GH Recap 12/16: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...

Mr. Mad put up our tree today. It's one of those fake ones that comes pre-lit. I don't know what took us so long. Even without ornaments, it's so pretty. I think I'll keep it up until Easter like I did a few years ago. There's a bar in town, Lala's Little Nugget, and it's Christmas there year 'round. Even on Halloween, all the elves and Santa's are covered in spiders and webs.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Looloo breaks the news that they thought Spinelli was with Maxie. We hear Maxie hilariously exclaim "Ah, a little higher" I'm not sure I've even been doing it right for that to be a thing to say. I get harder or faster. Anyhoo, Spinelli is bummed that Maxie is with someone else.

Docks: Sascha is amused they've caught Sam.

Jason's Penthouse: Diane shows up and Jason cuts to the chase: he can have immunity for turning in Sonny.

Corinthaus: Claud and Sonny continue to try desperately to pretend it's the 90's, and that we are in any way wanting them to be a couple, or happy, or partially naked. Just so's you know writers, we are not.

Credits.

Haunted Star: Oh, good, it's Jax. Color me elated. Jax meets with Luke. I'm assuming he's bought Luke's lease from a group of Druids that owned the trees that made the boat or something? Luke says he has a hacked off wife to deal with. He's trying to convince Tracy that he's suicidal. Why is he telling Jax? How can Luke POSSIBLY not loathe Jax? Jax snottily says it must be a Spencer thing b/c he sounds like Carly. So Luke pulls out the sawed off shotgun and takes out Jax's lungs, and then hires some goons to toss him in the drink, and we are free!

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Looloo improbably decides to drag Spinelli into Maxie's room to make her face the consequences. They, of course, find Maxie sitting on the bed and pounding on the wall and hollering "yes, oh, yes" and it's totally stupid, but I love Maxie, so I'm going to just forgive it. Also, Looloo says "having fun with yourself?"

Corinthaus: Claud and Sonny talk about their relationship. Sonny continues to be so seductive and say he doesn't hate her guts anymore. Man, that is so hot. Everytime a man says that to me.....woof! Now, see, I found it entertaining to watch Ric play Claud and Claud play Ric but also Claud and Ric to really sort of dig each other. What was wrong with that? This is like watching my lamp and that speaker over there try to get each other naked.

Jason's Apartment: Diane is dubious about the Feds, but she still thinks it's a tempting offer. Jason says he only has to give info about Sonny and the Z's. Diane sighs as if she just walked into a sample sale, put together by Manolo himself, all in her size. She says "an argument existst that it's the right thing to do" Jason says it's not allowed where he comes from. Diane paints and Obamany portrait of peace and harmony and hope and awesomeness forever. Jason shrugs. I always pegged him for a Palin man.

Docks: Sam chooses to act like she's 20 of her. Or that her hair is made of Uzi's. She chooses to be snotty and arrogant to Sascha. Sascha chooses to act like she has 2 goons who outweigh Sam by roughly a Toyota Yaris, and demands they grab Sam and carry her away.

Commercials

Haunted Star: Jax breaks the news that he and Carly are divorcing. Jactslikeadouche is here to get in Luke's face about various scams he's done against Carly. Um, Jactshole, Luke might be a tad peeved that St. Carly came to town with the plan to destroy his sister. Luke is all too happy to have no regrets for any pain he's caused Carly. Thankfully Olivia shows up asking for a shot and some gambling. Oh, alas, she's not here for Luke. She's here for Jactslikehe'smanenoughbuthe'stotallynotwhereOliviaisconcernedsowhybotherwiththisnonsense?

Casa de 3s a Crowd: I think this stupid storyline has disabused me of the notion that Julie Berman is a good actress. She can cry well and do great emotion well, but not so much with the acting like a person parts. Loo and John leave. Spinelli is sad and tells Maxie that she didn't sound as boisterous when they had sex. Maxie laughs and says "silly, I was faking it!" Spinelli makes me half chuckle when he lamentingly asks "with me or the wall?" I'd had the same thought.

