GH Recap 12/18: Where the Kisses are Hers and Hers and His...

Luke's Room: Luke tries to rip off the monitors. He says he needs to say things to Tracy. Layla says Luke is in vtac. Luke says they can't do this. Tracy knowingly asks why.

Stupidhead Dum Dumville: Nik continues to yell at everyone that they got loads of money, but Nadine got an envelope. Gee, I wonder if there is something super awesome in the envelope, NIK. Man, he must have snorted some stupid just to get through this, so I can't blame him.

Jason's Penthouse: Jason punches at his bag. (his punching bag, you pervs)

Deep Crevace: Sam wakes up in a pile of leaves. It's apparently not a ditch, but a deep hole in the ground. I'm too bored to make any jokes about this.

Credits

Luke's Room: Monica continues to warn Luke that he needs an operation. Luke finally admits that the monitors and tests are all rigged. Tracy happily tells Monica "told ya!"

Stupidhead Dum Dumville: Nadine's boring relatives think Nik wanted Nadine b/c of an inheritance, and he's sad that Nadine probably only got some recipes and a nice letter. Nik apologizes for his outburst. they all sit down to watch Alfalfa explain that she knows they are wondering why Nadine didn't get cash and instead got an envelope. Nik shrugs. Alfalfa explains that Nadine is the only one she trusts to do the right thing.

Tree Lot: Lot Boss talks rudely to Johnny, explaining how to handle the trees. He's kind of a jerk, but whatever, he is the boss. Looloo can't stand to watch the guy be rude to Johnny. Oh, wait, it's not even the lot boss. He's a customer buying a tree. He tells Johnny not to scratch his car while loading it, or he won't give a tip. WELL EFFING DUH! Johnny would be lucky not to get a bill if he scratched the guy's car. Geeze. But Rude Customer is on the cell phone while he talks to Johnny, and that is uber obnoxious, so point made, writers. Spinelli shows up for no good reason other than the Tree Lot is apparently the new Kelly's. Suddenly Johnny realizes all his friends are watching him do this "lowly" job. Whatever, it probably pays cash, and that's tax free, and that's awesome. and He has steady work through Christmas.

Jason's Penthouse: Lucky bursts in, demanding to know where Sam is. Jason has no idea.

Deep Crevace: Sam tries to crawl out of this big ol' hole. Her face is all bloodied, and I'm guessing she's not wearing climbing shoes. She calls for help and pitifully looks up the mountain of rock she has to somehow climb to save hersel.

Commercials

Tree Lot: So Spinelli, Loo and Maxie, who BARELY work more than 10 hours a month, try to help Johnny feel better about his perfectly fine job. Spinelli picks out a tree, but Maxie finds a small, potted, Charlie Brown sort of tree that speaks to her. Spinelli pays for it. Of cousrse, he's barely strong enough to pick it up, even though it clearly weighs about 18 pounds. Spin and Maxie leave. Loo says this is good honest work, and after the holidays he can find a better job. ah, so lovely when people manage to be insulting even when they are trying to be nice. Cloolooless, shut up, okay? Johnny says he'll sell Christmas trees for the rest of his life if it means being free from his father. I love the sentiment, but there really isn't much call for them in July, so maybe find a series of seasonal jobs instead?

Corinthaus: Claud has opened the box of Christmas ornaments There are sad ones that were clearly homemade by Chucky. aw. Claud goes through the box and then calls for Milo and says there is a change of plans, and they are going out.

Studidhead Dum Dumville: The Family Stupidhead hugs Nadine goodbye. She's perfectly happy with what Alfalfa left her. Cousin Lunkhead is particularly sweet. Nadine says she doesn't know what's in the envelope, and if it's really disappointing, she'd rather hear it from him. Nik agrees to open it and says whatever it is, he knows Alfalfa loved and trusted and believed in her, and those are wonderful things. He opens the envelope and pulls out a big piece of white paper, folded in half twice. They look at it. nik scrunches his face and Nadine giggles. I go browse youtube to find a Pigs In Space episode to recap instead.

Luke's Room: Monica doesn't think Tracy will be in a good mood if Luke goes to prison for fraud, so she's going to let it slide. She tells him to never do anything like this again. Tracy is angry that this is all Luke gets. Monica adds that Tracy needs to just admit that she loves Luke and quit driving the family crazy. Aw, but Mon, you wouldn't get any lines otherwise! Luke and Tracy bicker. She tells him not to call her Wife. He lets out a mischeivous giggle and says that she is b/c he knows she didn't go through with the divorce.

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Stupidhead Dum Dumville: so, the very incredibly amazing exciting answer is that Alfalfa invented a better plow. It's come to this. Soaps used to be about rival perfume companies, or rival magazines, or rival spy clicques. But now it's a show about rival plow inventors. No offense to the plow. It's a worthy and brilliant invention that is worthy of perfecting. Just not very high on the sexy quotient, is all. Whatever. So Nadine owns the rights to a plow. Plows can kill people, so I still have hopes!

Tree Lot: Claud and Johnny meet again. Aw, Claud had a change of heart about Johnny and missed him when she saw all the family stuff. She says she loves him no matter what. But then she rather pathetically misses the point of the decent and right thing he's doing and hands him a wad of cash. He looks at it like she just pulled it out of her colon.

Jason's Penthouse: Lucky says that Sam always finds a way to get word to him, but this time she's just gone. He then bizarrely confides in Jason that he and Sam had a fight. She had been talking about going after the Danger. Jason says that Lucky assumed Sam met with Jason to fight The Danger. Lucky says yes, but now he thinks Sam went after Sascha alone.

Deep Crevice: so Sam calls out "hello!" because that's an incredibly stupid waste of time. Then she notices a pile of trash, and wouldn't ya know, there just happens to be a book of matches. Why stop there, writers? Why can't she find all the parts to build a funicular and get out that way?

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Tree Lot: Claud insists that she has her own money from Uncle Rudy and her mom, so it's not all tainted. He still wants nothing to do with her choice to marry Sonny. Claud says he's a Z, whether he likes it or not, and he needs all the resources he needs to deal with things. Johnny says he's trapped if he can't live on his own. She insists he take the money. He says again that he'd rather starve than not be independent. A Little Old Lady shows up to ask for a tree. Johnny says he's finished with Claud and goes to help his customer.

Stupidhead Dum Dumville: Nik thinks that the invention is probably used internationally to generate the kind of income, and thus the patent is remarkably valuable. nadine doesn't care about the money, just about the invention and being entrusted with it. Then they kiss.

Jason's Penthouse: Lucky has left, I guess. Spinelli is home. Spin and Jason discuss where Sam may be. Spin wonders if Lucky and Sam fought about Jason and Sam. He brings up that he doesn't like Maxie living with Johnny. Spin rambles on for a bit, but Jason cuts him off and says Lucky told him the fight wasn't about him. Jason yells at Spinelli to focus. Seriously, just turn on the video camera in the Deep Crevice and you'll know right where she is.

Deep Crevice: Sam has started a fire, but for some reason she's huddled up as far away from the fire as she can be. She hallucinates Lucky is there. The Luckination asks if he loves her, and she says she does. LOL that even the hallucination of Lucky is pouty. He starts to leave, and Sam chases him, only to run into a rock wall. I mean, literally a rock wall, not saying Lucky is as dumb as a wall or anything. Sam wakes up from her dream. hey Sam, go sit by the fire! It's warmer over there.

Commercials

Jason's Penthouse: Jason says Sam and Lucky were fighting about The Danger. Spin can't believe Sam would go after Sascha without backup. Oh, good, El Laptopo has hacked into Sam's phone. Maxie shows up and literally says with exxasperation "I know, The Russians, The Danger yadda yadda this won't take long." She quickly hands Spinelli a gift she found when shoping for Kate. She gives him a quick peck on the cheek and says to Jason as she breezes out of the room "Merry Christmas, Scrooge" hee! Hi writers, please don't just copy message boards for funny lines. Please take heed that we hate Looloo! thanks.

