GH Recap 1/10: Isaiah Vs. Joel

Previously on GH:

The U.S. military forgot how to make weapons without using plows, or something like that, and Nadine inherited the only plow on earth, but she had always thought that the military should use harsh language instead of guns, so she refused to let the military use her plow, and for some reason Hallifiction didn't buy her plow outright in the first place because apparently in the Port Charlesiverse, Dick Cheney and his ilk are less bright than Lucky Spencer. So now Natasha and her best bud, let's call her Silda Holis, are going to work together to bring down Hallifiction along with Nik and Nadine because apparently Eisenhower was a big dummy, and all we ever needed to bring down the military-industrial complex was Gidget. See also, Russ Meyer's controversial film: Faster Gidget, Kill, Kill.

I believe this is our last Natalia-free Friday, so enjoy.

Alexis' Office: Diane and Alexis seem to be working together to dissuade Carly and Jax from divorcing. oh, brudder.

Haunted Star: Luke and Sonny meet to drink and mumble. Sonny says he's playing Untruth or Dare with Jason regarding shipping highly illegal pillow cushions into Jason's territory. Sonny says he plans on convincing Jason he doesn't want to mess with Sonny, and he plans on taking over Jason's territory pier by pier. Luke calls it a bloodless coup. Sonny laughs and says haughtily that he's already taken over the Z's. Luke seems to believe it's a good idea but points out that once Sonny has all the power, that's when the trouble starts. Also, since when is Superjase going to not notice Sonny taking over his territory?

Cafe Interrogate: Claud visits Johnny. He seems pretty depressed. She is doing that annoying thing whereby she is wearing a headband, but no hair is actually being held back by it. She wants to help him.

Casa de 3's a crowd: Maxie is dressed in a red robe, and Spinelli enjoys the after glow of their George and Izzy-like sexcapades. Lemme guess, Jesse's stupid ghost is going to come back soon, and she'll start sleeping with him? Also, I had to stop watching Grey's Anatomy when it became stupider than Passions. Maxie says this seals their relationship, and now Winnie won't be around.

Docks: Raynor congratulates Winnie on being a good little spy.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Spinelli realizes Maxie isn't that into him. She just was reacting to Winnie.

Credits

DC: Nik and Nadine are meeting with "The Government" to talk about how she wants to beat their swords into plowshares and such. This is stupider than the time a spider bit Emily, and Nik had to take her to a magical garden to save her.

Alexis' Office: Diane explains they are going to go over the financial records with a magnifying glass. She says they will need lots of patient. Jax says he thought this would be easy. Alexis barks it could be if he'd stop sitting around like a lump and shine the light on Carly's myriad failings as a wife. Carly sits their wounded and tearful. Was the limo ride over not that fun, Carlycakes? is that the problem.

Haunted Star: Claud says she knew Wheels would do something dastardly. She says his choices are do what Wheels wants or go to prison. Johnny says what he wants also matters. He's still angry that Claud had to marry Sonny. Claud asks how much of Johnny's bravado has to do with Looloo and showing that he's decent. SHe reminds him that Loo won't be his soul mate.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Spinelli broken heartedly says he knows Maxie slept with him b/c of Winnie. Her eyes and face grow red with tears and she asks why he's saying "you. What happened to fair Maximista?" She says she didn't do anything bad, she just wanted to remind him of their connection. He sadly says she never wanted him and made an advance she knew he couldn't turn down. He starts to leave, but she calls after him that she was trying to stop him from making a mistake. Maybe you should have tried telling him you were pregnant or hooking him on drugs, first, Maxie.

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Casa de 3's a Crowd: Spinelli starts to leave, but he angrily asks why he didn't understand her low opinion of him, that she doesn't think he can make his own decisions. Maxie tearfully says everyone knows he's brilliant about facts and figures, but when it comes to people, he is a bit child like, and Winnie is a good example. Spinelli asks her to explain. She puts on her tough maxie face, but she unabashedly answers that his male role model and hero is a career criminal. She says that people take advantage of him, and Winnie is the most recent example. He says that's very insulting and mean. She crosses her arms and bites back tears because even though she's a mess, she really does believe that Winnie is using him.

DC: I dunno. Something about going to meet with senators to ask Hallifiction to quit making weapons, or something equally stupid.

Alexis's Office: Alexis continues to bash Carly. Diane bitingly reminds Alexis that they had an agreement, which is clear that they had agreed to stall the divorce. Alexis has decided she can probably do that by insulting Carly. Which is fine with me. Alexis calls Carly a trainwreck, so Diane calls Jax a traitor, so Jax asks them to get back to the meeting, and Alexis asks where they were, and Carly utters "trainwreck" heh. Alexis apologizes, but she's set her trap and Carly walks right into it. She admits she's done all the things Alexis said, but all those admitted failings aside, she loves him.

Haunted Star: Luke reminds Sonny that the feds will be looking at Sonny, and so far he's kept them off balance. He suggests Sonny grow a new set of eyes in the back of his head. he wants Sonny to succeed because they are friends and because it helps Luke's business. Luke explains that Johnny has been framed by Wheels and wants to know if Sonny can help. Gee, one guess, and the first 8 million don't count.

Cafe Interrogate: Claud lets Johnny know that Jerry Probst left a trail of bags of puzzle pieces all over the Corinthaus tribe, and she has to make it through the maze and over the balance beam and win individual immunity, or she'll be snuffed at tribal council. Then she cries because Sarah Joy Brown has to contractually cry every 3rd scene. Johnny talks about looloo, and Claud's head nearly explodes that Johnny's life is on the line, and he's rambling about Looloo. On cue, Looloo waltzes in. I wish I could be arrested in Port Charles. I'd love to get to see this much of my friends and family all day long!

Commercials

Haunted Star: Luke continues to explain that Wheels framed Johnny, and Ric won't do anything, so he needs another option. Sonny asks why Luke is interested. Luke explains that Johnny gave him money to open the HS and is his business partner. He says that a friend of his just happens to be the head of the Z'organization, so maybe he can pull some strings. Sonny mumbles something.

Cafe Interrogate: Claud and Loo exhcange cattiness. Looloo says she supports Johnny, but she's wearing an off the shoulder outfit. Claud passionately, once again, tries to help her dolt of a brother. Looloo does this thing that makes me think of ice picks and skull caps and speaks in a grating voice and asks if Claud cares about Johnny b/c she needs something. Claud looks at her with tearful rage, and I remember why I love Sarah Brown.

Alexis' Office: Carly makes an impassioned plea for her marriage, but she doesn't really plea. She simply apologizes. and stupid Jax's face only ever needed an apology. Not fidelity, or to come ahead of her ex lovers. Just remorse. Idiot. She leaves and Jax considers forgiving her. Idiot, idiot.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Whatever point Maxie could have ever had will be lost and Spinelli emotionally cries that she initiated sex to keep him away from Winnie. Her eyes fill with tears and she says if he thinks she's that shallow, then she doesn't know him. How is this bizarre, asexual couple delivering the most passionate, heart breaking performances of that last 18 months?

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Haunted Star: Luke says he knows Wheels is kuckoo for cocoa puffs and it may cause problems for Sonny to get involved. (and also, he knows Sonny is a rat fink bastahd and calling him a loser like this will get his way) On cue, Sonny says he owes Johnny for putting him in Paddington last year, so he'll help.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Maxie venomously says that computer nerds are a dime a dozen, and she could have found anyone to help her. He says sadly that she lied about her feelings. She stands there, with her big, beautiful eyes full of tears, and she manages to disallow them to fall down her cheeks and issues a barrage of insults on him that Shakespeare would wince at. She says she pities him and thinks he's lame, but Georgie loved him, so she put up with him, but she's done with him and hopes he goes to Winnie. He allows this to wash over him and leaves. She runs to the door, slams it and weeps against it.

DC: dum dum dum dum dumdum dumdum dumdum

Alexis' Office: Diane is pleased about the outcome b/c they helped along the course of true love and also got a lot of billable hours. heh. Diane says it's great that both clients will go home happy. Alexis sadly says it would be great if Carly were capable of long term happiness. Eventually Sonny will crook his finger, and she'll trample all over Jax again. Alexis sadly asks what kind of friend she'd be if she facilitated this.

Metrocourt: Jax and Carly meet. Carly says Alexis is right about her, but she does love him. He says he knows. He says he instructed Alexis to make the divorce painless. Carly says divorce always hurts. (and she would know...am I right, people?)

Cafe Interrogate: Loo continues to invite an ice pick into her brain because she's acting like having a great father is an accomplishment to gloat over. forget all the times she treats Luke like dog poo, he's getting her stupid boyfriend out of jail, so she considers herself awesome. The guard shows up to say Johnny can go. Hilariously, he doesn't offer him his clothes or even unchain his legs. "take the floor with you" I guess is the subtext? Claud warns Loo that Luke better know what he's doing, and Loo smiles like a giant idiot b/c what does she care about comptence? Her boyfriends beats up cops and leaves them to die, and her brother is a cop, but she doesn't care about anything but Johnny's hotness. Don't get me wrong. I'd probably be an idiot about Johnny at 19 as well. Especially if I'd been 5 for 12 years.

