GH Recap 12/03: Something about shaft as in mine

Old Mine: What were they mining in upstate New York all those years ago? Why did they abandon it? Answers to these questions are surely more interesting than watching Steve Burton and Kelly Monaco pretend to injure their backs picking up papier mache boulders.

PCPD Bullpen: Liz sits at a desk, and thumbs through mug shots. I wonder if this is the Russian edition of mugshots? She looks haggard and teary eyed. Lucky looks fresh as a daisy. That Greg Vaughn, he never really bothers to do any acting does he?

Who Cares Where: Tracy finds Luke in yet another bar. Why is she following him?

Emily's Closet: Emily sleeps. She is wearing those cute baby mittens that keep her from scratching her face, because she's so wee she has no idea what hands are, or what faces are or why sometimes there is this pain near the place she sees from. Babies are so incompetent. Robin whines that she's a bad mom. Patrick leaves and Emma immediately begins crying. Emma is pretty smart actually. I would do the same thing!

Credits

Nadine apparently hasn't been killed by her own stupidity. Nik shows up at Aunt Raylene's with a very gaudy bouquet. he meets Nadine's lumberjack of a bafoon of a cousin. Lumberjack is angry that Nik is trying to trick Nadine into marrying him. I think he also comments on Nik's princely clothes. I might be making that up. Nadine rushes in and hugs Nik.

Tiki Torture: Oh, I think this is supposed to be the Dominican Republic. It's basically the pizza shack with some gaudy colors and a beaded curtain. Luke has come to head off the divorce, I guess? But why would Tracy ever enter this bar? Is this the courthouse too? She talks about broken glass and being naked, as women on this show are obsessed with doing, and then she leaves. It starts to rain really hard. And Tracy is made of sugar, so she can't leave, I guess.

PCPD: Liz really looks in need of a nap. Sascha shows up and Liz wants to accost her b/c she assumes Sascha knows where Jakeson is. Lucky stops her and says that somehow they can't ask her where Jakeson is because they have to find out what she did with Jake. I don't think the writers even try to make Lucky make sense anymore.

Shaft!: Sam and her black bra continues to help Jason, and what I can only assume is a white bra pick up pieces of papier mache. They bicker about Russians a bit, and then the shaft goes down, which must be a nice change of pace for it.

Commercials

Tiki Torture: Why did Tracy stand in the rain so long that she got sopping wet? Wouldn't you rush in immediately, instead of standing there like Ziggy? There is, of course, no cell phone. There are also no employees. Also, Luke is drinking a pumpkin colored cocktail which is very vomity looking. Luke is calm and sure he's going to win Tracy over. Tracy opens her lovely LV bag and pulls out dry clothes.

Petticoat Junction: I dunno. Nadine yammers sadly about her aunt being ill while Piano Guy plinks away.

GH: Endless conversation between the Brothers Drake, Piph and Layla. Piph teases Patrick for being tired from being a new dad. Layla gets a call about a head trauma, but Piph guilts Patrick into admitting he's too tired to do the surgery. So why doesn't he go home and sleep? Or check into a hotel and sleep? What the hell good is a surgeon who can't do surgeries?

Emma's Closet: Robin holds the baby but instead of singing a sweet song, or telling a sweet story, she whines endlessly about her insecurities and fears. Babies really love that sort of thing, I'm told. Maxie visits and demands that Robin do some primping so she won't traumatize the baby. Robin says Emma doesn't care what she looks like. True, but she's really moved by what you SMELL like, so listen to Maxie and take some time to bathe. It's very nice of Maxie! Maxie is adorable in a black shirt and cream colored sweater with black bows on it. I'm sad about the spit up that's about to adorn it.

Commercials

for some reason Robin doesn't jump at the chance to bathe. I guess she's just so happy to have someone new to whine to. Oh, Maxie is in a black dress, not shirt. It's even cuter, this outfit. She also bought Robin nice clothes so that she doesn't send Emma bad fashion subliminal messages. Robin finally leaves to shower. Maxie coos at a sleeping Emma. I think Emma is made of whatever was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction b/c there is an odd glow coming from the basinet. Also, Maxie, never wake a sleeping baby! Spinelli shows up, and the sound of his voice wakes Emma, who begins to cry. Maxie sticks her fingers in her ears and squints at the racket.