GH: Piph berates Luke and says she will hurt him if he brings her into one of his schemes again. Gee, Piph, or you could also take into account that you have free will and not knowingly choose to be a part of schemes that could lose your job for you.

GH Lounge: Luke and Tracy bicker. She knows she's not second, but she's also not first.

Tree Lot: Looloo has finished helping Maxie decorate Kate's new tree, and they made her dinner reservations in Manhattan, so she's out of their hair. I could learn to love Looloo if she would keep Kate in Manhattan on a daily basis! Loo has her hair in a ponytail and is here to help Johnny work. Johnny relays that Claud came by to say she respected his choice, but then she shat on it by giving him money and saying he can't get by without their money. Loo rightly and angrily says Claud is wrong. Johnny says he knows, but he's not sure. Looloo remains optimistic that she can totally have a cute boyfriend who's not a mobster. Dammit.

corinthaus: Claud comes home to open a gift to her. It's a creepy looking DVD. By "creepy" I mean, I've seen the previews. And also there are swirly designs on the DVD that looks like it is trying to hypnotize her.

Commercials

GH Lounge: Tracy and Luke bicker. Luke says he wishes his life could start now, or that his loving Laura didn't hurt her. Tracy stares ahead and says she's not talking about the past. Luke says he let Laura go and tried to get on with his life, which he imagined being stretches of binge drinking mixed with hook ups. Tracy says she was one. Luke admits he originally wanted to drain her bank account, but he never knew he'd get serious and want to plan a life with her. tracy says that Laura woke up. Luke says he can't and won't go back to what they used to have. Tracy asks what if she needed him. Luke reasonably says that she's the mother of his children, so if she needed him, he'd be cold hearted to turn away. Tracy asks what if she wanted him. Luke says he can't answer a far-fetched imaginary situation that he doesn't know what he'd do if it happened. Tracy angrily says she knows: luke and Laura would walk into the sunset, and she can't watch it.

Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli has opened Maxie's gift, and he's speechless. It's a Superman ornament. Jason thinks it's great, but Sam is still probably dying somewhere, so he tries to get Spinelli to focus on that. I think Jason is getting a wee bit bored with Spinelli's constant cluelessness about girls. Jason gets a call from Sascha, saying she knows where Sam is.

Deep Crevice: Sam tries to climb the wall again, this time focusing on a series of wooden thingys. She makes it up a few feet, but then she falls with a thud and injures her leg. She cries out in pain and frustration.

Corinthaus: Claud plays the DVD. It's Jerry (that pimple). He says he feels back about Chucky b/c he was Jax's step-son afterall. He thinks Sonny deserves the right to know about Claud's part in Chucky's produce-aisle problems, but he also loves games. So he made a DVD that details Claud's guilt and hid it somewhere in Sonny's house. Whoever finds it first: Sonny or Claud, wins.

The End

GH Recap 12/17: We've Been Waiting for You

Casa de 3s a Crowd: Maxie shows up in a super cute black dress with cream flowers embroidered on the trim. She has a cream colored flouncy sweater to go on top. She chats with Kate about work. Johnny sits around doing nothing. she asks if he got a job yet, and he rudely says if he had a job he'd be at work. Maxie wants to talk about what happened last night, but Looloo pops in at this moment and asks what happened.

GH: Luke begs Piph to admit him to GH as a heart patient.

Credits

Emma's Closet: Robin and Patrick wake up on the sofa. Robin points out Emma is sleeping. They check on her and then snuggle in for some smooching, but Emma hates Robin, so she starts crying. Also, Robin is wearing a horrible green sweater that has these blobs of fabric all along one side of it. It's like a muppet died on her shoulder.

Petticoat Junction: I wonder what Tyler Christopher did that was so terrible? Why is he stuck in this impossibly boring storyline? It's the day of Alfalfa's funeral. Nadine is very shaken up, and Nik promises to be there for her. Twice.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Maxie says nothing happened and tries to turn the conversation to work. Johnny admits he and Maxie surprised each other in the living room last night. He leaves out the lingering stare part. Johnny leaves. Looloo snots that Johnny didn't do anything wrong, but she looks guilty as sin. well, Looloo, then tell your boyfriend to move out.

GH: Piph and Tracy gossip and complain about Tracy. She's apparently been a tyrant around the hospital. Luke says she's acting like that b/c she misses Luke, so he needs Piph's help winning her back. His stupid plan is that he's going to fake a heart attack.

Corinthaus: Because it's upstate NY, Claud is wearing a tank top and capris pants. Claud yammers about putting up a Christmas tree. Sonny stuttermumbles that he used to have a tree and presents. Claud asks if they are going to have any presents. Sonny says Chucky lives at Whole Foods in Union Square, and Carly has that other kid. Claud thinks it would be nice if Kristina came over. Sonny says he won't pressure Alexis. Claud doesn't get it, so Sonny stutterbarks "I'm a Father! pause pause blink I'm not going to be with my......kids...........for christmas! I........don't need a ....a......TREE......to remind me of that."

Commercials

Corinthaus: Claud talks about the story of the Grinch. Sonny is not amused. Claud says the Grinch thought he could stop Christmas, but he was wrong "because Christmas lives in the hearts and minds of everyone everywhere." thanks, Linus. Sonny says he will go to church and that will be enough. Claud's mom apparently loved the holidays and made egg nog and fruit bread and gave awesome doll houses as presents. Claud talks about playing with dolls as if she's the only girl who ever had one. Oh well, it turns out Wheels smashed it with a hammer and threw it away. Hopefully the overlap of little girls who has that as a story is much smaller! Sonny is sad to hear this. Claud says she loves a tree and is his wife and lives here, so she's going to get one.

Emma's Closet: Patrick tends to Emma while Robin holds a bottle. she wants to make this the best Christmas ever. He says he's already shopped and hidden the presents at Mac's house. It's cute when people try to surprise each other at Christmas. Mr. Mad totally busted me buying his present online. Very annoying. Robin wants to start some traditions. Patrick says Emma won't remember anything until she's 3 or 4, so they should just relax. Taking a newborn ice skating, as was robin's plan, sounds exhausting, I must say, so I agree with Patrick.

Q Mansion: Hilariously Monica is doing needlepoint. That's awesome that she's crafty! Tracy and Monica exchange insults, as they do. Tracy cues Xylophone Guy with a wry little smile, and Monica asks what she's plotting.

GH: Piph has taken up a hospital bed to give to Luke. I guess we've already had our monthly shooting, so beds may not be as high in demand. Piph tells Luke that if he gets caught, she's going to say she was never involved. Luke asks her to calibrate the heart machines so he looks sick. Is that even a thing? Piph suggests it's easier just to tell Tracy he loves her.

Casa de 3s a Crowd: Maxie tells Looloo that her insecurity will drive men away. Johnny calls to say he has a job. He's in the Honky Park and says he'll tell her about it later. Loo happily tells Maxie, who clomps off to the east wing of their palatial apartment. Loo wonders to herself where he's working.

Commercials

Emma's Closet: Maxie rushes in and says a lot of things like it is a really long word. She's helping with wedding plans still. Robin says they are making a much smaller wedding and haven't even gotten a tree yet. What is it with these idiots that they can't give themselves more than 12 minutes to do anything? Also, where are there friends and family? Why are none of them being helpful but Maxie?