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DC: Senator ViolinsInHisOffice says that the soldiers need good weapons. Nadine says she knows, but she doesn't want Hallifiction to make money, or something. SenatorViolinsinHisOffice says Hallifiction didn't start the war. Omg, I can't begin to tell you how much I loathe this story line. It's not even that it's dumb b/c I watched Marlena be possessed by the devil every day for months in college. It's that it's so halfassed.

Docks: Claud and her pleather coat rush to Sonny and says Johnny was just released from jail. Sonny plays it off, but Claud knows that Sonny was involved. She says Z'army isn't that into Sonny and Wheels will find out. Sonny says he owed Johnny. Instead of saying "yes, you do, you creep, you're almost even", Claud agrees that she now owes Sonny.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Maxie remembers getting the Most Awesome Mixed Tape ever in the form of the journal he made that traced the evolution of beauty since the dawn of time. In the present, she sits in the living room and sobs. Johnny and Loo stumble in, in a romantic clinch. Maxie sucks up her tears and says casually that she found what she was looking for regarding a poem Spinelli put in the book. Looloo actually manages to be Lulu for a minute and asks Maxie if she's okay. Maxie nods and shoves off the blankie and mumbles something about how she's fine b/c she's done it again, only this time it was to a true friend, and she rushes out the door while Johnny and Looloo look at each other in concern.

Commercials

It's just...show, if you want to make some sort of political blabber jabber about the military-industrial complex, then actually DO something. Don't cut and paste this tedious story line that makes no sense. So now suddenly Nik busts out a document for Nadine to sign that gives him control of the patent. A magical, non-notary requiring document. Nik announces that Hallifiction will thusly not be using the plow. They'll have to beat their thumtacks into swords, I suppose.

Split action: Jax and Carly's song plays. as they each go to their lawyers and ask for the longest divorce ever so they can have time to rebuild their marriage. Diane hilariously offers Carly a discount on her fee.

Haunted Star: Tracy is annoyed that she saw Luke cavorting with Sonny. Remind me again what Tracy loves about Luke? it's not the way he acts. it's not who he knows. they never have sex. why are they a couple? Luke charmingly warns her not to police his activities. FYI, this is the exact relationship Liz and Jason would have had if they had become a couple, so be glad for the pleasant moments you go.

Docks: Somehow Claud can tell that the ship in the distance is Sonny's ship, but it's heading towards Jason's pier. Claud says Jason won't stand for this and asks how he thinks Jason will react. On cue, their faces light up orange and we hear an explosion. You rat bastards better not have hurt the buoy bell! Sonny stares and then smiles with a bit of pride in his borg-like protege and says "well, probably like that." heh, I was wondering where Jason was this whole episode. You go, Superjase!

Other Docks: Maxie rushes about with a bouquet of flowers. She sees Spinelli and calls his name. At that moment, men in black show up to arrest Spinelli for treason and such. dun dun dunnnnnn.

the end

GH Recap 12/29: The Danger is Dead....Long Live The Danger

Wedding: Robin rambles endlessly for her vows. They are very sweet, but she's really just recapping their love affair. I would be so bored at a wedding where someone did this. If she mentions a couch, I'm outta here. She promises to love him more than she did yesterday and less than she will tomorrow, and for the rest of her life.

Corinthaus: Jason asks why they have to do this every time. Jason isn't changing his business for Sonny. Sonny says Wheels is not in charge. Jason says Sonny can't trust Wheels....or Trevor or Ric. The reason I love Sonny and Jason fighting is that they can't both be right if they are different sides. It cracks me up that Jason gets the default "always right" setting, and that Sonny is an idiot. The bad news is that we all know that obviously Sonny will one day learn that Wheels shot Kate (even though Jason figured it out 10 years before it happened), and then he'll be all glib and full of himself, when really he should be embarassed that it took so long.

Metrocourt: Carly and Jax puke about their relationship.

Wedding: Patrick has found the most profound experience of his life by loving robin and Emma, and he promises to give back to her all she's given him 10 times over. He promises to love her and Emma for as long s they both live. Robin smiles tearfully up at him.

Commercials

Corinthaus: Sonny says it's a....it's a....it's amaaaazing how much you've changed. Jason says Sonny gave him the organization, and thus it's his job to run it as he sees fit. Sonny says it's a...it's amaaaazing how you justify everything. Oh, dear, now I gotta bust out the pot and the kettle again. Sonny makes a phone call. (he dials like Spinelli types, by the way, so I'm sure some poor schlub in Australia is all "G'day, Mate!") Sonny tells someone to send a shipment to Pier 17. Piano Guy plays a maudlin tune with Violin Guy. Jason says "you would challenge me like that? Today of all days. Don't you even remember?"

Wedding: Priest asks for the rings, and Shawn Douglas decides that it's hilarious to make Patrick panic and pretend to have lost the rings. Har dee effing har, oh, whoops, did I just punch your lights out, Shawn? They exchange rings. As on all soap weddings, they somehow managed to memorize the vows that go with the rings and know exactly when to say them. Then they are officially married, and they kiss! Everyone claps! I guess her water didn't break for the delivery of Emma's twin. Maybe later. They walk down the aisle to start their life together. $50 says she's chastising him about something stupid within 4 hours.

Commercials

Metrocourt Reception: Anna gets a bit teary eyed in a happy way as she and Robert say they must have done something right in their lives. Maxie remains very much in need of a valium and complains that Jason couldn't cancel the crime wave for one day and come to the wedding, and that Liz isn't there either. Mac randomly knows that Liz went out of town with her kids. Robin and Patrick show up to applause.

Sam's Apartment: jax stops by to talk about Jerry.

Corinthaus: Sonny stuttermopes that he remembers Chucky. He says he doesn't need Jason to remind him of the guilt he carries every day of his life. Well, you need SOMEONE to remind you, ding dong. Jason mutters "this is me not giving an inch" or something like that, but he says out of respect for Chucky, he won't stop The Shipment today. He says if it happens again, he will be prepared to stop The Shipment and do what he needs to do. Jason pulls out of Sonny's back door. Ok. That was a bit much, sorry.

Metrocourt: Robin does that cute thing where she starts trying on the words "my husband" for the first time. Gawd, the reason for honeymoons is so the poor friends and family of the newlyweds don't have to watch them relish saying "Husband, would you hand me my shoes?" "Why, yes, wife, I'd be happy to." Robin and Patrick share their first dance. There doesn't seem to be music playing, though.

Commercials

Wedding Reception: Robin and Patrick end their dance to what sounds like the most dreadful pop song ever. Was Rie Sinclair on strike or something? Robin and Anna dance while Robert and Robin dance. Anna tells Patrick she's glad he found her daughter. Patrick promises to be good to her. Maxie fidgets a bit because Maxie apparently has a crack addiction today. Shawn Douglas asks her to dance. Shawn D asks about Spinelli, and she says he's her friend. He says Spin is kind of weird, and Maxie says if he's going to put Spinelli down, she's done dancing. Shawn doesn't apologize but he changes the subject. Spinelli, meanwhile, watches in great pain from the bar. Robin and Robert dance, and he gives her advice. he says that making a family requires a constant presence, so don't make the mistakes he and Anna made. Robin says she doesn't blame them, and she's responsible for her own happiness. She tells him that he and Anna are officially off the hook, and they did a good job. Robert makes a cute "yay" noise and smiles gigantically at her.

Sam's Apartment: Sam is whispering something to Jax. I think it's about the drugs and the seductispying and such. Jax can't help but to believe Jerry managed to pull it off and make it look like he died. Sam sympathetically says she really doesn't think so because of where Jerry was when the boat exploded. Will someone wipe the ketchup off of Kelly Monaco's face, please? Jax says he's sorry for everything Sam went through. She insists she put herself in danger and chose the path. Jax says he's sorry just the same. Sam tells Jax that, for what it's worth, Jerry only ever spoke of Jax with love. He thanks her and leaves.

Wedding Reception: Robert watches Anna and Luke dance. Robin sits with Mac and says she hopes he didn't feel upstaged with Robert walking her down the aisle. He kindly laughs and says he feels nothing but happiness and sees nothing but all the milestones he got to be a part of in her life, and he's grateful he got to live through it all with her. sniff. She says she loves him so much, and then she cuts in on Patrick and Maxie dancing. Again with the "Hello, Husband." "Hello, Wife" She says she doesn't think she'll ever get used to it. I have to admit, I still get giggly about it, so she may be right. Robert wants to make a speech.

Commercials

Wedding Reception: Robert and Anna make loving toasts to the marriage.

Corinthaus: Sonny sits around moping.

Wedding Reception: Edward begs Luke to win Tracy back, so she'll quit making them all miserable. he says get something diamond-y and make them all believe it.

Robin and Patrick start to cut the cake, and Robert and Anna remember back to wee, adorable Robin and telling her she's a love child. The hell? Why would they say that to her. Also, Anna's hair is eighties-rific. No, it's eighties in TEXAS-rific. Robin has a squeaky little voice and tells them to just assure her they love her forever. Mr. Mad groans that it's sooo awful. Robert and Anna promise, and Robin says she fowgives them and tells them not to evew do that again. They giggle. Robert asks Anna in the present if she remembers the night they told Robin she was their daughter. Anna says "oh my God, I was just thinking that." Mr. Mad giggles and asks "what does that even mean, the night we told you you were our daughter?" I tell him it's a long story. Robin and Patrick eat cake.