Corinthaus: Sarah Joy Brown and Maurice Bernard deliver a set of lines that was written for them. They even accomplish the blocking as instructed by the director. They do not, however, in ANY way look like anyone else other than actors saying lines. Way to go show.

Jason's Penthouse: Diane continues to make an argument in favor of playing with the Feds. SHe asks if he's going to give the info. and he angrily asks what she thinks. Diane chuckles bitterly and says she can't believe after all this time, he's still willing to help Sonny. Jason DUNDERHEADEDLY says that Sonny was like a father to him. (Unlike stupid Alan who demanded he not kill people for a living or stupid Edward who prayed and begged that Jason would be more than a hitman.) Jason brain damagedly says he owes Sonny a lot. Yes, like almost killing your son. Like putting chucky, who you think of as a son, in a coma. Like driving your best friend Carly insane. Like treating your girlfriends like poo. You owe him so much! Ah, Jason, day's like these, I actually miss Emily.

Commercials

Casa de 3s a Crowd: John and Looloo eat a baffling plate of Chinese food. They have at least 5 different entrees, but they only brought home a small bag. Loo begins to doubt moving in with Maxie. John reminds loo that Maxie was a champ of a friend when Loo was locked up. He also reminds her that she's sharing a room with him, and not Maxie. She grossly says they should show them what sex actually sounds like. Then they share an ickly, lo mein tasting kiss.

Maxie's Room: Spinelli and Maxie talk about the sex. She regrets it b/c she feels like she used him. She regrets that they can't have sex again b/c it was so great. he was so sensitive and loving, and she never knew anything like it. Spinelli is confused b/c she wasn't all that vocal when they did it. Maxie says she was faking it with the wall. Spinelli asks if she's faked it with other men. Maxie and her big blue eyes easily says "oh sure! and it's another reason I don't want to have sex with y ou again. I never want to fake it with you."

Corinthaus: Jason shows up and chats with Claud. She says she's glad they didn't get married b/c then she couldn't marry Sonny, and then she wouldn't be so boringly trying to kill us during all her scenes. Or she says something like that.

Haunted Star: Sonny shows up. He comments it's too soon for Olivia to be out gambling. The hell? how is sitting on a chair difficult? I will ask how Olivia has funds for gambling since she hasn't worked for months now. Sonny is snotty about Olivia showing up at his house needing medical attention. Way to be discreet, grease head. Sonny tells Jax to beat it, which I do find amusing. Olivia leaves with Jax instead. Sonny and Luke sit at a table to chat about Sonny's alliance with the Z's. He says he married Claud. Luke reacts like I did. Luke lies that "Corinthos-Zaccara" is a pretty powerful name. Sonny tugs at his chin. Maybe he's trying to keep his beard from growing. Sonny says that since John bought into the HS, Sonny and Luke are partners again. Luke's face lights up as he shakes Sonny's hand. Poor, Luke. he's gone for so long that he doesn't know that partnering with Sonny just means confusing, lack luster mumbling is on his horizon.

Commercials

Casa de 3s a crowd: Looloo creepily leans down the gigantic hallway, trying to overhear stuff. Johnny tries to pull his stupid girlfriend away. he mentions that Maxie is beautiful, so boys will like her. Looloo is idiotically annoyed that Johnny noticed that Maxie is obviously totally cute. Is it better if he LIES to you, dum dum? I have the prettiest best friend in the world, and I always knew it was time to dump a guy who would say he didn't think she was all that. Liar, liar, tentpole in your pants on fire!

Maxie's Room: Spinelli assures Maxie that their night together wasn't something he's ever thought a bad thing about. Maxie says that's why she's so glad he's her friend, b/c he woudl never treat her like a conquest. Then she hugs him. Maxie, I love ya, girl, but you got a whole lot of stupid in your head sometimes.