Luke's Hosp Room: Looloo rushes in, sad that her dad is hurt. Luke confides that he's fine and has a plot to get Tracy back. Loo is understandably annoyed that he's faking a heart problem. She says Tracy will be suspicious if Loo doesn't call Laura. Luke says to tell Tracy that Laura is in recovery, so she doesn't want to bother her. Luke asks Loo to tell Tracy that she's the only one who can make him live. She tells him to tell Tracy himself.

Christmas Tree Lot: Claud guides Milo to pick out a 10' tree. She asks why he looks like he swallowed cod liver oil. Ew. I can only imagine how tasty that is. Milo is afraid of angering Sonny. Ah, Johnny got a job working at the tree lot. Grumpy Customer is angry that the needles are falling off of a tree. Johnny says the tree is two days old. So buy another tree, you cow. Geeze. Claud starts name dropping Zachara this and Corinthos that. Grumpy Lady apparently spends a lot of time on TMZ Mob.com because she's immediately afraid. Claud tells Milo to load the tree.

Corinthaus: Alexis visits Sonny and begins with "what, no Christmas tree?" He mumbles at her to not start with him. She gets to business, which is about The Danger and The Russians. She's also showing off quite a bit of boobage. Sonny stutterbarks that the Russian Danger are horrible people. Alexis says Jakeson was kidnapped and people died while he was being rescued. She says there is something sickeningly wrong in Port Charles, and it's her job to stop it. Is she just now figuring this out? Sonny, by the way, totally is staring at her chest as she talks.

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Tree Lot: Robin and Patrick have dragged poor, tiny Emma out to the Tree Lot. Robin rambles about the tree she likes: 6 foot, Scotch Pine, fat tree. She notices that Patrick is dissing Robin to Emma. Patrick, Emma already knows to hate Robin. Robin sees her perfect tree.

Meanwhile Claud gives John a hard time about this job. Johnny says he's happy, and it's better than watching her sell herself to Sonny. Claud tells him not to get ugly. He says it IS ugly, and will be so when Sonny finds out she had Chucky shot. She says they get along well, and Sonny even cooked for her. Johnny and I say "oh brudder" Claud insists she's doing this for Johnny that blah blah one day he'll take his rightful place. John says he loves her, but what she does, she needs to do for herself.

Luke's Hosp room: Luke knows this faking a heart attack thing is a bit extreme. Looloo says that Luke has to convince Tracy she doesn't come second. she kisses him and leaves. Tracy walks in and says she heard about his heart attack. She is annoyed.

Corinthaus: Alexis talks about long ago before they made the critical error of getting involved, Sonny says he remembers. She says she defended him b/c of the extenuating circumstances because she believed in him. Sonny stammers that he never said he was a good person. He stands up and mumbles about The Code. Alexis is annoyed by this and stands up ranting about the code, and how she did stupid things because she convinced herself he was a "good mobster" Sonny looks at her with narrowed eyes because he both hates and loves being chastised by Alexis. She says she has contributed to escalating the violence in this town, which has reached Biblical proportions, and she expects a plague of locusts any day now. Sonny says that wouldn't be good for her b/c she hates bugs. Alexis snaps at him to not be charming. She points her glasses at him and tells him being charming won't change the fact that he is wrong, and that became more clear when he married Claud.

Commercials

StupidHead Dum Dum World: Nik says Nadine gave a moving eulogy. Uncle Max and some dude I recognize from commercials has the will. Sure, why not read the will on the day of the funeral. It's no stupider than anything else that's happening. Alfalfa appears on the TV b/c of course it's a video will. That is one of the best inventions that helps soaps, I gotta say! Alfalfa tells Nadine she has some surprises about herself. I really don't know how I'm going to survive the tense waiting period until that question is answered. Maybe I'll paint a wall just to watch it dry.

Emma's Closet: It seems that Robin and Patrick left the baby somewhere. I'm sure they didn't, but I really don't see the stroller. Patrick brings in the tree and sets it down somewhere. For someone who is so fidgety, Robin oddly doesn't insist he put down layers of carpet padding under the tree so that it doesn't scratch the floor.

Luke's Hosp Room: Tracy and Luke bicker. She's annoyed he's gone back to his old habits that hurt his heart. He's angry that she chastises him. Monica shows up and says Luke's condition is dire. I can only assume this is what Tracy and Mon plotted earlier.

Corinthaus: Sonny says he sent Kristina some gifts. Alexis curtly tells Sonny not to change the subject. SOnny keeps talking about them, so Alexis barks "she got the gifts she loves the gifts. You are not coming over for Christmas." Alexis talks about the arcane practice of using a woman to solidify a business arrangement. She angrily asks what would make him do something this dangerous. Sonny says Jason wouldn't let him back into his old biz, so he needed a new one. Alexis says the Z's have no morals and scruples. Sonny cuts her off and drawls that he's a bad guy, and he's gotta do what he's gotta do. Alexis tells him there are no more excuses or free passes, and she will have to prosecute him the next time, and the z's will make him be the one to take the fall.

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StupidHead Dum Dumville: Alfalfa leaves her stuff to the people in the room. I can't fathom you care about the details. OMG, who is this woman and these people? Why does Alfalfa get more of a will reading than Alan? She starts telling everyone she's leaving them millions of dollars. Nadine is surprised Alfalfa has all this money. she leaves 3 million in trust for sister Jolene. Oh, Jolene's not dead? Is she at Trader Joe's or Whole Foods, I wonder? Alfalfa leaves Nadine and envelope. Nik is angry about this. and by angry, I mean, Nik looks slightly less bored out of his mind at this news.

Corinthaus: Milo brings in the tree. Sonny bickers about it. Claud says she's going to decorate it, and it will be lovely, and he'll like it. She predicts that by Christmas, the sight of the tree will make him feel better. Sonny pouts "don't bet on it" He relents and mumbles "treelooksalrighittallandstuff"

Tree Lot: Maxie and Looloo meet up to get a new tree for Kate's house. I guess a decorator put one up, and Kate hates it? so she thinks her too idiot assistants can do a better job. they bicker a bit and then see Johnny working. For some reason they hide.

Luke's Hosp Room: Monica tells Luke that he's very close to death and getting bypass surgery. Tracy rushes in and Monica says there is no time for goodbyes. She has Layla prepare a sedative to inject. His eyes widen with understandable alarm.

The End

GH Recap 12/16: It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like...

Mr. Mad put up our tree today. It's one of those fake ones that comes pre-lit. I don't know what took us so long. Even without ornaments, it's so pretty. I think I'll keep it up until Easter like I did a few years ago. There's a bar in town, Lala's Little Nugget, and it's Christmas there year 'round. Even on Halloween, all the elves and Santa's are covered in spiders and webs.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Looloo breaks the news that they thought Spinelli was with Maxie. We hear Maxie hilariously exclaim "Ah, a little higher" I'm not sure I've even been doing it right for that to be a thing to say. I get harder or faster. Anyhoo, Spinelli is bummed that Maxie is with someone else.

Docks: Sascha is amused they've caught Sam.

Jason's Penthouse: Diane shows up and Jason cuts to the chase: he can have immunity for turning in Sonny.

Corinthaus: Claud and Sonny continue to try desperately to pretend it's the 90's, and that we are in any way wanting them to be a couple, or happy, or partially naked. Just so's you know writers, we are not.

Credits.

Haunted Star: Oh, good, it's Jax. Color me elated. Jax meets with Luke. I'm assuming he's bought Luke's lease from a group of Druids that owned the trees that made the boat or something? Luke says he has a hacked off wife to deal with. He's trying to convince Tracy that he's suicidal. Why is he telling Jax? How can Luke POSSIBLY not loathe Jax? Jax snottily says it must be a Spencer thing b/c he sounds like Carly. So Luke pulls out the sawed off shotgun and takes out Jax's lungs, and then hires some goons to toss him in the drink, and we are free!