Commercials

Whole Foods: Sonny has stopped by to see Chucky on his birthday, and Carly allows it. Oh, it's actually Dylan Cash. Carly sits and holds Chucky's hand and remembers once buying him every toy she could find, but Sonny trumped her by buying an ATV. She says he loves Sonny so much, and it's well deserved. Oh, I'm so totally over these idiots commending each other on being good parents WHEN THEY ARE IN A WHOLE FOODS to visit their kid. They both cry and Sonny says he's just so sorry. She says he doesn't have to keep saying that. I agree. But he COULD quit killing people and doing stuff that makes other people want to kill him and his loved ones. Carly idiotically says they make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes blow back on the people we care about, and there is nothing we can do. That is insane, that line of thinking. Or, it's at the very least the way an addict thinks. They sit around and forgive each other and themselves and then walk out the door to immediately wreak more havoc and violence. Shut up, Sonny's tears. gawd.

Sam's Apartment: Jason shows up b/c Sam beckoned him. She says Agent Raynor is still investigating the case, but she thought it was closed. Jason says that Raynor offered him immunity for rolling over on Sonny, but he turned him down. Sam says of course he did. She says that Raynor was asking about Spinelli. This bothers Jason, and he says as much. Mr. Mad does a good Jason impression and growls "It bothers me too."

Wedding Reception: Oh, dears. Spinelli fantasizes to dancing with Maxie while singing that song about loving the way you hold your knife, which is the most oddly romantic line I can think off, honestly. To love someone so much that the way they cut their food makes you feel wiggly? That's good stuff! They dance adorably. Bradford Anderson's voice is very nice, but it's a bit pageanty. I am surprised Mr. Mad is just letting this slide, until I realize he hasn't looked up. When he does, he guffaws and says "Oh, I appreciate this so much more now that I realize it's that weird little dude." Maxie jolts Spinelli out of his fantasy.

The End

GH Recap: 12/9: Free Will(ie)

Crimson: Mac continues to tell Spinelli to stay away from Maxie. She insists her life is better with Spinny in it. Mac says she won't have a life if Spinelli is around. Spinelli says he won't leave Maxie's side. Then we go to more promos for the day for some reason, so I don't know what just happened.

Corinthaus: Sonny angrily asks what happened to Olivia, who is bleeding all over his sofa.

Spencer Home: Liz reunites with Jakeson. Lucky brings Cameron out, and Cam cutely greets his baby brother, who so clearly has a different father, it's not even funny at this point. Jason watches his family that he can't have because he prefers killing people and acts all anguished about his free will.

Credits

Spencer Home: Lucky asks who wants popcorn. Cameron pipes up "meeee! Yayyyy!" Lucky brings the boys in so that Liz can tell Jason that her heart is so full of gratitude. Jason softly says Liz should thank Sam.

Crimson: Mac forbids Maxie from seeing Spinelli while she's living under his roof. If she can't abide, she has to find her own place to live, and he's cutting her off, meaning she can't take the car. Well, how old is Maxie by now? Isn't it more than past time she be on her own regardless? Spinelli tries to intervene. Maxie says she isn't turning her back on Spinelli, so if she has to live on her own and take public transportation, so be it. Mac says he's not backing down, but clearly neither is Maxie. Mac can only snottily say "proud of yourself?" to Spinelli and leave. Maxie says it's time to move out anyway, so she can't give in to Mac's blackmail.

Metrocourt: Carly and Jax are all gross and breathy and flirty. I've seen this particular scene 18 times now. I don't believe that's an exageration.

Corinthaus: Olivia explains about meeting a blond Russian woman. Claud mocks Patrick that his first instinct was to bring a stabbed woman here instead of a hospital. Sonny asks why Olivia didn't go to a hospital and she says "my son." She manages not to say "don't tell Sonny he's the father", though, and we've learned how impossible that is for her to avoid saying every chance she gets.

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Corinthaus: Olivia explains her son will flip if she goes into the hospital again. Does he check the hospital rolls every single day, or something? Why would he know if she was in the hospital? She's going to be lying to him by not saying she was stabbed, anyway, and it will be super lame when she gets a staph infection from using strings from a tennis racket to sew her up. She doesn't want Kate to know either. (Claud had suggested Max and Milo carry her over to Kate's and drop her off.) Sonny agrees to let her be carried upstairs.

metrocourt: Jax and Carly talk.

Mac's House: Robin visits and defends Spinelli, that he's a good friend and would take a bullet for her. Mac says that this is his point: hanging around Spinelli means Maxie might actually be in the line of fire for a bullet.

Crimson: Maxie is proud of Spinelli for standing up to Mac. He thanks her, but thinks Mac had good points. He's worried about blow back from his mobster ties. Maxie has had the mobsterlabotomy that broads get on this show and has a big, cheery blind spot when it comes to The Danger. She just knows that she's a better person for knowing Spinelli, and having him in her life is non-negotiable. Spinelli says he's impressed with her passion. She says she can only say this once: he's funny and wonderful and smart, and having the choice between one hour with him and happily ever after with someone else, she picks him. Maxie thinks Mac is a mess b/c he misses Georgie, and she's a career woman now and should have her own place. Spinelli offers her Stone Cold's house as a temporary place. She doesn't think that's smart, and assumes Jason and Sam are going to "bang like bunnies" after their adrenaline rush.

Spencer Home: Sam humbly says Jason did all the work, and she was just there to resist. Liz stares at Jason and says she's forever indebted to Sam. Sam is surprised and says Liz doesn't owe her anything. Liz goes back to staring at Jason and tells Sam she's sure Lucky will want to thank her himself. Liz goes inside, and Sam asks Jason if he's alright. He has sad, brimming eyes. Lucky rushes out to embrace Sam and say he's glad she's safe.

Commercials

Mac's House: Maxie shows up in a fur coat. I hope that is faux! She angrily tells Mac and Robin not to gang up on her. Mac gently tries to make amends and says she's welcome here. She says she appreciates his concerns, but her moving out isn't about Spinelli. She thinks it's time she stand on her own.

metrocourt: carly and jax. Jax has just now figured out that he can't have a life with Carly. He accepts his own blame in the relationship. She cries that she didn't want their life to be about blame and regret. Well, then maybe not so much with the cheating on him ever few months and picking your exes over him over and over again.

Spencer Home: Lucky asks if they thought about calling the police. Sam says the considered it, but Jason thought it would put Jakeson in the middle of a stand off, so they just went for it. Lucky is kind of a jerk about it, but Sam stiffens and points out that Jakeson is home. Lucky relents and agrees this is the point, but he and Sam clearly are going to have to pout and be defensive about this respectively. Lucky goes back inside.

Corinthaus: Sonny and patrick have a drink and talk about fatherhood and Robin. Patrick says he's getting the hang of it and Robin will adjust. Patrick finishes his drink and asks if these are Sonny's only questions. I always love a character who openly can't stand Sonny and puts on a facade of politeness. Sonny asks if Patrick thinks he should call Olivia's son and tell him about her injury. Patrick tries not to gulp to noticeably.

Commercials

metrocourt: Jax asks what the definition of insanity. (the answer is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results), but Carly says something about two people who love each other but are getting a divorce. No, Carly, that's the answer for the question: Who are my least favorite characters on the show at this point and what are they doing? Jax gives Carly his ring as she sobs in protest.

Corinthaus: Patrick says it's not up to him how he deals with Olivia's family. Sonny says he knows, but then basically goes on to indicate that he doesn't know. He rambles on that Olivia was like a cat? the hell? Is that a euphemism for her lady parts? Sonny needs to know if Olivia is really okay. Patrick says Olivia is fine, and there's no medical need to alert her family. He says it should be up to Olivia when she tells her family. Sonny again says he knows, but who knows what he thinks he heard Patrick say "Sonny, you are the wisest and sexiest mobster ever, so the world awaits your kingdom" or something along those lines is my guess. SOnny sends his well wishes to Robin. Claud shows up to add "and tell her we are married and accepting gifts" heh. That is mightily obnoxious.

Mac's Home: The least realistic thing I've ever seen is that Maxie is already packed. Also, why is she moving out in the middle of the night? No matter how career-wise or independent you are, you can't rent a new place at midnight. Maxie thanks Mac for his wisdom and support and for giving them a place to call home. Robin sweetly agrees. Mac tells Maxie to go out there and reclaim her life and that fashion career, and go and be the best she can be "I now you will. You'll dazzle the world." aw. Maxie says she has to leave before she cries, and she hugs him, promising to tell him where she's staying. She hugs Robin and leaves. Mac says he can't imagine how quiet this house is going to be. Robin says it's hard, but for the best. Mac teases that Emma is just a baby, but he can't wait to hear the song she sings when Emma is grown and leaving, hitching her star to a junior mobster. Robin laughs and blanches and says "ack, thanks for that picture." But it is true. When Emma and Jakeson fall in love in 12 years (when they are 22) , it is going to be hard on Robin!