GH; The Brothers Drake, Piph and Layla chat a bit about what they were like as babies. Patrick has decided to combat his exhaustion by drinking coffee. Ah, an exhausted and jittery brain surgeon. Sign me up! Patrick decides to take the next surgery that comes in. Layla is concerned but Piph says Patrick is too arrogant to botch a surgery. Then why was she just harassing the guy?

Shaft!: Sam and Jason bicker about how to get through the 3 inches of cardboard that surrounds them. I wonder why they don't just try kicking it over? Jason moves a papier mache rock and reveals light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure the light symbolizes the end of Jason and Sam's relationship, and the lamp represents the candle Jason holds for Liz. and the cardboard symbolizes Lucky's personality. Sam's chest symbolizes silicon valley. har har

PCPD: Mac interrogates Sascha and says that Russians kidnapped Jake and Sascha is russian therefore, obviously Diego is back from the dead and kidnapping people. Sascha leaves and Liz angrily asks her where her son is. lol, yeah, Liz, that should take care of that! I'm sure Mac didn't bother to ask, so it's a good thing you are here!

Commercials

PCPD: Liz screams at Sascha and begs her to tell her where Jake is. Sascha says she doesn't know. Liz says Jakeson is a baby and needs his mother. Sascha, says "oh, I never thought of it like that. he's in a cabin by the old mine!" Not really. Instead she blames Liez for having a mobster for a boyfriend and thus making her kids a target. Team Sascha! Lucky keeps holding Liz back. He really has very little acting skills, this one. Liz fights against Lucky and calls Sascha a not very nice word that rhymes with witch. Mr. Mad giggles, but I thought Rebecca handled the scene well.

Emma's Closet: Spinelli has calmed Emma and puts her to bed. Maxie plays peakaboo teddy bear with Emma while Spinelli takes a call from Jason. Spinelli plops down on the sofa and busts out El Laptopo to help Jason figure out how to find Russians, or some other impossibly unrealistic thing. Robin emerges clean and in new clothes and silently watches Spinelli talk to a mobster while her baby sleeps. That is pretty bad form, Spinelli. Robin asks Maxie what's going on, and Maxie chirps happily "Spinelli is helping Jason."

Mob Mobile: Jason thanks Spinelli for the magic and unrealistic help. Then Sam bizarrely rubs it in to Jason that his son is missing. I think her intentions are to communicate that she knows this is hard for him, but this is such a horribly clumsy way to go about it. You don't say things like "not knowing where your kid is, and if they are safe" to someone.

Petticoat Junction: Nadine babbles for 3 hours about her effing aunt raylene. it would be fine if she was actually crying about it, but she just babbles and uses a fake crying voice, but it's not even a good fake crying voice like Tamara Braun's. Tyler Christopher looks bored out of his ever loving mind. He tries to flash those doe eyes and seem enchanted, but he fails. I can't even call him Nik in this scene. It just looks like Tyler Christopher in a Nik costume, wishing for death. Some old man walks in and asks why Nik wants to marry his niece.

Tiki Torture: Blah blah Tracy and Luke fight some more. Luke shouts that he chose Tracy over Laura. It's very dramatic, and causes Mr. Mad to chuckle. She tells him to read her lips and leaves. Thunder claps ominously. Or comically. It's getting REALLY hard to tell the difference between the two 'round here.

Commercials

Emma's Closet: Robin throws Spinelli and Maxie out and asks them not to do mob business while babysitting. Emily Post never commented on the etiquette of such things, so it's hardly Maxie's fault! They leave, and Emma begins crying on cue. Robin makes a big ol' production out of finding this annoying. Gee, Robin, maybe if you quit openly hating your baby, she would chill out around you!

GH; patrick tells Piph and Layla to quit mocking him over and over again because he's got it under control. But then he turns around and runs into a nurse pushing a cart. Because you only do that when you are tired. Why was that woman with the cart rolling up behind a doctor without politely saying "behind you!"

PCPD: Liz sobs. her face is all contorted into self loathing and endless weeping. Lucky stupidly tries to calm her, even though she's saying what he's been saying all along. Why do people do that on this show? bitch and moan about something someone is doing that's bad for them, but then let them off the hook when they have an epiphany about it? Liz says her son is gone b/c The Danger knew Jason cared about him "and they knew that b/c of me" She says it's no different than leaving a small child unattended by a swimming pool. Actually, it's a lot worse, but I see your point, Liz.