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Looloo improbably decides to drag Spinelli into Maxie's room to make her face the consequences. They, of course, find Maxie sitting on the bed and pounding on the wall and hollering "yes, oh, yes" and it's totally stupid, but I love Maxie, so I'm going to just forgive it. Also, Looloo says "having fun with yourself?"

Corinthaus: Claud and Sonny talk about their relationship. Sonny continues to be so seductive and say he doesn't hate her guts anymore. Man, that is so hot. Everytime a man says that to me.....woof! Now, see, I found it entertaining to watch Ric play Claud and Claud play Ric but also Claud and Ric to really sort of dig each other. What was wrong with that? This is like watching my lamp and that speaker over there try to get each other naked.

Jason's Apartment: Diane is dubious about the Feds, but she still thinks it's a tempting offer. Jason says he only has to give info about Sonny and the Z's. Diane sighs as if she just walked into a sample sale, put together by Manolo himself, all in her size. She says "an argument existst that it's the right thing to do" Jason says it's not allowed where he comes from. Diane paints and Obamany portrait of peace and harmony and hope and awesomeness forever. Jason shrugs. I always pegged him for a Palin man.

Docks: Sam chooses to act like she's 20 of her. Or that her hair is made of Uzi's. She chooses to be snotty and arrogant to Sascha. Sascha chooses to act like she has 2 goons who outweigh Sam by roughly a Toyota Yaris, and demands they grab Sam and carry her away.

Commercials

Haunted Star: Jax breaks the news that he and Carly are divorcing. Jactslikeadouche is here to get in Luke's face about various scams he's done against Carly. Um, Jactshole, Luke might be a tad peeved that St. Carly came to town with the plan to destroy his sister. Luke is all too happy to have no regrets for any pain he's caused Carly. Thankfully Olivia shows up asking for a shot and some gambling. Oh, alas, she's not here for Luke. She's here for Jactslikehe'smanenoughbuthe'stotallynotwhereOliviaisconcernedsowhybotherwiththisnonsense?

Casa de 3s a Crowd: I think this stupid storyline has disabused me of the notion that Julie Berman is a good actress. She can cry well and do great emotion well, but not so much with the acting like a person parts. Loo and John leave. Spinelli is sad and tells Maxie that she didn't sound as boisterous when they had sex. Maxie laughs and says "silly, I was faking it!" Spinelli makes me half chuckle when he lamentingly asks "with me or the wall?" I'd had the same thought.

Corinthaus: Sarah Joy Brown and Maurice Bernard deliver a set of lines that was written for them. They even accomplish the blocking as instructed by the director. They do not, however, in ANY way look like anyone else other than actors saying lines. Way to go show.

Jason's Penthouse: Diane continues to make an argument in favor of playing with the Feds. SHe asks if he's going to give the info. and he angrily asks what she thinks. Diane chuckles bitterly and says she can't believe after all this time, he's still willing to help Sonny. Jason DUNDERHEADEDLY says that Sonny was like a father to him. (Unlike stupid Alan who demanded he not kill people for a living or stupid Edward who prayed and begged that Jason would be more than a hitman.) Jason brain damagedly says he owes Sonny a lot. Yes, like almost killing your son. Like putting chucky, who you think of as a son, in a coma. Like driving your best friend Carly insane. Like treating your girlfriends like poo. You owe him so much! Ah, Jason, day's like these, I actually miss Emily.

Commercials

Casa de 3s a Crowd: John and Looloo eat a baffling plate of Chinese food. They have at least 5 different entrees, but they only brought home a small bag. Loo begins to doubt moving in with Maxie. John reminds loo that Maxie was a champ of a friend when Loo was locked up. He also reminds her that she's sharing a room with him, and not Maxie. She grossly says they should show them what sex actually sounds like. Then they share an ickly, lo mein tasting kiss.

Maxie's Room: Spinelli and Maxie talk about the sex. She regrets it b/c she feels like she used him. She regrets that they can't have sex again b/c it was so great. he was so sensitive and loving, and she never knew anything like it. Spinelli is confused b/c she wasn't all that vocal when they did it. Maxie says she was faking it with the wall. Spinelli asks if she's faked it with other men. Maxie and her big blue eyes easily says "oh sure! and it's another reason I don't want to have sex with y ou again. I never want to fake it with you."

Corinthaus: Jason shows up and chats with Claud. She says she's glad they didn't get married b/c then she couldn't marry Sonny, and then she wouldn't be so boringly trying to kill us during all her scenes. Or she says something like that.

Haunted Star: Sonny shows up. He comments it's too soon for Olivia to be out gambling. The hell? how is sitting on a chair difficult? I will ask how Olivia has funds for gambling since she hasn't worked for months now. Sonny is snotty about Olivia showing up at his house needing medical attention. Way to be discreet, grease head. Sonny tells Jax to beat it, which I do find amusing. Olivia leaves with Jax instead. Sonny and Luke sit at a table to chat about Sonny's alliance with the Z's. He says he married Claud. Luke reacts like I did. Luke lies that "Corinthos-Zaccara" is a pretty powerful name. Sonny tugs at his chin. Maybe he's trying to keep his beard from growing. Sonny says that since John bought into the HS, Sonny and Luke are partners again. Luke's face lights up as he shakes Sonny's hand. Poor, Luke. he's gone for so long that he doesn't know that partnering with Sonny just means confusing, lack luster mumbling is on his horizon.

Commercials

Casa de 3s a crowd: Looloo creepily leans down the gigantic hallway, trying to overhear stuff. Johnny tries to pull his stupid girlfriend away. he mentions that Maxie is beautiful, so boys will like her. Looloo is idiotically annoyed that Johnny noticed that Maxie is obviously totally cute. Is it better if he LIES to you, dum dum? I have the prettiest best friend in the world, and I always knew it was time to dump a guy who would say he didn't think she was all that. Liar, liar, tentpole in your pants on fire!

Maxie's Room: Spinelli assures Maxie that their night together wasn't something he's ever thought a bad thing about. Maxie says that's why she's so glad he's her friend, b/c he woudl never treat her like a conquest. Then she hugs him. Maxie, I love ya, girl, but you got a whole lot of stupid in your head sometimes.

Central Plark: Olivia rubs her side and tells Jax she slipped in the shower. Jax says he assumed it was mob violence. She says she noticed Jax doesn't like Sonny. Jax says they've found themselves on the opposite side of mutual interests. Olivia hilariously reads between the lines and drawls "yeah, I bet" Jax continues that Sonny is a criminal, but Olivia has Jax's number and totally gets it's mostly a sloppy seconds thing.

Haunted Star: Sonny conveniently tells Luke all about how he's been wronged as a mobster and leaves out all the parts where Sonny ran all over town, begging for a war. Luke stupidly sees this as Jason's issue. Shut up, Luke. Luke says he doesn't want mob biz done in his storefronts, and Sonny agrees. Sonny then says something idiotic about Jason doing things his way, or something. I thought I'd found the least likeable TV character ever in Corinne from Survivor, but Sonny makes a surprising second with his utter lack of circumspection in anything he does. It's not even close. She's still so pathetically gross and sad and pitiable.

Corinthaus: Jason and Claud chat some more. She says Sonny is in power blah blah. jason says this is good for him. Claud says Sonny needs to stand up and take the reins. Jason blinks and stares and says "you mean against me?" No, Jason, against the effing Rotary Club. gawd.