Mob Mobile: Jason drives Sam home. She says she hurt her hip when she jumped from the window. Sam waxes philosophic. It must be all those law classes she's taking. She's glad to be alive and that Jakeson is safe. She worriedly asks Jason if he thinks Jakeson was okay. She pictures him in her mind and then reassures herself with a laugh that he was calm and steady, and says he was like Jason. Jason's big blue eyes are bright red from almost crying, and he forlornly laments that he doesn't want Jakeson to be like him, "I hope he doesn't even remember me."

Commercials

Mac's House: Mac puts on his coat to go off to work and distract himself. Does this mean he'll actually be competent? Patrick shows up at this point. Patrick and Robin talk about their busy nights, and how Patrick had to save Olivia. Robin teases that there must have been a reward involved. Patrick says he doesn't even see other women anymore. I wonder if it's like how color is for Stephen Colbert. Patrick just sees a human form, but has no idea what the gender is, unless it's Robin?

Corinthaus: Claud angrily flips through a magazine. I think it's called "SMARM" magazine. That is kind of awesome that someone went to the trouble to make a fake magazine called Smarm. Claud and Sonny bicker about a woman being in the house. Sonny insists Olivia is not into him. Sonny says he's only in love with Kate.

Mob Mobile: Sam asks Jason about telling Liz and Lucky that she saved Jakeson. She says Jason isn't giving himself enough credit, and she lists all he did. He angrily interrupts to say he's also the one who set off the explosion, and this was not the first time he put Jakeson in danger. He swears it will be the last. oops, I hope you aren't swearing on the inconstant moon, or anything Jason, because it monthly changes its circled orb.

Commercials

Carly's House: Or, is this a room at Metrocourt? because it's not all blue and chocolate colored. Maybe this is her bedroom. She holds a picture of Chucky riding a bike and cries that she misses him so much. She knew no man would like being second to Sonny. She then says there is just a small place that belongs to Sonny. She thinks she's either finally growing up or a complete fool. I can't follow what's going on her her bizarre Sonny addiction and her need for other men to like it, when she herself can't bear for another man to have so much as a conversation with another woman. Shut up, Carly's nonsense. Just go set some files on fire or cheat on someone. I don't need self reflection from a crazy person.

Corinthaus: Olivia comes downstairs and Sonny says whoever did this will pay. Claud hilariously yells 'oh come ON' and tells Sonny that he shouldn't invite more trouble just b/c Olivia eavesdropped. She starts yelling about The Danger and Mr. Mad chuckles from his office and says he loves that there are "Russians" involved in this soap. Olivia tells Claud something that makes Olivia smirk and puts Claud in her place.

Spencer Home: Lucky reads a story to the boys, while all of them sit in a big pile as warm and loving as the puppy pile.

Sam's Apartment Building: Jason thanks Sam again. She says she owed him and Liz. He says that's done now. They wait for Rie Sinclair to start singing their song, but she doesn't, so Sam says goodnight and goes inside. Jason gets back in the Mob Mobile and tries to figure out where to go now that won't hurt his kid.

The end.

GH Recap 12/4: Tim Gunn would not be able to make that work

I need to edit a joke I made poorly yesterday when Jason and Sam were in the mine shaft. I said "and then the shaft goes down, which must be a nice change of pace for it", but what I realize the actual joke was: and then the shaft goes down on Sam, which must be a nice change of pace for her. Sorry about that. It won't happen again.

Emma's Closet: Robin whines that sometimes babies cry, especially babies that make the mother openly sigh with hatred when she cries. Patrick thinks maybe Robin could go back to work. Robin also whines at this. Patrick scoops up Emma and runs off to find a nice, non-whining woman. Or not really, he just smiles.

Dogpatch: Oh, Look, it's time to learn more about Nik and Nadine's Hilarious Misadventures in Dogpatch, or what I like to call "Time to Watch the Puppies!" I would like to recap the rest of this horrible storyline all at once. This isn't based on spoilers, just my assumptions: Nik and Nadine get married for very stupid reasons, with hilarious results. Nadine learns that Nik never actually wanted to marry her, just as he realizes that he actually is in love with her, but she stupidly pretends not to be in love with him so that he is free to be with Carly (who Nadine thinks Nik is in love with). Then hopefully a herd of elephants kills them. (because Jax turned Spoon Island into an elephant farm. duh.)

Metrocourt: McFarty and Carly talk about a fancy party Kate wants to throw. Jax angrily walks up to tell McFarty that Carly gets no gossip about Crimson from now on. Carly explains to Mcfarty that it's going to be a bitter divorce.

Corinthaus: Sonny meets with Max and Milo. Claud shows up dressed like some sort of storm trooping kick boxer. Honestly, y'all, what is she wearing? Weird, tiny boxing gloves and a skin tight cat suit. Did I miss Project Runway's "Create a Comic Book Look for a Soap Opera Character" challenge last season? Claud angrily asks why Sonny started the meeting without her.

Credits

Emma's Closet: I'm all about a really well done post-partum depression storyline. (see also: Lauren on Young and the Restless), but that doesn't seem to be what this is. Robin has spent a few days with her daughter and is ready to give up.

Dogpatch: Nik's pants are very shiny.

Metrocourt: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen toots cheerfully in the lobby while Jax and Carly fight in front of a very uncomfortable McFarty. Kate shows up to sassy Carly a bit. They snot at each other about being prostitutes and such. Kate insists that Carly got her money from marrying rich dudes, while Kate earned her money. Kate and Jax happily go off to plan the Crimson Cocktail Party, while Carly her the Curls stew.

Corinthaus: Sonny dismisses Max and Milo. Claud tries the seductive tact with Sonny.

Commercials

I have been fighting a cold for a few days, so I've finally broken down and taken some Nyquil. This may end up being either a short recap or a bit of a confusing one.

Nurse's Station: Robin shows up looking for charts and messages. Wouldn't she be on some sort of official leave and thus not have any patients? What if she didn't suck as a mother and didn't come to work? Would her patients have all just died? Piph and Layla are surprised to see her, and Robin, is of course, her usual gracious self, and by that mean she's perfectly bitchy for no reason whatsoever. Robin trots off to be hateful and mean somewhere else, while Matt watches in concern.

Tiki Torture: Luke and Tracy play cards and fight about their relationship.

Crimson: Maxie comes back to work, and for some reason security doesn't escort her the heck out of the offices. Xylophone Guy must have wished Devil Wears Prada ended with Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt taking over Runway, because he happily plinks along as Maxie and Loo get seamlessly back to work and are happy about it. Since Looloo was never competent at this job before she disappeared for 4 months, I have no idea why she's suddenly capable now. Whatever. Hopefully Maxie steals her boyfriend soon by convincing everyone that Looloo is carrying Milo's child.

Commercials

Petticoat Dogpatch: screach screach whine whine (face face furrowed brow) what what what (it's okay) forgot to tell Raylene we aren't getting married WHOOPS! (face face confused)

Tiki Torture: Luke is mad b/c Tracy tricked him into embracing life, and now she doesn't want him b/c he's not dying. Tracy says she doesn't like her men to be invalids. She says as much as he hurt her, she admires who he is. Oh, they are about 7 sheets to the wind. Luke says he loves her and wants to stay her husband. Tracy tearfully says that's all well and good today, but what if Lllllaaauuuurrrraaa waltzes back into his life?

Crimson: Kate graciously welcomes Looloo back to work. Kate tells Loo that Claud if throwing a fit about the Crimson party, and she needs to know where Looloo's loyalties lie.

Metrocourt: Carly and Olivia hang out. Olivia hilariously says that Carly is not a silicon bimbo who's had everything handed to her. The silicon issue is clearly true, but she's been handed plenty. And apparently Olivia has too since she can afford to pay for a Brooklyn apartment while not working for months on end. The Brooklynites I know work 60 hours a week or have a roommate in order to pay for their apartments.

Corinthaus: blah blah. Sascha shows up to talk about the future. Violins play ominously so that we know we are supposed to take Sonny seriously when he tells her that he's in charge now, and that this will of course be shorthand to her that she's in a great deal of peril because Sonny is so powerful and awesome. Sonny should tip that chamber orchestra he carries around with him at all times to make him seem scary.

Commercials

Corinthaus: The Violins are working on Sascha b/c she begins to act afraid and says she's just the messenger....just the lawyer. She's not the Decider. She starts to back out of the room, but Max stops her. she says a child has been kidnapped. Sonny raises his fist (in the least menacing way a fist can be raised.) but Sascha stammers that if anything happens to her, there may be retaliation on the kid. Sonny blathers that he's tuff stuff and lets Sascha go. Claud lies that this is impressive. Or maybe Claud really does think it's impressive and is the sort of person who will watch Barbara Walters interview Tom Cruise and Will Smith and ask them what it's like to be so awesome and will think "that IS fascinating!"

Emma's Closet: Matt shows up with toys and gifts for Emma. In a very hijinksy move, Patrick gives Matt a Nascar toy and asks him to play with it with Emma. It's kind of cute.

