GH Recap 1/10: Isaiah Vs. Joel

Previously on GH:

The U.S. military forgot how to make weapons without using plows, or something like that, and Nadine inherited the only plow on earth, but she had always thought that the military should use harsh language instead of guns, so she refused to let the military use her plow, and for some reason Hallifiction didn't buy her plow outright in the first place because apparently in the Port Charlesiverse, Dick Cheney and his ilk are less bright than Lucky Spencer. So now Natasha and her best bud, let's call her Silda Holis, are going to work together to bring down Hallifiction along with Nik and Nadine because apparently Eisenhower was a big dummy, and all we ever needed to bring down the military-industrial complex was Gidget. See also, Russ Meyer's controversial film: Faster Gidget, Kill, Kill.

I believe this is our last Natalia-free Friday, so enjoy.

Alexis' Office: Diane and Alexis seem to be working together to dissuade Carly and Jax from divorcing. oh, brudder.

Haunted Star: Luke and Sonny meet to drink and mumble. Sonny says he's playing Untruth or Dare with Jason regarding shipping highly illegal pillow cushions into Jason's territory. Sonny says he plans on convincing Jason he doesn't want to mess with Sonny, and he plans on taking over Jason's territory pier by pier. Luke calls it a bloodless coup. Sonny laughs and says haughtily that he's already taken over the Z's. Luke seems to believe it's a good idea but points out that once Sonny has all the power, that's when the trouble starts. Also, since when is Superjase going to not notice Sonny taking over his territory?

Cafe Interrogate: Claud visits Johnny. He seems pretty depressed. She is doing that annoying thing whereby she is wearing a headband, but no hair is actually being held back by it. She wants to help him.

Casa de 3's a crowd: Maxie is dressed in a red robe, and Spinelli enjoys the after glow of their George and Izzy-like sexcapades. Lemme guess, Jesse's stupid ghost is going to come back soon, and she'll start sleeping with him? Also, I had to stop watching Grey's Anatomy when it became stupider than Passions. Maxie says this seals their relationship, and now Winnie won't be around.

Docks: Raynor congratulates Winnie on being a good little spy.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Spinelli realizes Maxie isn't that into him. She just was reacting to Winnie.

Credits

DC: Nik and Nadine are meeting with "The Government" to talk about how she wants to beat their swords into plowshares and such. This is stupider than the time a spider bit Emily, and Nik had to take her to a magical garden to save her.

Alexis' Office: Diane explains they are going to go over the financial records with a magnifying glass. She says they will need lots of patient. Jax says he thought this would be easy. Alexis barks it could be if he'd stop sitting around like a lump and shine the light on Carly's myriad failings as a wife. Carly sits their wounded and tearful. Was the limo ride over not that fun, Carlycakes? is that the problem.

Haunted Star: Claud says she knew Wheels would do something dastardly. She says his choices are do what Wheels wants or go to prison. Johnny says what he wants also matters. He's still angry that Claud had to marry Sonny. Claud asks how much of Johnny's bravado has to do with Looloo and showing that he's decent. SHe reminds him that Loo won't be his soul mate.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Spinelli broken heartedly says he knows Maxie slept with him b/c of Winnie. Her eyes and face grow red with tears and she asks why he's saying "you. What happened to fair Maximista?" She says she didn't do anything bad, she just wanted to remind him of their connection. He sadly says she never wanted him and made an advance she knew he couldn't turn down. He starts to leave, but she calls after him that she was trying to stop him from making a mistake. Maybe you should have tried telling him you were pregnant or hooking him on drugs, first, Maxie.

Commercials

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Spinelli starts to leave, but he angrily asks why he didn't understand her low opinion of him, that she doesn't think he can make his own decisions. Maxie tearfully says everyone knows he's brilliant about facts and figures, but when it comes to people, he is a bit child like, and Winnie is a good example. Spinelli asks her to explain. She puts on her tough maxie face, but she unabashedly answers that his male role model and hero is a career criminal. She says that people take advantage of him, and Winnie is the most recent example. He says that's very insulting and mean. She crosses her arms and bites back tears because even though she's a mess, she really does believe that Winnie is using him.