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Casa de 3s a Crowd: Loo and John make out on the DISGUSTINGLY stained and used sofa that came with their apartment. Johnny busts out his security deposit from his apartment. Looloo sort of hilariously giggles "you are so cute! You've never had to economize have you?" heh, it is kind of funny that he just handed her a wad of cash b/c he doesn't yet get the concept that wads of cash don't just materialize on an hourly basis. Maxie and Spinelli show up. Spinelli wants them to open his housewarming gift. He hands her the Tiffany box, but it's just a super ugly rock zen garden. Like, the worst rock zen garden ever. Like, if that was the first one, they wouldn't exist. It looks like someone vomited on the rocks. The sentiment is actually quite lovely, but it's such a weirdly unattractive thing, that I can't be mad at Maxie and Looloo for balking. (Okay, I'm mad at Looloo, but mostly b/c of how annoying she is always)

Haunted Star: Luke explains how he's lost one life and fighting for another. Sonny comically wishes Luke luck. Aw I miss good old days of Luke and Sonny. When they'd both rehearse so hard and know their lines so well b/c they both clearly respected each other as actors. Tracy comes in. Sonny flashes his dimples for old time's sake, and Luke pretends to be suicidal.

Corinthaus: Jason and Claud hang out and wait for Sonny. She tells him that she's starting to find common ground with Sonny. Jason, of course, looks at her like she just said she's giving birth to a rhino.

Roadside Grave: Sascha and her goons have pulled over on a country road to kill Sam. they put her on her knees and ask if she has any last requests. Her only last request, is to be Buffy the Russian Slayer, though, so even though she's on her knees, with two guns pointed at her, she manages to grunt and lunge and get away. Because we were all so nervous she was about to die, I guess.

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Casa de 3s a Crowd: Maxie is once again in the cutest sleepwear ever. She goes into the living room to give curt instructions to someone regarding the magazine. Johnny shows up hot and shirtless, and in the weird blue light that haunts all soap characters, they try not to too obviously lust after each other.

Haunted Star: Luke and Tracy fight. Luke either has or fakes a heart attack. She lets out a string of hahahhahahhahahaha! She says it's pretty convincing, but she says "frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." luke collapses and continues to huff and puff after she leaves.

Corinthaus: Claud continues to guzzle water. Sonny shows up. Jason wants to talk, but he doesn't think there's anything to say. Sonny says this is Jason's call. Jason says Claud said that Sonnny held off on the Russians when Jakeson was kidnapped. Sonny says he's glad the kid is okay. Jason leaves. Claud totally wins me back over by hilariously pointing after Jason and saying "that was...weird. That was weird! He waited all this time and then just left." heh. Sonny then vies to overtake Corinne and says that Jason knows he put Sonny in this position. Shut up, Sonny's Lack of Understanding of Human Interaction.

Roadside Graveside. We hear gunshots and Sam screams and collapses in a pile of leaves.

the end

GH Recap 12/15: Come and Knock On My Door

Casa de 3s a Crowd: Bleck, I forgot that Maxie thought she was overhearing Johnny and Looloo have way to loud sex, but they were really moving furniture.

Alleydocks: Sascha yells at some Russians about a shipment. Because after Russians set several buildings and ships on fire, I'm so sure that they would still be able to do business as usual. Sam, idiotically, sneaks up to hide behind some wooden crates.

Jason's Apartment: Jason and Spinelli talk about The Danger. Meanwhile, someone copies files from Spinelli's laptop. they are very bad hackers, however, because a giant, animated window pops up that clearly states "copying files". Luckily for the inept hacker, Spinelli is not looking, and is instead trying to talk Jason into teaming up with Sonny again.

Corinthaus: Claud pulls away from Sonny's kiss and says she thought he hated her and asks what changed. He non answers by saying "what do you think."

Credits

Alleydocks: Sascha continues to ramble about The Danger, but then Natasha shows up! Dressed in black and zippy necklaces. She is so over the Russians and The Danger, and it's about time. She wants Sascha to either answer her questions now, or prepare to be subpoena'd. Sascha asks on what grounds, and Natasha points out that the stupid Russians have blown up half the town at this point, so this is a dumb question.

Sam's Apartment Lucky shows up with a box. It looks like the sort of box you'd put pastries in. He realizes Sam isn't home, and poutily snots "so much for dinner." Well, since your idea of "dinner" is a big cake, Lucky, it's no wonder Sam isn't there. Yo don't maintain a body like that by eating sheet cake for dinner, you dimwit.

Casa de 3's a crowd: Even Maxie can't save how stupid and xylophone-y this scene is.

Jason's Penthouse: Jason angrily tells Spinelli that Sonny is the reason that Jason's family and businesses have been targeted. He gruffly says he doesn't think Sonny thought Jakeson would be kidnapped when he shot Krapov, but he should have. About dang time someone noticed Sonny's culpability in all this!

Corinthaus: Sonny and Claud boringingly discuss this kiss. She doesn't know if he's trying to strengthen his ties to the Z's by strengthening their marriage. Or maybe he's not feeling as compelled to go back to Kate as he thought he would. Sonny says she's reading more into the kiss than she should. Is this how he's planning on seducing her? By insulting her? Claud also wants to discuss The Danger as well. She thinks on the one hand, he wants the Z's to help him with The Russians, but on the other hand, they know Jason is vulnerable, and so does Sonny, so he wants to make a move against Jason. Sonny mumbleasks why he'd do that to his oldest friend. Claud twirls her hair and says no one believes Sonny and Jason are friends anymore, including Sonny and Jason. heh.

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Corinthaus: Claud taunts Sonny a bit that Sonny gave Jason the Biz, but Jason wouldn't give it back. Sonny finally tells her that Jason and Carly plotted to take his sons away from him. You know who helped with that, Sonny? You did by not hiring guards to protect your kids. Also, Claud helped a lot by hiring the hitman who shot your son!

Haunted Star: Lucky mopes over to the HS to talk to his dad and share pastries with him. Does Lucky have an eating disorder?

Alleydocks: Sascha says her business associate was murdered. Alexis explains that a Desolate Mountain Bar blew up with a kid inside, but Sascha knew that. Sascha says she didn't know it at the time, and that the kid's mother accosted her at the hospital. Alexis asks if the name Jakeson Spencer means nothing to her. Alexis says she knows Sascha is not from this country, but it's frowned upon to threaten the district attorney. Sascha says she thinks Natasha is harassing her to deflect attention from her lover who has disappeared, and her daughter, who unfortunately has not. sam, who has been eaveslurking behind some crates, makes a rotten egg face at this.

Jason's Penthouse: Jason explains this all started 10 months ago when Chucky was put into a coma, and Sonny hasn't been thinking right since. Jason says he tried to explain to Sonny that people like them don't get to be happy, but he stupidly started making plans to be just that with Liz. He says Sonny is still lying, and I think he means to himself. Jason says he doesn't know if Sonny is planning a move against him. A knock at the door reveals Special Agent Raynor. Spinelli dutifully leaves, and Jason asks if he needs his attorney. SA Raynor says he doesn't, " what I have to say may save your life." Psst, Special Agent Raynor, just so's you know, no matter what you say or don't say or do or don't do, Jason is going to die an old man. He's Superjase! It should have been in your report.

Commercials

Alleydocks: Sascha says Natasha's personal life is common knowledge. Well, it is for creepy bad guys who are stalking her, Sascha. Natasha tells Sascha to get her guards to back off. Sascha calls Sam a drug smuggling slut. Natasha gets in Sascha's face and repeats that Sas needs to call of her guards, or she'll send the text giving the police Sascha's location. Sam smiles happily at her badass of a mom.

Haunted Star: Lucky whines to Lucky that his girlfriend has bigger balls than him. Luke eats pastries and says "Cowboy, it's time you learn that just b/c you love someone, doesn't mean you can make a life with them."