Nurse's Station: Lainey's been dipping into the extensions bucket apparently. She notices Robin being aggravated at work. She also suggests that putting her feet up and drinking hot chocolate will cure her PPD. Lainey is a scientologist, it seems.

Dogpatch: Nik meets Aunt Raylene, played by Mary Gross. She played Alfalfa on SNL when Buckwheat was shot (in a parody of the Reagan shooting). Alfalfa asks Nik to be honest with her about Nadine. Which is an incredibly weird thing to do. Why is she automatically assuming Nik and Nadine aren't getting married? Does she know her niece is a complete whack job?

Commercials

Tiki Torture: I don't understand this bar. Why are there no employees? Why can Luke and Tracy drink the entire contents of the bar? They play the game where you hide something under one of three cups and move the cups around and guess where the thingy is. Meanwhile Luke says he will always care for Laura b/c they have kids, and she knows he's complicated, and she likes that. Tracy half sobs "it's always fancy dancing, and I can't believe a word of it." heh, that was a particularly drunken thing to say, even though it also made sense.

Dogpatch: Alfalfa and Nik discuss Nadine's feelings. Alfalfa says you can't predict the future and asks Nik to be kind to Nadine b/c apparently she's one bad dumping away from pulling an Ophelia.

Emma's Closet: Robin comes home and hears Matt and Patrick racing on the video games. ( I realize saying "video game" may sound to some like "listening to the victrola", but I don't know the various gamins systems. I tried bowling on the Wii system once after many glasses of champagne and found the whole thing to be out of my skill set) Matt leaves, and Robin sits with her family. Patrick gently tells her that they will get through this together, and she cries sweetly.

Corinthaus Terrace: Claud and John meet outside. Claud informs him that the Russians are about to make a move. Johnny is worried about Claud. I think they are talking about Chucky's shooting. John points out that it will be easy to kill Claud b/c he can always blame the Russians. Claud asks Johnny what he's going to do.

Commercials

Petticoat Junction: Nadine tells Nik the story of Raylene's love life. It sounds quite a bit like Jane Eyre, if Bertha hadn't died. Anyhoo, as I said at the beginning of the recap: Nik and Nadine are going to marry.

Crimson: Kate gives Maxie pages of notes. Olivia watches and tells Kate to take a break. Kate drags Olivia into her office and angrily tells her not to refer to her as Connie in the office again. Olivia agrees but thinks Kate is trying to prove something to Carly. Gee, maybe she has a huge business to run that employs hundreds of people? the hell? Just because your job in Brooklyn only requires you to work 40 hours a year, Olivia, doesn't mean that most people don't have to put in many more than that. Kate says that Carly set out to keep Kate and Sonny apart, and succeeded (the hell? Sonny had nothing to do with that?) Kate wants to show up at the party on Jax's arm and rub it in to Carly. Classy.

Metrocourt: We never did get Looloo's answer about her loyalties, but we next see her buddying up to Carly, but she says she promised Kate she could be professional and thus can't gossip bout Crimson. Carly quickly agrees and says she just wants to know what Kate is wearing to the party. Poor Looloo is probably too fashion stupid to know that Kate wouldn't want Carly to know this. Jax shows up to tell Carly "nice try" b/c this is one of those moments where standing 10 feet away from a conversation means you CAN hear every word and nuance. (as opposed to all the times Olivia has shouted "Dante is Sonny's son" and Sonny was 10 feet away and could NOT hear any of it.

Corinthaus: something about The Danger. I think Sonny tells Claud that Jakeson was kidnapped. He says he can't move on the Russians now. Claud quickly agrees and says if anyhing happens to the kid, he'll never forgive himself. For some bizarre reason Sonny says it sounds like Claud is talking from experience. Well, Sonny, since you just said Jakeson is the son of Jason's sometimes girlfriend, and Liz is also someone who is your friend, and we are talking about a BABY even if you don't know the baby, wouldn't you OBVIOUSLY feel bad if you did anything that caused injury to the baby? His intincts baffle me.


The End

GH Recap 12/1: Jake Leg

I hope everyone had a safe and happy Thanksgiving.

Kate's Beige House: Jax and Kate make love on the floor in front of the fire, as you do. Carly walks in with a gun in her hand and lets tears fall. But then she only dumps the bucket of ice for the champagne on them and asks if they are even now.

ZHouse: The Marriage continues.

Desolate Cabin: Sam hops in Jason's car and says that Liz and Cam are safe, and it's only been 2 minutes since The Danger left. Jason drives off, and Liz walks out of the house, clutching Cam. She waves a towel at Jason and sobs "Dammit Jason, you go find my baybeeee!"

Credits

Z'House: Preacher Man pronounces Sonny and Claud married and then stammers that it's traditional to kiss the bride. Sonny pulls Claud into a violent embrace and kisses her. So ridiculous.

Kate's Beige House: Jax puts his pants on while Carly yells at him. She says she slept with Sonny b/c she was really, super sad, but Jax is just mean. She says she never set out to hurt him. Jax says he never did either. Kate growls that Carly basically shoved Jax into her arms.

Roadside: Johnny and Looloo have stopped driving and are standing around in the freezing upstate New York night and trying to figure out where to go next. They figure their choices are south or west because north is cold and east becomes water after awhile. Loo says her family was on the run for years before she was born, and they went to so many places. She thinks it's her turn to be a real Spencer and be on the road with the man she loves.

Mob Mobile: Sam stares at her phone, willing it to get reception. She finally gets some and reports a kid was kidnapped, and there is still a woman with a young child. Jason listens panic stricken and winces when Sam mentions he was wearing a onesie. She loses reception before they can say anything. Sam says he missed the car by two minutues. He slams his fist into the dashboard and laments that he had no idea his son was in the car he passed.

Desolate Cabin: Liz cradles Cam and cries in his ear that it's okay, and Jason and Sam are going to bring his brother back. She sobs that she should have never brought him here, and he was so brave. She promises she'll never let anything like this happen again. Suddenly there comes a pounding on the door. the door with no latch or windows. What a polite intruder...or idiot.

Commercials

Desolate Cabin: Liz asks Cam to hide, and he smiles really big. Maybe he somehow inherited some stupid from Lucky. Speaking of whom, it's Lucky at the door. Liz tells him The Danger took Jake.

We cut back and forth from Liz and Sam explaining to Lucky and Jason respectively about how Sam went to get firewood and saw Stolichnaya. Sam explains they realized the phone lines were cut. Liz says Sam shot one with a shotgun, and it was so loud. Sam explains that she was out of bullets, so she tried to create a diversion, and a bad guy came in, and she was in serious trouble, so Liz shot him. Liz laments, babe in arms, that she killed a man, and her son is gone. Honestly, how do you say that while holding a kindergartner? Sam asks if he thinks Jason knew Jakeson was her. Jason says he doesn't know. Sam incredulously says "Jason, it was a trap, and your son was the bait."

Z'House: Wedding Reception. How do you get a nice wedding cake in the middle of the night? I mean, even if you have all the money in the world, it still takes time to bake the cake and roll the fondant and cover it just right. Sonny and Claud cut the cake. Or, more accurately, they mangle it. and they mangled the top that you are supposed to freeze and save for the first anniversary. Man, they are going to be so embarassed when they realize that a year from now! Wheels makes a toast to peace and prosperity to them all. Then he announces "wedding's over. claud, make yourself scarce, we have business." Sonnny puts his arm around Claud and says she's not going anywhere.

Kate's Beige House: Jax and Carly yell at each other about their boinking tally. Kate yells at Jax and tells him not to engage, just let her tucker herself out and leave. Carly scoffs that they will regret this. She says she's been holding onto the marriage, but she's over that now. Then she vows to destroy Connie. She leaves in a puffy-haired huff. Kate gulps. The air, not the champagne.

Roadside: Loo and Johnny hop into the tiny backseat for some very awkward Penthouse Forum type of fumbling sex. But a cop yells out for them to get out of the car. Loo says they were just looking at the stars, and then condescendingly points at the sky to show the cop what stars are. The cop is understandably not amused and says he'll charge them with sucking the life out of the show...er...lewd behavior. Looloo again scoffs openly at a cop and says he should arrest a bank robber or a drug dealer. Copper decides that he'll just arrest Johnny. For some reason, Looloo finds this surprising. Looloo hasn't met too many cops has she?

Haunted Star: Nik finds Luke, and they share a drink, and Nik informs Luke about his conversation with Laura. Things are going well for her. Luke hopes she's enjoying her independence. Nik asks if he is. Luke says he always enjoys his independence, but he does miss his wife. Nik wisely asks "which one?" and Luke hides his answer in the bottom of this glass.

Commercials

Z'House: Sonny says he will do business at Corinthaus and not here. Sonny orders Ric to hotly call a meeting with the Lieutenants. Wheels says that the meetings need to be here and sooffs that he's supposed to trust Sonny. Claud purrs that he is b/c that's why he made Sonny marry Claud. Sonny and Claud leave arm in arm. Ric hotly laughs and says to Wheels "well, ya wanted better or worse. Ya got it!" Then he hotly puts his hands in his pockets and saunters off to be hot elsewhere. Wheels and Trevor don't like this turn of events.