Other Desolate Cabin, but not the one they were at earlier, or the one Alexis and Ric conceived Molly in, or the one Mary Bishop lived in, or the one Emily was raped in, or any of the ones Jason and Sonny keep fully stocked, this is a Russian-y one. It has some of those mosque-y looking spires on top. Jason and Sam gather outside the door. There is no dead Russian in the doorway, and the windows and latches are intact, so they decide not to knock politely like Lucky did. Sam wants to rush in, but Jason wants to make sure Jakeson is in there. Mr. Mad gigglesnorts at the drama of it all.

Commercials

Emma's Closet: Robin tells crying Emma that she loves her. she lists that her diaper is dry, she's fed and has burped. She wishes Emma would look up and gurgle. patrick comes home, and of course, she stops crying immediately. Mr. Mad giggles and says "that's such a doll!" Robin whines why is she bad at parenting and he's not. Emma asks if she'd like some cheese with that.

Tiki torture: blah blah, they are trapped in the rain and hate each other until thursday when they fall in love again. We know.

Petticoat Junction: Nadine explains that Nik is an actual prince, and Lumberjack and Old Man both laugh and say there are no princes in this country. Nik says she knows he's a descendent from Russian nobility. It's all very stupid and poorly acted and poorly scripted. Let's just cut to the chase: Nik has to marry Nadine because Aunt Rayeffinglyne's wish is to see Nadine married. Not happy, mind you. Not with a lick of sense, mind you. Not successful...just married. To any old doofus. I think that was a porn lick in the geetar, is how random this scene is. There are episodes of Three's Company with more panache.

Other Desolate Cabin: Jason and Sam get ready to make their move....24 hours from now. The music gets dramatic, and Mr. Mad sings along. He's so cute!

GH Recap 11/21: Grrrrllllllll power

So I know it's a bit silly that Liz and Sam would be in a minivan together. I know it's a bit silly that Liz is willing to trust Sam with her kids. But to me, this is easily my favorite twist in this silly show. It's frankly one of the few things that has my interest!

I am an unabashed Team Sam kind of girl. Now that Liez has quit liezing all the time, I can enjoy her again as well as simple Liz. (she used to be my favorite, and I never faulted her for hooking up with Jason) I find their uneasy truce to be very realistic if you pretend the mob stuff isn't there, and I also find it very maternal. I love that they totally hate each other but also are willing, for the sake of the kids and for the sake of their own happiness, and a bit b/c of their righteous guilt, to accept each other as a necessary evil and a sometimes surprising-blessing. I love that Sam reassures Liz about Jason, and I love that Liz needs that reassurance and accepts it like a champ.

I hate the GH mob. HATE IT. Don't see the need for it. This show has always been about mob and adventure and guns. But there used to be a time when the mobsters were the bad guys (and mobsters, fictional or otherwise are BAD GUYS. Always. end of story. Don't talk to me about abs b/c Jason had hotass abs when he was a doctor. and doctors? are hot. {hottest guy I ever dated was also the most boring, but he was so handsome, big blue eyes, had a motorcycle. He was a doctor. I GET the Jason thing, is what I'm saying.}

I think Liz is a dolt for wanting to be with Jason "come what may", but I dig it that she is willing to scoop her kids up with Sam into a mini-van and go to an undisclosed location. I dig that Sam has found her adventure jones, but she's willing to use that only to protect Liz and her kids. Honestly, I know most people hate one or the other, but I am in hog's heaven enjoying the heck out of them working together.
Chez Zee: Claud says she's going to miss their apartment. She's going to Sonny's house, she supposes and will be playing wifey soon.

Z House: Sonny reaffirms his agreement to marry Claud. Wheels says Sonny is getting the organization and "my precious pearl, Claudia"

Jason's Penthouse: Jason tells Spinelli that Liz and Sam were brought to one of Lucky's stupid safehouses b/c Lucky didn't want them under Jason's protection.

Minivan: Sam makes small talk and says she knows the boys are good campers. Liz smiles gamely at this, and Cameron squeals cutely. But suddenly we hear a boom and Liz screams and swerves.

Credits

Wyndermere: Jax comes in to tell Nik that his building will start soon. I can't even begin to say how unrealistic all this real estate babble is. Jax is going to build a causeway to the mainland. Nik throws Jax out. Carly shows up in a ridiculous blue shirt and tells Jax this has to stop. I hope she means the Strings of Stupidity.

Jason's Penthouse: Jason tells Spinelli they can't make any mistakes. Spinelli nervously prances about. Jason tells him the plan, but Spinelli blurts out that he made a mistake and held the Russians at gunpoint. Jason stares incredulously at this idiotic piece of news.