Corinthaus: Sonny gives lip service to his guilt about Chucky. He says he'll never see his kids again without guards around. Yes, MOBSTER, that is how it's done. Claud says maybe he can get joint custody. Sonny says he signed over his parental rights to Carly. Claud is surprised that jason sided with Carly. Why are people ever confused about this? Sonny is the quote "biggest mobster on the easter seaboard" unquote, and he took his son to a place where his business is done, and he didn't have any guards available. Because he's INSANE. I guess maybe Claud is playing Sonny and pretending to think he was wronged by Carly and Jason. She says he lost Jason and Carly, and it didn't work with Kate, so now all he's got left are the Z's. Max announces Wheels. Sonny angrily asks if he ever can just call. Wheels rudely dismisses Claud. Sonny says Wheels can leave, and he'll discuss things with his wife. Wheels relents, and Claud stays. Sonny sits to talk about Jason and The Danger. Sonny says Jason doesn't have the resources to fight him and the Russians at the same time.

Jason's Penthouse: Raynor tells Jason all about his life as Mullet Boy, and the car accident, and the being taken advantage of by a mobster for his brain damage. Jason asks if Raynor is giving him a way out of prosecution due to mental incompetence. Raynor says that this life Jason has chosen is going to end in prison or death. The feds want to offer Jason immunity from prosecution. Jason asks what he has to give in return. It's very telling that he's at least open enough to ask that question.

Commercials

Casa de 3s a Crowd: Strings of Stupidity splink while Maxie insists they make a list of rules. Looloo agrees that she'd never want to wear Maxie's clothes. This becomes Rule #1. Rule #2 is never eat Maxie's food, even if it's just left overs and even if Looloo pays her back. Rule #3 is if Johnny lives here, he pays a third of the rent. Idiot Looloo stares in surprise at this. Yep, I can peg a mooch, loser tenant from a mile away! Even fictitious ones.

Haunted Star: Luke says that Lucky likes stability and order and the old Spencer House that Laura also loved. Luke asks if Sam likes that old house. Lucky says Sam likes her hot tub (hi, writers!) and in fact they spend most of their time at her apartment. Luke is basically saying that Lucky should date Tracy, and he himself should date Sam. Not in so many words b/c it would be icky, but that Lucky is as boring as an old rug, and Sam wants to buy rugs in Morocco and use them to smuggle herself into a mobster's den.

Alleydocks: Natasha tells Sascha that she better start cooperating or be ready to go to prison. She holds up her phone like it's attached to a detonator and politely shoves her way past Sascha's gaurds. Sascha stares out at the water and somehow doesn't see Sam staring at her. Poor Sascha may be going blind and should have her complete lack of peripheral vision checked out!

Corinthaus: Sonny gets a call, leaving Claud and Wheels alone to talk. Claud angrily says she doesn't know what her father's plan is yet, but it seems to be working for him so far. Wheels giggles that she's right.

Jason's Penthouse: Raynor wants info to build a case against Sonny and Wheels. Jason says he's barely dealt with Wheels, and the Feds should know he doesn't talk to Sonny anymore. Raynor says Sonny and Wheels have done bad guy stuff, and Jason gets a blank slate if he gives info. Raynor further says that if Jason stays a mobster, they will basically look the other way. Raynor says that Jason made a bad choice when he didn't know better, due to the brain damage, so he has the chance to make good on that. He asks what Jason really owes Sonny anyway. In case the audience is actually as stupid as the writers clearly think they are, Jason clarifies "so you're asking me to give up Sonny to save myself?" Yes, Jason. He has not been remotely subtle. Gawd.

Commercials

Haunted Star: Luke and Natasha! Hang out and drink! Yay! I hope they accidentally kill someone again tonight! He tells her that he thinks it's clear he chose Tracy b/c he's here and Tracy's here and Laura is in Paris. Alexis says that Tracy wants to know that he loves Tracy the most and would choose her. Luke asks how she knows that, and she says she watches Oprah. Alexis says she has never been the love of anyone's life, and in fact has never kissed a boy where it didn't turn into a disaster. Luke says he senses this conversation has turned in a Jerry Jax-themed one.

Casa de 3s a Crowd: Looloo says Johnny is a guest. Maxie asks if Johnny is going to be using the refrigerator, the bathroom and the living room. He says yes to all three, and Maxie says that settles it, he's paying rent. Johnny says he has no problem paying rent until he finds aplace. Looloo idiotically says that Maxie is just jealous b/c she thought she heard them having sex. Shut up, Looloo. Johnny offers to take everyone out for Chinese. Probably because, like me, ever since Maxie mentioned leftover Chinese food, he's been craving it. Maxie wants to stay home and pout and stew over her list of rules.

Corinthaus: Wheels leaves. Claud thanks Sonny for not kicking her out. He says he likes to annoy Wheels, and also doesn't mind her being around. He says they are on the same side. Claud says this seems too easy, adn that when something seems too good to be true, it is. and yet, dum dums like Claud continue to ignore that instinct on a daily basis in this town.

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Haunted Star: Alexis explains to Luke that they played each other, and if he hadn't died, she'd have had no problem turning him and the evidence over. Luke nervously asks if this is just true for Jerry, or other criminals she knows. She asks if he's talking about the time he tried to kill her step mother. Luke quickly corrects saying "WE!" and Alexis says that the "we" part is what negates her ability to prosecute him. He relaxes at this news. Alexis is not the crappy sort of friend that most people are in this town, and lets the conversation turn back to Luke's needs and explains the fact that Luke still loves Laura has to be a real kick in the teeth to Tracy.

Corinthaus: Sonny says he didn't plan on treating Claud miserably. He says he's not proud of the way he treated her in the past, but he had a lot going on, and he took it out on her. Claud admits she was hardly Little Miss Sunshine. Show, please don't mention the titles of far superior and more entertaining movies b/c it just makes me hyper aware of how crappy this show can be. Milo interrupts to deliver the mail. Do Max and Milo really just hang out in the foyer? It must be so cold in there! Claud hops up to look through her magazines. He asks what they can do to make the marriage work for both of them.

Casa de 3s a crowd: Looloo and Johnny come home with Chinese take out. They can hear Maxie giggling and romping. Looloo thinks Maxie is having sex with Spinelli to prove a point. She knows Spinelli is in love with Maxie and thinks this is mean. Spinelli enters at this moment with a Tiffany blue box. That is so nice. Looloo does some quick math and wonders who is in Maxie's room. We hear Maxie moaning "don't stop! don't stop!"

Sam's Apartment: Lucky comes back to Sam's and leaves a message, poutily saying "I guess you decided to skip dinner. Next time just give me a call." and while Lucky is so whiny, Sam really was a jerk not to text him that she was not going to meet him.

Alleydocks: Lucky got voicemail b/c Sam was calling Jason at this exact moment. She whispers to herself as the phone ring, begging Jason to pick up. (we see Jason's phone ringing at his penthouse, no one around to answer it) Sam starts to leave, but realizes The Russian Goons have her surrounded. Oh, maybe Sascha's peripheral vision isn't so bad afterall.

the end


The "this week" promo is about Sonny and Claud. Annoucer: his wife's ambition put his son in a coma. (we see shots of Claud and Sonny and Little Chucky all snuggled in at Whole Foods). Announcer: This week the truth could get her killed. (turns out Jerry made a DVD that details Claud's part in hiring the shooter. Claud gets the DVD and has to keep is secret).
Sonny angrily asks what she's done. (but it seems more like he's asking about Christmas decorations than anything The Danger related)

Great gift for military families: webcams!