Haunted Star: Luke and Nik have a nice conversation about thinking you've found The One, only to lose her and then be suprised when you find The Other One. Nik says he never sees his life lessons coming, they just smack him upside the head. Nik asks how Luke could let Laura go to Paris without him when he loved her so much. Luke solemnly says he's married to Tracy now, and he can't just dump her whenever Laura is out of Catatonia. Luke laments that Tracy overheard him tell Loo that he would have gone with Laura to paris if she'd asked. he says he just meant to get Laura settled, but he knows Tracy won't buy that. He bitterly laughs that Tracy will never trust him again. and then he drinks.

Roadside: Copper asks for ID, which seems like a weird thing to do after someone is already in cuffs. I've watched enough Cops to know that is atypical. Copper stutters when he realizes Johnny is a Z. He uncuffs Johnny and apologizes. Johnny is annoyed that he's being given special treatment and starts acting out to the cop. he says if he can park in an unsafe place, then he can do anything right? and he shoves the cop. Match made in heaven, John and Loo!

Z'House: Ric hotly comes back and hotly licks at the cake. Wheels demands that Ric still has to report to him. ric asks why Wheels is so upset, because his plan is going as he wanted it to. Wheels chastises that it would be a mistake for Ric to hotly work with Sonny against him. Ric says Sonny hasn't been his brother for a very long time. "He made his choice, now I'm making mine." Then he leaves again. Also? I think Sonny and Claud had a red velvet cake.

Mob Mobile: Sam warns that she believes this is a trap. Jason interrupts her and won't listen. Sam starts to apologize for letting Jakeson be kidnapped, but he again snaps at her and tells her not to go there now. Sam quietly says she really has to say this b/c she's been realizing how horrible she was. She says Liz was amazing for her kids tonight. Jason stares ahead with watery, worried eyes. She senses she's bothering him, so she puts her head down, but she can't help but to finish and promise that she knows she owes it to Liz and Jason to do everything she can to get Jakeson back. They've reached their destination and get out of the car.

Commercials

Corinthaus: Milo and Max carry Claud's bags in. Max says "welcome home Mrs...uh...Nu Mrs C." they all share an awkward giggle. Sonny asks Milo to set Claud up in a room overlooking the lake. Milo doofs "your room, sir?" But Max shuts him up. They go upstairs. Sonny offers Claud a drink, and she asks how their wedding compared to all his other ones. He says it was just business, but he must like her b/c she gets ice in her water. He never even did that for Brenda!

Roadside: Copper tries to get Johnny to quit being an idiot b/c of how he can actually arrest or shoot him at will. Johnny petulantly says he doesn't want to calm down. Copper angrily tells Loo to take Johnny somewhere to chill out. Then big, bad Johnny sucker punches the Cop and knocks him out. THEN big, bad Johnny hops in the car and runs away like the worst combination of a sissy and a bully. He sat around goading this cop. He knocked him out and left him in the cold December night in upstate New York, but he's just going to drive away b/c he actually DOESN'T want to face consequences. Johnny sucks.

Z'House: Carly shows up to see Trevor. He says he's been banished from the inner circle. She says this is about Kate. She somehow learned that Trevor called to check up on Kate every day she was in the hospital, and she's curious about his motives. Trevor jumps to the point and asks what she wants. She takes her drink and wigglingly says "what if I could give you your Katy back?"

Desolate Cabin: More cops have shown up, and Liz is warily giving them a statement. Liz is freaked to learn that the cop hasn't heard from Jason or Sam. Even though there is a dead body, Lucky talks the cop into letting him get the rest of Liz's statement later. They leave.

The Danger Zone: Sam is in the woods and runs into a Russian. She's just a decoy, though, so Superjase can sneak up and knock him out. Apparently they already used all the hot Russians, because this guy is on the balding, tubby side. and by "side" I mean, he could be the quarterback for Team Tubby.

Commercials

Corinthaus: Claud and Sonny talk about Wheels. She says he wants it badly, and that Sonny played it brilliantly. She wants to see her room and asks to be escorted so she doesn't see anything she shouldn't. He reluctantly agrees.

Kate's Beige House: kate sits around and pretends to work, even though it's the middle of the night, and she's already had a bottle of champagne to herself as well as interrupted sex. Olivia comes home and tries to be comforting, but Kate just snaps at Olivia that she could have stopped The Marriage. Oh, I'm remembering why I was calling her Khate now.

Z'House: Carly and Trevor continue to talk about Kate Revenge. Carly points out that Kate dumped Trevor in a humiliating way. Trevor asks if Carly thinks he wants revenge, or wants Khate back. Carly says she doesn't care, she just wants Khate's past to haunt her.

The Danger Zone: Jason and Sam scurry about in the shadows, stalking Russians.

Commercials

Z'House: Trevor says Carly is fired up and wants to land on Khate like the wrath of God (God rolls His eyes and says, Dude, I have covered every scare inch of the planet in frogs when I get bored once. Don't compare this twit to Me.")

Kate's Beige House: Kate laments that Jax came over and Sonny and Carly came by at various inopportune moments. Olivia asks if this is here way of saying she "sproinked" Carly's husband. heh. Olivia tries not to laugh when Khate tells her about Carly's dumping the ice bucket on them. Or maybe that was me trying not to laugh. Regardless, Khate sees all of this as Olivia's fault. Olivia stands up for herself and says Khate is where she is b/c of her choices. She tells Khate to learn to live with her decisions. Khate ignores all this wise advice and snots "is that what you did when Sonny dumped you for me?" and again, Sonny dumped Olivia when they were in high school.

Corinthaus: Sonny starts ordering Ric and Max and Milo around. As per usual, he sounds so laughably ineffectual. Claud appears at the top of the stairs, and she and Ric share a sizzling non-smile. Claud says she thought business could wait, but Sonny stutterbarks that she thought wrong.

Spencer Home: Liz weeps, the bereft weeping of a mother who made one too many mistakes and is now paying the most horrible price. She sinks onto the sofa and sobs that she put herself above her kids, and now Jake is gone. She stares with crazy, sad eyes into space, trying to figure out what to do.

Danger Zone: Sam and Jason are in some sort of catacombs, but the not The Catacombs. New York is a geological wonder is what I'm saying. They find a clue that leads them to believe Jakeson was here recently. But then, of course, the whole place collapses on them. As places with collapsing abilities are wont to do.

The End

GH Recap 11/17: Baby Come Back

Metrocourt: Carly meets Jax. She says she's done with the divorce papers and rips them in half. Then she makes this annoying, smug face and stares at him. She needs to blot her lipstick.

Kelly's al Fresco: Loo and Johnny make out in front of Kelly's b/c they don't really ever have anything else better to do. Claud walks up to yell at them that if she's miserable, he needs to be too. Or, you could just go get it on with hot ass Ric, but whatever, grumpy pants.

Sams' Apartment: Sam and Liz continue to drink coffee late at night and giggle and gossip about boys. Maxie says Jason is a stud and thinks there is still something there. Sam just laughs and says "stoooppp" in that way that doesn't really answer the question. Stolichnaya and Belvedere are still outside Sam's apartment and armed.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Oliva continues to pound on a door that is clearly locked instead of finding another exit. Sonny helps the barista out, and he tells Sonny he thinks a woman is trapped inside. Sonny enters the cafe as Olivia, in Jason's office, collapses.

Credits

Nurse's Station: Liz gets back to work, telling Piph that she met with Jason about A Situation. then Liz beams when she sees Patrick wheeling Robin and the wee baby Emma home. He's cutely saddled like Shirpa with baby bags. Piph and Liz have dopey smiles on their faces, that are impossible not to happen when a baby that teeny is within 12 miles. The elevator opens, and Patrick has a moment of panic, worrying that the elevator might get stuck. Robin says they are going to be great, and then gives this funny little "I hope!" Heh, it is weird when they hand you a baby and just send you off into the world "good luck with that! It's entire future depends on you!"

Metrocourt: Carly and Jax have already had this fight, so why are we watching it again? She tells him not to walk away from her kids and from "us". She says she said she was sorry, but she's acting like she's sorry that she forgot about missing dinner or forgetting their anniversary. She angrily says she didn't mean to hurt him. He sadly says she never means to hurt him. Diane walks by, anxious to get to a shoe sale in The Boutique. This nonsense that The Boutique is the only place in town you can buy nice clothes is so weird to me. Diane says she should get 20% off anything in The Boutique if she stands here and helps them. Diane angrily tells Jax that he is so lucky that Carly even speaks to him b/c he's been a disastrous husband in every way. Carly is very smug about this.

Sam's Apartment: Sam tells Maxie how she enjoyed the rush of escaping the ship, and she felt alive when she hit the water, and when she saw Jason was alright, she was glad they pulled it off. Maxie insists that Sam is as hooked on Jason as she is on the adventure. The door knob turns. They are still for a moment, but it turns out to be Lucky. Poor Maxie's face tries not to bleed awkward all over the place as she watches her best friend embrace the man she once loved enough to fake a pregnancy for. I've yet to meet the man I love that much. I hope I never do! Lucky tells Maxie they faked the break up.

Kelly's al Fresco: Claud and John yell at each other about The Danger and The Marriage. Looloo scoffs and says there is no way Claud is marrying sonny. Claud talks to John like Loo isn't there and asks him to explain it to her.

