreciate the 'tude, so he bought the island in the least realistic way imaginable and is now taunting the man whose child he once claimed was his own.

The Danger showed up in a Russian form and burned down a diner that is older than my earliest memories, but also Sonny's stupid coffee house, and so Lucky and Jason decided to protect their women and children by sending them to a desolate cabin that just happens to have running water and a cord of firewood and is perfectly stocked but not at all dusty, and they, of course, sent them with no guards or cops.

Jactslikeanidiot continues to taunt Nik about Disneyland:Spoon Island.

[collapse expanded text]Corinthaus: Claud scoffs at Sonny's lame proposal saying it's not enough, but then Olivia walks in, and I guess that is enough, so she tells Olivia to tell Kate that she and Sonny are getting married.

PCPD: Apprently someone clued in Mac that half the town was burned down last night, so he's summoned Jason to chastise him.

Hidden Cabin: Sam and her t-shirt contest shirt and Liz re-discover that they are on their own.

Credits.

Desolate Cabin: Liz scoops up her boys and heads for the bedroom. She masterfully has them all play fort, so it's not terrifying that they are hanging out in the dark. Sam puts a chair under the door knob, which will be so effictive for a door with a window, but whatever, it's something. She loads a gun and goes into the bedroom. She and Liz say they are going to play "look out the window" while the boys play Fort. Then she and Liz heave a mattress in front of the door. and try to develop the power of invisibility.

Cafe Interrogate: mac gravely tells Jason about all The Danger and how Maxie was involved. Jaosn insists he hates all of this too. Mac is so scary and angry. Why can't they write him as an actually potent police chief? Jason sits there in cuffs, rubbing his face. Mac says that no matter what they call it in Mob World, in Mac's world, they call it murder, and he's going to shut the mob down.

Wyndermere: Nik points out that his lawyers are dealing with the fake estate interests. Carly flops all about but rightly points out that Spoon Island is creepy and bad things happen here, so it's a hard sell as a resort. lol, I hadn't even added the annual murder (or semi-murder) that happens here. Nik says he'll get back the unicorn, or he'll tie this up for years in court. Jactlikeadouche says he's fine with that and claims it's not personal. Carly says no one starts building in upstate NY in winter. Jactslikeadweeb names it "Spoon Island Spa"

Jake's: Johnny gets drunk and Looloo promises to love him no matter what. Looloo-pie, no matter how hot the guy, if he drinks as much as Johnny? It never ends well. Not even taking the body count into consideration. Why is Loo dressed like a peacock vomited on her?

Corinthaus: Olivia asks Sonny what he wants her to tell Connie. He says he'll handle it. She says no one but her should say. She puts on a disappointed voice and says she's not surprised. She wishes he'd been honest about what power means to him. Olivia, he was. Kate chose to labotomize herself with that knitting needle she got from Vera Wang's warehouse. Olivia leaves angrily and Claud asks "which cousin are you really in love with? Kate or Olivia?" Oh, Claud, don't you know by now? Sonny is always in love with the woman he hasn't slept with either yet or most recently.

Commercials

Wyndermere: Jactslikealosah tells Nik that he can taunt him if he wants. 'scuse me? Nik is taunting whom? Nik pulls out a ruler and says they can settle this right now. Carly is a bit overheated and wondering if it's rude to suggest a threesome. Can someone PLEASE give Carly a brush? How big is spoon island? Jax says he's going to develop Spoon Island and leaves, but Niks says he's going to enjoy bringhing him down.

Kate's Beige House: Maxie is defending her choices to Kate. Kate snips that Clarice is the junior editor, but Maxie didn't give her a voice. Well, then it sounds to me like Clarice is a DEPLORABLE editor, if Maxie has the power to talk the printers into doing things her way and not Clarice's. Kate angrily snips "who would carry a clutch like this to a formal" showing Maxie a page from the magazine. Maxie respectfully says "everyone I know." Kate softens a bit, but then Olivia shows up asking Kate to give Maxie a break. Maxie leaves, and Kate can tell that Olivia is there to tell her about Claud and Sonny's marriage that will happen during sweeps in 1428.