Minivan: Liz thanks Sam for changing the tire. Sam says it was a group effort. Liz says she was unsure about going away with Sam at first, but she's glad she's here. They compare notes that they are both feeling a bit paranoid and scared, but Liz peps up and says they'll be at the cabin in 30 minutes and no one will find them. Well, except the four guards that I'm sure Jason and Lucky insisted on! Other than them right? Russian guy peers at them through binoculars. Even though he's really close enough to see them clearly without them.

Chez Zee: Johnny angrily yells that marriage is supposed to be about love and trust and commitment. Claud laughs that he's totally adorable and says this plan is business and it's good. John doesn't like selling out his sister.

ZHouse: Sonny stutters that he's in charge and everyone reports to him. Wheels soothingly says 'of course...of course' He does ask to be kept in the loop. Ric hotly pours Sonny a glass of brandy and has it ready to hand to him as Sonny is saying if anyone goes behind his back, the deal is off. Ric gives Sonny his drink and hotly assures him he won't be a problem. Sonny looks so ridiculous in this scene. He seems to want to believe so badly that he's in charge, that he's convinced himself, but just a glace at Ric and Wheels communicates that clearly they are running the show.

Commercials

Quartermaine Mansion: Tracy has a stiff drink. Looloo, Monica and Edward talk about Luke like he's still a part of the family. Tracy finally yells that everyone needs to shut up b/c Luke doesn't live here. Luke appears at the terrace door and says "Mrs. Spencer, you do not mean that."

Jason's Apartment: Jason sternly asks Spinelli to spill. Spinelli explains that he cornered two slavic scoundrels. Jason asks exactly what was Spinelli thinking and what was he trying to prove. Spinelli sadly says he was trying to avenge Maxie. Jason says Spinelli is too smart to use a gun. "If you want to be a hero to Maxie, you stay the person you are. That's who she needs you to be." Knock at the door. It's Olivia, lounging in the door frame. she says they need to talk about Sonny.

Chez Zee: Johnny points out that Claud already once spilled a secret to Jason. She says she had hypothermia. Johnny oddly says she could get hypothermia again. She'll be with Sonny all the time, and she's sure to slip. Claud assures him again that it's a marriage of convenience. He asks if this means they aren't going to sleep together. She says of course she's going to sleep with him, since they are more compatible in bed than out of it.

Z'House: Sonny says he's going to provide guidance and leadership so the Z's can compete. Wheels says he needs them to stay alive. Sonny says they both win. Wheels says it's too bad he has to come and marry Claud, all because the man Sonny put in charge wouldn't let him back in. Sonny says he can handle Jason. (he can't) and Wheels says he's counting on it (don't count to high, Wheelsy!)

Commercials

Wyndermere: Carly yells at Jax for planning on building a resort on Spoon Island. Nik says his attorneys can keep this held up in court for years, and he still owns 25% of metrocourt. Carly says this is just a pathetic little contest with the two of them. Jax says Carly blah blah blah who cares.

Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli leaves to do Jason's bidding. Olivia says when she sees a train wreck coming, she has to speak up. I don't get that metaphor. She says he needs to let Sonny back in the mob.

Z'House: Johnny and Claud visit their dad. Wheels says Sonny has agreed to marry Claud. John says there won't be a wedding. Wheels tells Claud to go to Sonny tonight and seal the deal. John tells her not to, but she says it's her choice, and she agrees. Wheels says that Claud is looking out for his best interest. John says Wheels wants to sell Claud off to Sonny so that the organization is stronger when he's ready to take over, but Johnny doesn't want it. Claud tries to hide the fact that she wants it a lot.

Corinthaus: Milo and Max bicker a bit. Sonny tells Max that he's at the end of his rope. he tells him he's taking over Z'Organization, and to do that he has to marry Claudia. Because it's 1532. and Claudia is Portugal. I really am having a hard time following any of this. I feel like they should be wearing powdered wigs.

Commercials

Q Mansion: Alice gives Luke a massage and offers Luke some more bourbon. Edward angrily tells Tracy to get rid of Luke. Tracy says she tried. Looloo says Tracy is entitled to her feelings. Tracy thanks her and says she'll always be her step daughter and is welcome to live here. Monica says Tracy can't issue invitations to her house. Why do all these people hang out in this one room all the time since they clearly despise each other? Luke asks Alice to get rid of everyone so he can talk to Tracy alone. Edward tells Tracy to stick to her resolve. Tracy tells Luke she is immune to his romantic flim flam. Luke says he's not joking, and he's not giving her up.