Wheatgrass Cafe: It's too bad there are all those little plants on the tables because I think it made the fire much stronger. Sonny, of course, manages to get Olivia out of the building b/c for some reason Jason's office locks people in the office but not out of the office. Mobsters are weird. Jason, of course, shows up just as Sonny pulls Olivia out. I love that Liz called Jason's building being on fire as "a situation came up." Shouldn't she be alerting the ER that there may be incoming patients?

Commercials

Michael Corinthos Memorial Park: Nadine runs into Nik and blathers that there are worse criminals than him, and he shouldn't be deported. Nik says she lost him. She says, don't worry about it, and yes, I'll marry you. Heh. She's all helpful about it.

Metrocourt: Diane assumes that Jax has been absent physically and otherwise for almost as many days as he's been present since they got married. She says it must be easier to blame Carly for everything than take some responsibility. Jax points out that Carly just said she slept with Sonny earlier. Diane points out that Jax and Carly aren't living together anymore. She says Carly is a saint for wanting to contest the divorce. Carly looks like she's about to make out with Diane. They scurry off together to go on a shopping spree at The Boutique. I imagine The Boutique as being four entire floors of the hotel.

Kelly's al Fresco: Claud tells Looloo that Johnny will make the same sacrifices she does, if he needs to. She says marrying Sonny is just business. Looloo says she doesn't have to listen to this, so she stomps off, with Johnny at her heels. Claud calls out that he's like a puppy dog.

Sam's Apartment: Maxie says she's glad they are together, but she wants to get the heck out of there. Sam thanks her for girl talk time. Maxie admits to Lucky that she and Liz fought, and his name came up. Lucky says it's all in the past. Maxie continues to stutter awkwardly but says she really does hope they find happiness. She skeedaddles, with Stolichnaya close at her heels. Luckys asks what that was about. Sam says Maxie has a hard time adjusting to the fact that she's actually a good person. Lucky gets a call and has to leave.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Olivia gets wheeled away. Sonny says to Jason "we have to get The Revenge." Jason angrily retorts "what, you got a frog in your pocket?" No, really he just says "no, not we."

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Scrubscar: Robin sits in the backseat with Emma. Patrick is very concerned that they didn't buckler her in properly. Apparently Patrick went and bought a mini van when he wasn't sitting by her bedside. He's driving about 10 miles an hour in a 30 zone. Robin teases him and says it's good he's being safe, but they'd like to get home today.

Michael Corinthos Memorial Park: Nik sputters that he appreciates the offer, but he has a team of lawyers, and is sure they'll come up with something. Nadine says it's no problem, and it's the least she can do. She rushes off to take care of wedding details. Wow, I don't know how I could care less about how this turns out.

Metrocourt: Carly and Jax fight some more, but I can't bear to care. Kate shows up to angrily says she and Sonny broke up for good "so Sonny's all yours" Carly has the nerve to look confused by this.

GH: Liz talks to Olivia. She asks where the fire was. Um, hello, Liz, you know the answer to this. Olivia says it was at Jason's office and Jason was there and helped Sonny pull her out of the fire. For some reason Liz stares into the distance like this is in some way surprising to her. Did she think Jason was lying when he said "I think my office is on fire"?

Wheatgrass Cafe: Sonny stutterbarks that Krapov chained him and threw him into 8 feet deep of harbor water. Jason says the only way he can protect his people is to distance himself from Sonny.

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Scorpio-Drake Home: Patrick has a hard time finding a key. Why wouldn't it be with the car key? They get settled in. She says she's still sore from the c-section, so he has to d a lot of the heavy lifting for awhile. robin says Emma needs to be changed. Har dee har har, poopy diapers are funny.

Metrocourt: Kate bitterly says that Carly did what she set out to do. Carly acts like she is confused. So aggravating. Kate says that Carly is always at the right time and place when Sonny needs her. She says she's no match for Hurricane Carly. Carly obnoxiously says it's typical that Kate would blame someone else for her failings. Kate gets a call from Piph that Olivia has been admitted for smoke inhalation. Kate tells Jax and then rushes off. Carly and her poofy curls yells at Jax that Kate is pathetic for blaming her. Jax says he agrees with Kate.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Jason yells at Sonny that he'll clean up the mess, but Sonny needs to stay out of the way. Lucky and Spinelli show up and ask what happned. Sonny, in his usualy stilted way, tells that he showed up and saw men tearing the place up with baseball bats, and he saved a woman. Lucky asks if he knows who started it. Sonny says he doesn't know, but he assumes they were after Jason. Then he walks away, all sad and dejected (and pointless and annoying).

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This episode is pretty nap inducing.

Scorpio-Drake Home: Robin and Patrick silently celebrate after Emma falls asleep. I think she's sleeping in that closet. Patrick says he used to be too arrogant to count his blessings, but he's going to change that. Her being here is a miracle to him. They start to kiss, but wee Emma starts to cry.

Metrocourt: I cannot bear one more second of Jax and Carly bickering about their failed relationship. She's even wearing a purple dress of the shade my bridesmaids wore, and still I find no joy or mirth from this scene.

Nurse's Station: Shawn Douglas brings Liz Olivia's file and says she can go home tomorrow. Liz gossipingly asks if Shawn knows how Olivia got caught in the fire. Sonny shows up to mumble something about Olivia. Both Shawn D and Liz seem to have no worries about medical ethics and happily tell a non family member all about Olivia's prognosis and whereabouts. Liz is still on duty, but that means about as much to her as Sonny means to me, so she packs up her stuff, even though Piph is watching, so she can rush off to "run errands"

Olivia's Room: Sonny expects gratitude from Olivia for saving her. She reasonably points out that she only needed saving b/c she got caught in the mob war crossfire that he started.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Jason asks Spinelli to go and ask Laptop to figure out every scrap of information about all Russians that might be in the country. and fast! Jason then half whsispers to Cody "and now we take the Russians OUT"

Snowy Park: I think this is the place where Georgie was killed. How spooky if it is. Maxie suddenly notices that Stolichnaya and Smirnoff are following her. They grab her as she squeals to be let go.


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This feels like the longest episode ever.

Kelly's al Fresco: Why are Looloo and Johnny obsessed with this location? She says he didn't have to take her to dinner at Metrocourt b/c just like it's the only hotel, and only place to have an office, and only place to buy clothes, it's apparently also the only fancy place to eat in town. Loo suggests that Johnny quit taking money from his family. and I suppose he's supposed to make enough money to live by working 3 shifts a year at a diner that just burned down?

Olivia's room: Sonny and Olivia bicker, but Kate shows up and eaveslurks and realizes that their banter is really foreplay.

Wheatgrass Cafe: Jason instructs Cody on Wardom. Liz shows up, dressed all in white like a little adorable snow angel. She could be put on top of a Christmas tree she looks so sweet and pretty. She stares at Jason curiously. I guess people in this town are either guided by their heads or the laps. and somehow their hearts stop any communication between the two?

Spooky Steps: Spinelli happens upon the place of Georgie's murder and sees a figure lying there. For a second, I think he thinks he's just having a horrible memory of Georgie's death. But then he realizes it is a real person,a nd then he realizes it's Maxie. He stands frozen, and has to force himself to call out her name. Then he runs to her and clutches her lifeless body to his.

those are some bad bottles of vodka to hurt Fair Maxie!

The end.

GH Recap 11/12: Twelve Elfin Alibis

Cafe Interrogate: Because there is no such thing as real life, Olivia is hanging out at Cafe Interrogate and waiting to talk to Sonny.

Metrocourt: Jax runs into Carly and tells her Sonny has been arrested.

Docks: Jason and Spinelli meet at the docks. Though, these are more like the alleydocks with lots of crates everywhere. Did Buoy Boy leave the show?

Ship Control Room: Honestly, who is piloting this ship? Is it the sort of thing that you only have to check up on every few days? It seems like it should be more complicated than, say, just about anything. Jerry leaves Sam alone so she can send distress signals with her superbooobs again.

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More...

Spencer Home: Creepy Grandma Lesley weeps openly and snottily as Laura comes home. She sobs and repeats "you're safe!" over and over. Apparently the Spencer's are the new Q's b/c everyone gets a line. It would seem "let's talk about your marriage to Tracy" is the new "It's MY house/ I gave it to you." Lesley apologizes for lying to her about the wedding. Aw, a bouquet of flowers from Bobbie is apparently the closest thing she's gonna get to screen time. Luke offers to take her to Kelly's. Lucky has to once again mentions Liz's magical, perfect brownies. The secret is weed, right? To Liz's brownies? Random French Doctor guy shows up with a very thick accent and saying she must return to France right away for tests and treatment. Because there are no smart doctors in America. Or New York.

Docks: Aw, there is Foghorn Guy! Liz calls Jason and offers to meet him at her studio to "paint" his brains out. Jason has to work. Jason hangs up and smiles slightly at his phone. Spinelli hopes when this is all over, Jason can be with his lady love. Jason tells him not to talk about Liz and then rushes off to the nearest phone booth to change out of his Clark Kent get up into the exact same Clark Kent get up, with the only difference being invinsibility and unfallability.