Central Plark: Olivia rubs her side and tells Jax she slipped in the shower. Jax says he assumed it was mob violence. She says she noticed Jax doesn't like Sonny. Jax says they've found themselves on the opposite side of mutual interests. Olivia hilariously reads between the lines and drawls "yeah, I bet" Jax continues that Sonny is a criminal, but Olivia has Jax's number and totally gets it's mostly a sloppy seconds thing.

Haunted Star: Sonny conveniently tells Luke all about how he's been wronged as a mobster and leaves out all the parts where Sonny ran all over town, begging for a war. Luke stupidly sees this as Jason's issue. Shut up, Luke. Luke says he doesn't want mob biz done in his storefronts, and Sonny agrees. Sonny then says something idiotic about Jason doing things his way, or something. I thought I'd found the least likeable TV character ever in Corinne from Survivor, but Sonny makes a surprising second with his utter lack of circumspection in anything he does. It's not even close. She's still so pathetically gross and sad and pitiable.

Corinthaus: Jason and Claud chat some more. She says Sonny is in power blah blah. jason says this is good for him. Claud says Sonny needs to stand up and take the reins. Jason blinks and stares and says "you mean against me?" No, Jason, against the effing Rotary Club. gawd.

Commercials

Casa de 3s a Crowd: Loo and John make out on the DISGUSTINGLY stained and used sofa that came with their apartment. Johnny busts out his security deposit from his apartment. Looloo sort of hilariously giggles "you are so cute! You've never had to economize have you?" heh, it is kind of funny that he just handed her a wad of cash b/c he doesn't yet get the concept that wads of cash don't just materialize on an hourly basis. Maxie and Spinelli show up. Spinelli wants them to open his housewarming gift. He hands her the Tiffany box, but it's just a super ugly rock zen garden. Like, the worst rock zen garden ever. Like, if that was the first one, they wouldn't exist. It looks like someone vomited on the rocks. The sentiment is actually quite lovely, but it's such a weirdly unattractive thing, that I can't be mad at Maxie and Looloo for balking. (Okay, I'm mad at Looloo, but mostly b/c of how annoying she is always)

Haunted Star: Luke explains how he's lost one life and fighting for another. Sonny comically wishes Luke luck. Aw I miss good old days of Luke and Sonny. When they'd both rehearse so hard and know their lines so well b/c they both clearly respected each other as actors. Tracy comes in. Sonny flashes his dimples for old time's sake, and Luke pretends to be suicidal.

Corinthaus: Jason and Claud hang out and wait for Sonny. She tells him that she's starting to find common ground with Sonny. Jason, of course, looks at her like she just said she's giving birth to a rhino.

Roadside Grave: Sascha and her goons have pulled over on a country road to kill Sam. they put her on her knees and ask if she has any last requests. Her only last request, is to be Buffy the Russian Slayer, though, so even though she's on her knees, with two guns pointed at her, she manages to grunt and lunge and get away. Because we were all so nervous she was about to die, I guess.

Commercials

Casa de 3s a Crowd: Maxie is once again in the cutest sleepwear ever. She goes into the living room to give curt instructions to someone regarding the magazine. Johnny shows up hot and shirtless, and in the weird blue light that haunts all soap characters, they try not to too obviously lust after each other.

Haunted Star: Luke and Tracy fight. Luke either has or fakes a heart attack. She lets out a string of hahahhahahhahahaha! She says it's pretty convincing, but she says "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." luke collapses and continues to huff and puff after she leaves.

Corinthaus: Claud continues to guzzle water. Sonny shows up. Jason wants to talk, but he doesn't think there's anything to say. Sonny says this is Jason's call. Jason says Claud said that Sonnny held off on the Russians when Jakeson was kidnapped. Sonny says he's glad the kid is okay. Jason leaves. Claud totally wins me back over by hilariously pointing after Jason and saying "that was...weird. That was weird! He waited all this time and then just left." heh. Sonny then vies to overtake Corinne and says that Jason knows he put Sonny in this position. Shut up, Sonny's Lack of Understanding of Human Interaction.

Roadside Graveside. We hear gunshots and Sam screams and collapses in a pile of leaves.

the end