DC: I dunno. Something about going to meet with senators to ask Hallifiction to quit making weapons, or something equally stupid.

Alexis's Office: Alexis continues to bash Carly. Diane bitingly reminds Alexis that they had an agreement, which is clear that they had agreed to stall the divorce. Alexis has decided she can probably do that by insulting Carly. Which is fine with me. Alexis calls Carly a trainwreck, so Diane calls Jax a traitor, so Jax asks them to get back to the meeting, and Alexis asks where they were, and Carly utters "trainwreck" heh. Alexis apologizes, but she's set her trap and Carly walks right into it. She admits she's done all the things Alexis said, but all those admitted failings aside, she loves him.

Haunted Star: Luke reminds Sonny that the feds will be looking at Sonny, and so far he's kept them off balance. He suggests Sonny grow a new set of eyes in the back of his head. he wants Sonny to succeed because they are friends and because it helps Luke's business. Luke explains that Johnny has been framed by Wheels and wants to know if Sonny can help. Gee, one guess, and the first 8 million don't count.

Cafe Interrogate: Claud lets Johnny know that Jerry Probst left a trail of bags of puzzle pieces all over the Corinthaus tribe, and she has to make it through the maze and over the balance beam and win individual immunity, or she'll be snuffed at tribal council. Then she cries because Sarah Joy Brown has to contractually cry every 3rd scene. Johnny talks about looloo, and Claud's head nearly explodes that Johnny's life is on the line, and he's rambling about Looloo. On cue, Looloo waltzes in. I wish I could be arrested in Port Charles. I'd love to get to see this much of my friends and family all day long!

Commercials

Haunted Star: Luke continues to explain that Wheels framed Johnny, and Ric won't do anything, so he needs another option. Sonny asks why Luke is interested. Luke explains that Johnny gave him money to open the HS and is his business partner. He says that a friend of his just happens to be the head of the Z'organization, so maybe he can pull some strings. Sonny mumbles something.

Cafe Interrogate: Claud and Loo exhcange cattiness. Looloo says she supports Johnny, but she's wearing an off the shoulder outfit. Claud passionately, once again, tries to help her dolt of a brother. Looloo does this thing that makes me think of ice picks and skull caps and speaks in a grating voice and asks if Claud cares about Johnny b/c she needs something. Claud looks at her with tearful rage, and I remember why I love Sarah Brown.

Alexis' Office: Carly makes an impassioned plea for her marriage, but she doesn't really plea. She simply apologizes. and stupid Jax's face only ever needed an apology. Not fidelity, or to come ahead of her ex lovers. Just remorse. Idiot. She leaves and Jax considers forgiving her. Idiot, idiot.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Whatever point Maxie could have ever had will be lost and Spinelli emotionally cries that she initiated sex to keep him away from Winnie. Her eyes fill with tears and she says if he thinks she's that shallow, then she doesn't know him. How is this bizarre, asexual couple delivering the most passionate, heart breaking performances of that last 18 months?

commercials

Haunted Star: Luke says he knows Wheels is kuckoo for cocoa puffs and it may cause problems for Sonny to get involved. (and also, he knows Sonny is a rat fink bastahd and calling him a loser like this will get his way) On cue, Sonny says he owes Johnny for putting him in Paddington last year, so he'll help.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Maxie venomously says that computer nerds are a dime a dozen, and she could have found anyone to help her. He says sadly that she lied about her feelings. She stands there, with her big, beautiful eyes full of tears, and she manages to disallow them to fall down her cheeks and issues a barrage of insults on him that Shakespeare would wince at. She says she pities him and thinks he's lame, but Georgie loved him, so she put up with him, but she's done with him and hopes he goes to Winnie. He allows this to wash over him and leaves. She runs to the door, slams it and weeps against it.

DC: dum dum dum dum dumdum dumdum dumdum

Alexis' Office: Diane is pleased about the outcome b/c they helped along the course of true love and also got a lot of billable hours. heh. Diane says it's great that both clients will go home happy. Alexis sadly says it would be great if Carly were capable of long term happiness. Eventually Sonny will crook his finger, and she'll trample all over Jax again. Alexis sadly asks what kind of friend she'd be if she facilitated this.