Ship Dungeon: I need a ship with a dungeon, I've decided. This seems like the same Ship's Dungeon that Accentia held Jax for awhile. Nothing new ever happens in these scenes. It's just Sebastion Roche being kind of creepy in an unpleasant way. He caressess Sam's cheek and tells her goodbye. Where does one buy a stainless steel bedframe? Restoration Hardware?

Cafe Interrogate: Olivia says everyone begged Sonny not to do this. Sonny's beard tells her to shuuuuuusssssshhhhhhh because he's thinking. Then Sonny's Beard makes a snake like noise and says "sssssomebody elssssse killed Krapov. I didn't do it. ssssssssss" Olivia's eyes grow red and blurred from the obvious demon who is her child's father.

Metrocourt: Carly and Jax talk. Carly's hair is very poofy and defensive. Shut up, Carly's hair. and shut up, Jax. You are the pathetic one here, frankly, b/c you keep coming back for more. She's just a sociopath with no soul. You can't blame her for being soulless and sociopathic.

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Metrocourt: Carly promises to be faithful for the rest of her life. she knows it was the lie more than the infidelity. She asks him to take a leap of faith and give them some time. She asks if he still loves her. He pathetically says that he does and that he thinks they have a chance and that he wants them to be together. He says he will not come second to Sonny. Carly says she promises he can always come first before she blows Sonny. Oh, not really, she says Sonny is the father of her kids. Jax says he's more than that and asks if she and Sonny are done in every possible way. Carly says if he's asking her not to help Sonny when he's trouble, she can't do that. Jax decides to be a man for at least the next 10 minutes and leaves her.

Cafe Interrogate: Olivia tells Sonny that she was at the crime scene and she identified the body. Oh, is that how they roll in Port Charles? Some random person from out of town can identify a body at the crime scene, on account of how she said "yes, I know who he is?" Sonny says she needs to stay out of this. Olivia chastises him but leaves. Diane shows up and asks if he has an alibi. Sonny says he does: "Carly." Diane implies that's icky and doesn't want details. She says this will make her job easy, assuming Carly's story matches his.

Spencer Home: Lucky doesn't want Laura to go to France, Looloo pipes in that she wishes they had a guarantee, Nik points out that LS49 was invented in France. So, like champagne, I suppose, it can only be made there? Or, like those yummy cheeses you can only make if you let the cheese hang out in magical caves of delicious magic making? I guess I buy that. The kids leave. Laura wants to talk about "us" Luke says he's still trying to wrap his brain around her being here b/c it felt like she was never gone. He wants to savor the moment and take things as they come. Laura's face reveals she recognizes this as man code for "I sort of like the brunette better, but I'm such a wimp and can't say it, so I'm going to be distant and evasive until you get sick of it and dump me." I hate man code, but at least it's consistent across the species.

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Metrocourt: Diane queries Carly about backing up Sonny's alibi. Olivia flounces by, and Diane calls her over to ask what she was discussing with Sonny. She asks if she saw Sonny last night. Olivia starts to go and says she needs to ask Sonny. Diane says that stonewalling her won't help Sonny get released. Carly watches with amused interest. Diane gets a phone call, as people do in situations like this, so Carly and Olivia have time to compare notes. Carly realizes Olivia saw Sonny, and Olivia realizes Carly knows what Sonny was up to. A real brain trust, these two.

Cafe Interrogate: Sascha visits with Sonny as they nibble on a delightful looking Charcutterie plate. She says she's been authorized to have Sonny released.

Spencer Home: Someone apparently remembered that Johnny is a character on this show b/c he stops by. Looloo rushes to greet him. Laura says Loo has told her all about him, and she's delighted her daughter has fallen for such a fine young man.

Ship's Dungeon: Sam struggles with various Macguyer-y machinations to free herself from her chains. As per usual, she's not quite tall enough to finish the job.

AlleyDocks: Jerry meets Spinelli on the docks. I'm confused. were Sam and Jerry not out at sea when the Harbor Patrol came by? The HP boarded a docked boat? Or did Jerry take a dinghy to mainland? Not that I care. Spinelli says he'll beat up Jerry if he doesn't tell him where Sam is. You can imagine the quaking in his ugly dragon stamp boots that Jerry does at this threat. A bit of mild comedy ensues as Spinelli pathetically and impotently tries to beat up Jerry. Jerry, of course, knocks Spinelli to the ground with one flick of his wrist.

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Q Living Room: Alice and Edward greet Luke. Tracy has been staring out at her mother's roses and turns to Luke in surprise. Edward still has the hat. Tracy is dressed in Oriental garb. Did Tracy spend a lot of time in Asia? Edward tells Tracy not to let this philanderer get the best of her. Luke apologizes for putting her through this. There are photos of Alan and Emily on the mantle. I would think that would depress the heck out of me. Luke says that the decision is made b/c Laura is going to France. Tracy yells that this just means she once again gets stuck with crumbs. He says she knows how he feels. She asks when does she get to come first. Luke can't answer.

Spencer Home: Nik brings his horrible girlfriend, Gidget, home to meet mom. If being brought home to meet a guy's mother isn't sufficient to make her quit with the insecurity nonsense, then her fiery death can't be hastened enough. Laura and Gidget get along well enough and enjoy teasing Nik. Nik leaves to make tea. Gidget says that Laura doesn't have to worry b/c Nik is not serious about her. ugh. What does that even mean "you don't have to worry." Like why would Laura like it better if he was sleeping with someone he didn't like all that much? Gidget may be insane, y'all. Laura says Nik has managed to tell her all about Nadine, and she even knows about Aunt Raylene.

Alleydocks: Jason finds Spinelli sprawled out on the floor. Spinelli reveals that he managed to pick Jerry's pockets during their "fight" Jason smiles with such affection and pride, that I can't help but to smile too. Jason says Spinelli did good, and they go off to save the day.

Ship's Dungeon: Sam seems to be crying. Jerry says something AGAIN about his confounded plan that he can't seem to shut up about. Sam tearfully asks if he thinks his plan will really work with no dead body. He thinks it does and says "excuse me, I have a ship to explode. With Potatoes. that have calculators strapped to them."

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Cafe Interrogate: Diane and Sonny discuss strategy for helping him beat the wrap. Diane points out that if Carly wouldn't tell his lawyer where Sonny was, what kind of story will she tell the police?

PCPD Bull Pen: Carly tells Extra Cop that she's here for a meeting with Mac. Jax shows up, of course, so that he can get his big, stupid feelings hurt all over again.

Spencer Home: Liz and Laura greet each other. Laura says she's sorry Liz and Lucky aren't together, but she's glad they are friends. Liz says they always will be. Lucky says that Laura wanted to know the truth about everything, and they've got a helluva humdinger in that regard. Liz tells Laura that her son Jake is really Jason's. Her eyes well with tears as she explains about it. Lucky gently tells her that they are raising Cameron and Jake as if they are Lucky's. Laura tries to take all this in. She says she understands about protecting your children being hard. She brings up how she abandoned her first born that didn't exist until they wrote him into the storyline when he was 15. She says she has no right to judge anyone. Laura gets a phone call from France. She says she wanted to know about a doctor who visited. We don't hear what is said, but it's clear that the doctor was likely a fake.

Ship's Dungeon: Jason has figured out where Sam is. She tells him they have to hurry. Jerry shows up and tells Jason to put his hands above his head. Jerry believes Sam is still chained to the stainless steel bed (that is clearly a regular wooden bed painted with metalish looking paint). Jason and Sam make eye contact as Jason carefully sets the gun down close enough for her to reach. Jason puts his hands above his head, and Sam swiftly scoops up the gun and shoots at Jerry. Jerry ducks, and she misses. Jason lunges for Jerry, but Jerry overpowers him and throws him back against the pototatari bombs, and we hear a click as the timer starts. yay, that sound means this is almost over!

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whoops, jumped the gun on the "the end" part!

PCPD Bull Pen: Jactlikeawoman tells Carly that she can just walk away. She can refuse to give Sonny an alibi and simply tell the truth. That this would prove to him where he stands. Carly looks at him like he's asking her to split a baby sandwich with him. Sonny gets brought out of Cafe Interrogate. Mac asks if Carly knows where he was last night. do you usually ask this in front of the suspect?

Russian House of Shadows: Sascha tells a faceless person on the phone (though I'm totally betting he's wearing gloves and way too much black) and says that if her plan works, Sonny will be out on the street today, and she assumes he'll be dead soon. Faceless Guy agrees.

Q Mansion: Laura confronts Tracy. I think she's assuming Tracy hired the French doctor to make Laura think she had to go back to France. It's always hard to tell with Tracy. I would never play poker with Tracy Quartermaine. I'd lose my shirt. Tracy tells Laura that she should make a graceful retreat.

Ship's Dungeon: Jason manages to knock Jerry down, and Sam and Jason quickly run out of the dungeon. They reach the ship's railing and start to jump over, but the screen goes black just as we hear an explosion. I"m sad that it didn't end with them in mid-jump while Waylon Jennings drawls "I wonder how they're gonna make it out of this 'un"

ok for real this time: the end