Z'House: wheels says Johnny is naive. The deal has to happen whether he likes it or not. Claud says it's just business. You don't have to like the guy who buys stock in your company, you just have to take his money. Johnny again says this is a bad idea and thinks Claud believes it will be more than business. He tells Claud to be careful what she wishes for. Wheels asks if John ir right about Sonny. She drolly asks if she looks like a woman with any romantic illusions. She puts a rose in his pocket and leaves. But he hates her and thus hates the rose, so he crushes it.

Corinthaus: Max and Sonny discuss The new Danger. Sonny now thinks maybe one of the Z's shot Kate. Max asks why they would. Sonny says this is why he's marrying Claud, so he can learn about the organization and discover who shot Kate. Max asks what good this will do. Sonny busts out a Shatnerian line delivery and says "I will then.......... be in a ....pos....ition.....to do something.....about it." It even comes with a weird, slow head turn.

Jason's Penthouse: Olivia warns that Sonny will become as bad as the Z's if he joins them. She begs Jason not to let that happen and go get Sonny back. Jason asks why it's so important to her.

Hidden Cabin: The gang arrives. cameron cutely squeals and hops around. Sam goes to get supplies from the car, and Liz tells Cameron that he's so important to her, and she'll do anything to protect them. I don't think the word "anything" means what Liz thinks it means. She says she loves him, and Cameron cutes "I wove you too" back. Aw. Sam gets stuff from the car as a Russian lurks nearby. and honestly. What did he do? Park next to her? and she just figured that Liz brought an extra car and forgot to tell her? dumb!

Commercials

Q Mansion: woof, is this a boring episode! Tracy and Luke, such good actors, but they have had this conversation every time he comes back to town. It's pointless b/c we know he'll leave again. I would recommend renting "Fool for Love" instead of watching this. It's a Sam Shepard play made into a film.

Jason's Penthouse: Olivia manages to not answer Jason's question. Ric hotly shows up that if he wants to stop SOnny from teaming up with the Z's, he better do it fast. Ric is hotly amused and bored by all of this.

Jake's: Johnny gets his drink on with Coleman. Looloo shows up and offers wild and crazy hot sex. Johnny awesomely didn't hear a word she just said. He says he's thinking about his sister being about to marry Sonny.

Corinthaus: Claud struts in saying she heard the good news. Sonny sits in a chair and says she moves fast. Claud says that he hasn't asked her yet. Sonny nods oddly. Well, I guess he does everything oddly, and this is a B- in weird.

Commercials

I'm starting to think this episode will never end.

Wyndermere: Carly continues to whine to Nik that if Nik fights Jax, he'll just be more obnoxious. Nik asks what the other solution is. Jax comes back in and Nik rudely says "didn't you leave?" and honestly. Jactslikeanidiot is looking so petty and silly. Jax says the surveyors are coming tomorrow and wants to know if Nik will work with them. Well, what does that even mean? the surveyors will simply do their job and don't need to bother Nik in the slightest. Are their hounds that have to be called off? I assume there are hounds, right? Carly tells Nik he should sell her back her shares and then Jax will quit being such a doof.

Jake's: gah. gack. glarb. Loo thinks Johnny has to quit feeling guilty for being a Zacharra. Oh, Loo, rose by any other name would smell as trite.

Corinthaus: Sonny and Claud talk about getting married. Sonny asks all bored "Claudia, would you marry me?" as if he's asking for sports scores. Or really, more like he's watching a game and she's standing in front of the TV wanting to ask about laundry, and he angrily says "Claud, you make a better door than a window." Olivia eaveslurks from the terrace.

Hidden cabin: Liz calls Jason from the effing working phone in the hidden cabin. Who on earth has been paying all the utilities for this place all this time. I hope they get HBO b/c it would be a shame to miss the True Blood finale. Liz says everything is fine, and he doesn't need to worry. Liz delights about roasting marshmallows. Sam goes to get wood for the fire, but her sensitive nipples can tell that the Russians are there. She tries to casually rush into the house and locks the door. She says the russians are there. Liz jumps up to use the phone, and Sam says they must have cut the line. AND SO NEITHER OF YOU DOLTS BROUGHT A CELL PHONE? Sam says there's no other hidden cabins for miles, so they are on their own.

The end.