Corinthaus: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, oh, sorry, nodded off.

Desolate Cabin: Cuteness in the fort continues. Aw, Jakeson is a little toe head. (tow head?) Liz asks the boys to promise to stay in the fort no matter what happens and that she'll stay with them as long as she can. Sam hears a noise and leaves. There is a loud clunking and Cameron cutely squeals 'what iz dat mommeeee?" Liz whispers she doesn't know, like it's a fun game, but her eyes bulge.

Commercials

Desolate Cabin: Liz coos at the kids to play for awhile and rushes out to check on Sam. Sam or Liz hollers out "it's part of the surpriiiiiise!" Liz and Sam leave. Jakeson tries to walk away, but Cameron breaks the needle off the cutometer and holds Jakeson back and says "nonononono!" Aw, Cam is a little crime fighter in training. Liz and Sam try to put their brains together and find a clue.

Cafe Interrogate: Diane shows up to deliver one of her castigations that I so adore. Jason says she knows he won't be connected to the warehouse killings. Diane sucks on her teeth and knows no such things. She sees Alexis (!) through the window and finds it promising. I guess she's hoping to trade shoes for murder charges?

Corinthaus: Claud says they should stop acting like strangers that met in a bar. She says she's never going to be a Madonna, but she doesn't want to be treated like a whoor. Sonny shrugs and agrees. I have no idea what they are talking about....other than an arranged marriage. He hands her a ice rink ring, and says he wanted to do it right. She says it's tradition to put it on her finger. I feel bad for how much fun I made of Marlena being possessed by the devil. That was Hepburn and Tracy compared to this rot. I mean, Nico and Cecily was Dostoevsky compared to this!

Commercials

Corinthaus: Sonny and Claud keep mumbling to each other. Why are they whispering? Sonny says they should leave the past behind, and this will be hard for both of them. claud stands and says he's survived worse than her. Sonny says the ring is a sign of respect and puts it on her finger.

Jake's: Olivia is getting loaded and Carly shows up and orders a beer. Olivia says when Coleman gets the chance, they are going to need more shots. Carly takes her shot and aks "what?" This scene just made up for the past 12. Olivia says "it's official: Sonny and Claud are engaged. Carly picks up a shot glass. Hey ABC, gals, you know the drill...DRINK!

Cafe Interogate: Diane and her delicious line delivery (I imagine if it were cake it would be cheesecake with a fancy topping of your magical choice. Like Turkish Delight. the topping becomes for the eater whatever they fancy as the most delicious thing ever.) She says it's an uphill battle and leaves.

PCPD Bullpen: Diane and Alexis meet to once again determine who the show should really be about. Alexis tells Diane to drop the case while she has a chance. Diane tightens her gun belt and says there is no chance. They squint at each other, totally turned on about facing each other in court.

Desolate Cabin: Sam gives Liz a gun and does her best to give her Gun School 101 through 11001. "Just remember it's him or you." Sam has a shot gun, or some reason. Sam says they have to hope The Danger doesn't know if they are armed or how many of them there are. Liz goes to check on the boys. I think she gives them crackers? Liz meets Sam in the living room and asks "I know we've had our differences, but will you please promise me tonight, no matter what happens, you will protect my boys." I wonder why they didn't bother to settle this before leaving for the desolate cabin....without guards or cops?

Commercials

Desolate Cabin: Liz says the boys are asleep, but they'll wake up if they hear shooting. Um, so shoot quietly? Sam says letting Liz's kid be kidnapped is the worst thing she's ever done, but she promises she'll lay down her life to protect them. Liz believes her and asks "but it's not going to come to that right." She starts to lose it and says Jason warned her about this and she didn't listen. Sam is freakishly cool as a cucumber and says that all that matters is keeping it together for now. She turns to Liz and says "you're strong enough to get through this" and gives her an encouraging eyebrow flourish. This is totally the hottest lesbian porn I've ever seen.