I've so loved watching the puppies. Brian Williams of NBC Nightly News is, for some reason, flummoxed by it. He seems like such a cool guy on The Daily Show and SNL, so it's odd to me that he's baffled by America's obsession with cuteness. Cheer up, Brian! It's been a crappy year, and it was lovely to find such an adorable bright spot.

but I really want to give praise to the founders of the site that has let us all watch the puppies for so many weeks. Ustream.tv is a site founded in 2006 by two West Point cadets, Brad Hunstable and John Ham (which is awesome because john ham is a fabulous product!) They teamed up with Dr. Gyula Feher and created Ustream so that anyone with a computer and webcam could communicate with anyone else for free. They have donated webcams to families of soldiers stationed in Iraq. They had been frustrated how hard it is for soldiers overseas to communicate with their families. Thanks to this clever site, soldiers with kids can now see their dumplings back home. I can only imagine the added moral this gives our troops and their amazing families.

I'm very thankful as well, for the added bonus of boosting my personal moral by getting to watch these cutie patootie pups for the past few weeks.

If you you know anyone who has family overseas, a wonderful gift to them would be a webcam. I have no affiliation with any webcam company, so I'm not asking you to buy what I'm selling. If your church or work or any other group has members of families with soldiers overseas, my vote is you all chip in and buy them a webcam, so their soldier can get the amazing gift of seeing their loved ones smiles and tears.

I will also say that you can support ustream.tv by clicking on any ads you see that interest you. They will get paid if you sign up or buy things from their site. Never buy anything you don't need or that you can't afford, and never give information you don't feel comfortable, but I am very pleased with this company and want to give my support! (They have also offered to donate webcams to the new families of 5 of the Shiba pups that are getting new homes. Who can't support people that want to spread puppy cuteness?)

GH recap 12/12: Take a Step That is New

Corinthaus: I don't understand where this dining room is? I like that Sonny is the only person rich enough to actually afford a separate room for eathing. Poor Nik has to eat, work, have sex and change clothes all in that one room. Claud is dubious about Sonny's intentions. He claims he just likes making lunch.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Spinelli repeats his protest about Johnny jacktrippering into Looloo and Maxie's house. Maybe because Spinelli believes that he's better at tripping over furniture than Johnny?

Sams' Apartment: Sam tries to play off pulling away from Lucky's kiss as if it's no big deal.

Courthouse: Liz tearfully asks why Jason wants her to know that he kills people for a living, and he tearfully says b/c it explains why they can never see each other again.

Credits

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Johnny agrees with Spinelli that he should get a life and his own place. Looloo says Maxie already agreed that John can move in. She did? She's dumb. It's ANNOYING to have a live in roommate who doesn't pay rent or utilities, but just drinks the milk and eats the food and uses the hot water. Spinelli is worried that Maxie will get caught in her underwear, and Maxie says it's cute that he's jealous.

Corinthaus: Sonny says that it's not like anyone in her family treats her like respect, and he's going to at least do that much as her husband. She remains dubious. But she does drink her wine.

Sam's Apartment: Sam doesn't seem to understand the concept of "upstate NY in winter". What's with the tank top. Sam explains the case that opened 3 minutes ago is now closed. Lucky stupidly thinks that's great. Sam says The Russians and The Dangers still exist. He doesn't want her to be involved, but she only likes the way her stilletto heels sound on the Yellow Brick Road.

Courthouse: Liz angrily says she knows how much danger Cam and Jakeson were in. She sobs and says she thought their love would create a magic shield around them. Jason says he should have left her alone, but she says he tried to warn her, but she ignored her kids b/c she wanted to be with him. Jason admits they are both responsible. Tears fall down her lovely, alabaster skin as he says they now know what to do. "There can be no contact with me, you, Jakeson." I guess Cameron is still cannon fodder, though.

Commercials

Ducktard Junction: Nik has been making funeral arrangements for Alfalfa. That is actually incredibly generous, loving and kind. Nadine and her hideous shirt are in shock. I think it's a leopard print shirt, but instead of gold and black, it's a teal, maroon, cream and black. It's like someone was in a really bad mood and had some ugly paints to throw at fabric. Maybe this is what Liz made in her studio the other day.

Sam's Apartment: Lucky chastises Sam for going after more danger. Sam says he puts his life in danger daily. he angrily says she's a civilian. Sam angrily says she can go places cops can't. He yells she should join the department, and she retorts they would never hire her with her background. hello, it's call the WSB. It's like no one knows about the secret military ops that rules this town. Like how they never bring up the coven of rock star vampires. Lucky leaves in anger. As he does.

Courthouse: Jason offers to put Liz up, but she tearfully says she can support her kids. he holds back tears and says he will never see his son again, and Jakeson won't have his name, so please let him provide for his future. Liz's eyes fill with tears and she promises a safe life for Jakeson. She promises not to call or try to see him. She's sorry it took her so long to see the truth. She's sorry she hurt her boys and him, she's sorry for her own selfishness. Jason tries not to cry, but tears spill down his cheeks, and he says he was selfish too. He turns to leave and stare in private. A single tear dribbles down Liz's cheek as she stares at the place he once stood.

Commercials

Casa de 3's a crowd: Maxie continues to argue in favor of having a free-loading roommate. Shut UP, Maxie. Let Spinelli take the bullet and do your dirty work and get rid of an extra roommate! Looloo snots that Johnny gave up his trust fund, so he has to live here. Loo and John go to her room. Maxie says she's really cool with it, and asks him to help her measure the mantle. Maxie says it could get crazy, but Johnny's hot, so who cares. Well, that is a good point.

Corinthaus: Ric has hotly shown up in a gray suite and red tie to flirt with Claud some more. When did Sonny get this ugly furniture? Has it always been this pidge podge of hideous orange tones? Claud insists it wasn't her idea to marry Sonny, but she's going to make the best of it. She naively says that some day Sonny is going to share his new power with her. Ric hotly holds his face in his hands and says Sonny just married her to get the power. He admits that Sonny may sleep with her, but he's not going to share anything. Claud mockingly asks if Ric is asking her to be faithful to him. He hotly says yes, as if it's the smartest thing she could do. Also? I would think it would be the easiest thing she's ever done. And Claudia? only owns black and red and I'm saying only sleeping with Ric is much easier than picking out her outfits, which she clearly does blindfolded. also...the blindfold would probably be fun in the sack with Ric.

Courthouse: Liz sits after her interview and stares into space, her eyes welling with tears. Lucky shows up. She tells him she just had the last conversation she'll ever have with Jason. Lucky sits down and asks why she would say that. I think Lucky has learned that rhetorical questions make people sound smart, and also, rhetorical questions are a good way to learn about stuff if people will answer them. Not that Lucky uses the word "rhetorical" in his mind, of course. Liz explains that Jason wanted her to learn about how jakeson would have died if Sam hadn't gotten him out. Lucky stupidly and angrily asks what that would have proved (um, the point you've tried to make 800 times to her, you dolt!) Liz says Jason was making a point, an effective point. She says if Jason hadn't broken it off, she was going to.

Random Boxing Ring: Jason is in some random room. Is this a room in the Penthouse? down the hall from the Unfortunate Pink Room? Regardless, he punches a punching bag with a great deal of vigor. Alas, he doesn't do it shirtless. I really don't understand the point of a soap character who doesn't angrily punch while shirtless. Nick on Y&R would be in boxer briefs for this scene, is what I'm saying.

Commercials

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Loo and John enter Loo's new room. Geesh, if this is the "big" room, I feel bad for Maxie. also, how vile to rent an apartment that comes with a mattress. Throw that creepy thing OUT post haste! but instead they just passionately collapse on the old, used sheets.

Ducktard Junction: Someone named Eric shows up, and Nadine is glad to see him. Nik is bored....oh, sorry, I mean jealous.