Metrocourt: Jax and Carly meet. Carly says Alexis is right about her, but she does love him. He says he knows. He says he instructed Alexis to make the divorce painless. Carly says divorce always hurts. (and she would know...am I right, people?)

Cafe Interrogate: Loo continues to invite an ice pick into her brain because she's acting like having a great father is an accomplishment to gloat over. forget all the times she treats Luke like dog poo, he's getting her stupid boyfriend out of jail, so she considers herself awesome. The guard shows up to say Johnny can go. Hilariously, he doesn't offer him his clothes or even unchain his legs. "take the floor with you" I guess is the subtext? Claud warns Loo that Luke better know what he's doing, and Loo smiles like a giant idiot b/c what does she care about comptence? Her boyfriends beats up cops and leaves them to die, and her brother is a cop, but she doesn't care about anything but Johnny's hotness. Don't get me wrong. I'd probably be an idiot about Johnny at 19 as well. Especially if I'd been 5 for 12 years.

Commercials

DC: Senator ViolinsInHisOffice says that the soldiers need good weapons. Nadine says she knows, but she doesn't want Hallifiction to make money, or something. SenatorViolinsinHisOffice says Hallifiction didn't start the war. Omg, I can't begin to tell you how much I loathe this story line. It's not even that it's dumb b/c I watched Marlena be possessed by the devil every day for months in college. It's that it's so halfassed.

Docks: Claud and her pleather coat rush to Sonny and says Johnny was just released from jail. Sonny plays it off, but Claud knows that Sonny was involved. She says Z'army isn't that into Sonny and Wheels will find out. Sonny says he owed Johnny. Instead of saying "yes, you do, you creep, you're almost even", Claud agrees that she now owes Sonny.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Maxie remembers getting the Most Awesome Mixed Tape ever in the form of the journal he made that traced the evolution of beauty since the dawn of time. In the present, she sits in the living room and sobs. Johnny and Loo stumble in, in a romantic clinch. Maxie sucks up her tears and says casually that she found what she was looking for regarding a poem Spinelli put in the book. Looloo actually manages to be Lulu for a minute and asks Maxie if she's okay. Maxie nods and shoves off the blankie and mumbles something about how she's fine b/c she's done it again, only this time it was to a true friend, and she rushes out the door while Johnny and Looloo look at each other in concern.

Commercials

It's just...show, if you want to make some sort of political blabber jabber about the military-industrial complex, then actually DO something. Don't cut and paste this tedious story line that makes no sense. So now suddenly Nik busts out a document for Nadine to sign that gives him control of the patent. A magical, non-notary requiring document. Nik announces that Hallifiction will thusly not be using the plow. They'll have to beat their thumtacks into swords, I suppose.

Split action: Jax and Carly's song plays. as they each go to their lawyers and ask for the longest divorce ever so they can have time to rebuild their marriage. Diane hilariously offers Carly a discount on her fee.

Haunted Star: Tracy is annoyed that she saw Luke cavorting with Sonny. Remind me again what Tracy loves about Luke? it's not the way he acts. it's not who he knows. they never have sex. why are they a couple? Luke charmingly warns her not to police his activities. FYI, this is the exact relationship Liz and Jason would have had if they had become a couple, so be glad for the pleasant moments you go.

Docks: Somehow Claud can tell that the ship in the distance is Sonny's ship, but it's heading towards Jason's pier. Claud says Jason won't stand for this and asks how he thinks Jason will react. On cue, their faces light up orange and we hear an explosion. You rat bastards better not have hurt the buoy bell! Sonny stares and then smiles with a bit of pride in his borg-like protege and says "well, probably like that." heh, I was wondering where Jason was this whole episode. You go, Superjase!

Other Docks: Maxie rushes about with a bouquet of flowers. She sees Spinelli and calls his name. At that moment, men in black show up to arrest Spinelli for treason and such. dun dun dunnnnnn.

the end