Crimson: kate complains that coffee is crappy. (Have you tried delicious McCafe?) Maxie offers to make another pot. What, no espresso maker? I'm so sure. Kate says that she knows Olivia didn't make a choice b/c the theme is diffused and the rest is off topic. the hell? since when is Olivia a fashionista? She's a total hottie, but total hotties can look as hot in Tarjet as Wang. Maxie asks Kate not to take it out on her that Sonny is the worst. Jax shows up, and Maxie leaves. Kate says she doesn't want to talk about it: She wants to celebrate not making the worst decision of her life. jax agrees.

jakes: Carly is not surprised. She says she has kids with Sonny, so she'll always be connected. She wishes she could say she didn't care, but she didn't. She doesn' tknow what to say, but then she eloquently and rightly says that she'll always be there when he needs her like a big fat sucker. Olivia says maybe she loses these other relationships as an excuse to go back to Sonny. Carly disagrees and says Jacstlikeadouche is the perfect man for her, and she's worried about his big, dorky, wrath.

Corinthaus: Y'all, i just can't. I love Sarah Joy Brown, but this is such a boring storyline for her. These two actors seem to be going out of their way to be boring just to finally break the Guza spell that they are destined to be teamed up. I sort of loved Carly and Sonny back during their hate-sex days. I hated what they did to everyone else, but I did see their chemistry. But that was a decade ago. Can we all move on now?

Commercials

Kate's Beige House: Kate pours champagne and drinks to "mistakes and the promise to do better next time" and then without clinking, she downs her glass. heh. I guess I've been there, so I won't mock. He refills her glass, and they drink to freedom. So, just one glass of champagne is all it takes to send these two into each other's arms. and they are entitled and more power to them but don't act all high and mighty when you have been damming up this much sexual tension. Yet, they are the better people because THEY KEPT IT DAMMED UP.

Jake's: Olivia drunkely asks if all things were equal, who would Carly pick: Sonny or Jax. She clarifies "not the one you think you should pick. the one you want." Carly easily answers Jax. she says for a long time she would have said Sonny, but he's not in her heart like Jax is. She's good at trashing what's good in her life. Olivia slurs "don't give up. These things have a way of working out." carly says it won't happen. Carly says "cards on the table" Olivia slams her beer and slaps her hands flat on the bar "right here" heh. I love Drunken Scenes. Carly asks how mcuh Sonny meant to her back in the day. Olivia insta-answers "a lot. A lot more than I let anybody know." carly uses her freakish Laura Wright eyes to at once communicate jealousy and empathy and asks thusly "how much does he matter to you now?" Olivia stares bleary eyed.

Corinthaus: Imagine the chemsistry between Olivia and Carlya nd then dillute it with the Pacific Ocean, and you are left with Claud and Sonny, sitting around drinking boringly. Claud toasts to a successful arrangement, and Sonny clinks. Claud asks if they will live in the fortress. He says he told the maid she can have any room she wants except his. She says she's kind of a slob, so that was smart. He mumbles that's not what concerns him. She downs her drink, and they sit in awkward silence. Sonny wants to get married tonight.

Cafe Interrogate: Alexis tells Jason that the Commish has all the evidence he needs to tie Jason to the warehouse slayings. She says she's finally going to do her job. Diane says Alexis can't hold him without evidence. Alexis hilariously says Jason is wearing the same clothes as the warehouse assailant. Diane mocks that this will sound silly to a judge. I don't see why she doesn't say this is what he wears everywhere. Alexis mocks that Jason is "the good mobster" and so they should let him off the hook. Alexis assures Diane she will find the evidence. So PCPD is Gitmo now, and you can just hold people with no charges or evidence?

Desolate Cabin: Liz says she's freaked out. Sam says that Liz knows what she's doing in the ER and eerily says she's scared, but she feels like she can see better and hear better. Liz remains full of panic and fear. Sam remains some weird combination of a Russ Meyers film and a bad Ray Liotta movie. It rules. Suddenly a blast comes through the window.

The end.