Jason's Penthouse: Carly shows up in a trenchcoat. Back in the day, she'd have a negligee on under that coat. Carly sensed something is wrong. Jason says he can never be with Liz and can never be a father to Jakeson. Carly is confused and says she thought he made that decision when Chucky was shot. He admits he's been meeting with Liz in secret. Dude, you met like 3 times with her in secret. Stupid show. Jason sits and says after the newest The Danger, he can't be with her. Carly decides to actually be a good friend and not insult Liz and asks him to talk to her.

Corinthaus: Ric says Claud is opening herself up for a world of misery, and he can't stand to watch it. Claud says she'd be sad to miss him. She reasonably asks what he wants her to say. She's only ever trusted her brother, so now she's supposed to trust him b/c they are outsiders and great in bed. He hotly says that's exactly what he's saying. She thinks maybe he just wants to take his brother's wife. He gets hotly insulted and starts to leave. She begs him to stay and reminds him she's a contradictory mess and that he knew that going in. She says she still thinks their being together is a hotass goal, but she needs time to get what she needs from Sonny.

Metrocourt: If every line Kate and Sonny uttered meant $3000 was donated to the charity of my choice, I still don't think I could pay attention. Mostly because fashionista kHate is wearing the ugliest top ever. It's like she put on an ugly white long sleeved shirt, with a hideous ruffle collar, and then an ugly black vest with gray slanted stripes, and then someone cut off the long sleeves of the white shirt, but left some of the white shirt sticking out past the edge of the vest. I hate it. I hate her hair, too. She tells Sonny she slept with Jax. He has the nerve to be hurt. She manages to tell him to stuff his sorries in a sack and leaves.

Commercials

Casa de 3s a Crowd: Spinelli points out that Maxie's room is only a foot smaller than Loo's room. He also says she can see the harbor. He's mostly concerned that she's embracing the move for its own merits and not b/c of him and Mac. Maxie promises it's for herself she's moving. We hear Johnny and Looloo grunting and laughing. Spinelli goe sto ask them to be quiet, but Maxie says he can't interrupt them having sex. the grunts and laughs are very loud, and there is much rumbling. I hope we cut to to a scene of their moving furniture b/c otherwise, this is incredibly loud and mock-worthy sex they are having. If a guy kept shouting "yeah! Alright!" during sex, I'd have to laugh and leave. Spinelli does just that. Maxie refuses to be chased away. first investment: sound proofing!

GH: Sonny and Mike gossip about khate sleeping with Jax. Sonny hops all around like a weirdo and says he's dealing with it by finding out who shot khate. and honestly, idiot, what does it really matter? She still slept with Jax. You still will always only go to Carly. Sonny explains the stupid plan to know all of Wheel's men, and they will only....oh, you know what. I just remembered I don't care about this. I don't accept the premise that anyone is afraid of Sonny. I don't accept the premise that Claud wouldn't see through Sonny. Also, why does Sonny suddenly NOW have all kinds of patience? His best friend BEGGED him, not on bended knee b/c they don't roll like that anymore, but still, he BEGGED him for patience, but Sonny couldn't be bothered. Sonny basically is who almost got Jakeson killed, but he's not in trouble in the least for it...yet NOW he's Mr. Patience?

Jason's Penthouse: Violins of Sorrow mournfully sound as Jason explains that his son's life was held in the balance, and he could do almost nothing to save him. He laments that nobody is safe around him. Carly remembers that she's his best friend, and just tearfully embraces him.

courthouse: Liz says she's the worst mother in the world. Lucky lies that she's not. She admits she put her needs above her kids. Lucky kindly points out that he's screwed up a lot, and she always forgives him. She smiles in appreciation of this sentiment. Liz admits that Jason set up a trust fund for Cam and Jakeson. Lucky is concerned it's mob money, but she says Jason made it look like it was coming from Emily. She says it's important that Jason be able to do this, and Lucky concedes. He says he knows she's going to make a great life for her boys, and if she ever feels like she's going to fall, he'll be there to catch her. Aw. She tearfully thanks him for being such a good friend and a good dad to the boys. he offers her a ride home.

Sam's Apartment: In the midst of all this, Sam decided to go shopping. She has some stupid kind of building with only a street entrance. Hilariously, the Russians park directly in front of her building. In what is clearly not a parking spot. She hides as Sascha and Belvedere go into her building. Then she insanely breaks into the van....the mobster van that doesn't have an alarm system, and she climbs into the back of their van. See, Sam, I'm all down with your Danger Girl thing, but you actually do need back up. Why not leave a quick text for someone before doing this incredibly stupid thing?

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Casa de 3s a crowd: the laughing and giggling continues. Maxie tries not to be annoyed. She then clops down the incredibly long hallway to call Loo and John rude...omg, how gigantic is this place? I'm guessing it's around 1400 square feet, which for a "crappy" 2 bedroom apartment is insanely huge. Oh, I was right. Loo and John were just moving furniture.

Corinthaus: Claud and Sonny talk about trust and such. he agrees with her that it's needed. She says someone has to make the first move, and he leans in for a kiss.

Jason's Penthouse: Spinelli comes home, and Jason is all business. he wants to know about The Danger and where their money came from. The hell? they didn't do this 3 months ago when the Russians showed up? Worst Mobsters Ever! Jason asks if there are empty rooms in maxie's building. Spinelli says it's a desirable building so he doubts it. wait, what? I thought it was the only affordable place in town? I don't understand Port Charles. Jason thinks Spinelli should move out to protect Spinelli. Spinelli stands to make a case for staying, but all that matters is El Laptopo is totally being jackaled by someone else!

Sam's Apartment: Sam "hides" in the back of a van while sascha and Belvedere come out of her building. I say "hide" because don't any of you who drive bigass SUV's think you'd notice a human being breathing in your vehicle?

the end

GH Recap 12/11: Day after caps

Emma's Closet: Robin whines about her kid. Patrick assures her. But Emma is crying as Patrick holds Emma, so it seems like her theory is wrong. Robin hates her baby, though, so she leaves in a huff. Poor Baby.

Corinthaus: I guess Olivia wanders around town with a fresh change of clothes? Because it's morning at Corinthaus, and she's in new clothes...and that blouse would clearly need to be ironed. Claud snottily tells Olivia she's better now and should leave. Sonny walks in and Olivia asks if that's what Sonny wants.

Liz's Mansion: Lucky and Liz bring the boys home.

Courthouse: Sam and Jason discuss that they have to give testimony. Jason doesn't want Sam to get in trouble, but she says she made a choice and will answer for the things she did.

Credits

Corinthaus: Claud does the Port Charles Gazette crossword puzzle in pen. Sonnny agrees that Olivia would be better off not here (meaning around Claud's bitchiness). Olivia decides to walk home to Kate's, but she has to talk to Sonny first and almost accidentally tell him about his son 8 times.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Maxie breezes in, delighted that she and Looloo have the apartment now. I don't get why it's partially furnished with stuff from the 80's. I do love that it has the exact same mantle that is in one of my mom's rooms. Maxie says the house has potential, but Looloo the horrible only sees the hard work. Maxie says she gets the bigger bedroom, because it has the bigger closet, and she has better clothes. Even I couldn't argue with that. (and I'd have been the roommate with the crappy clothes)

Q Manse: Tracy and Edward remember that ELQ is a company. They complain that the stock is down. Gee, writers, how topical. They complain about how Tracy's gallavanting after Luke affected the company. Or, you know, maybe it's the planetary recession. Luke runs in to pretend he's drunk because he knows he can behave however he wants, and she won't divorce him. Luke, I've seen people take this tact on Survivor. They assume being a jerk will get them to the finals b/c no one would vote for them, but eventually they overstay their welcome and are snuffed. Con cuidado, is what I'm saying.

Liz's Manse: Liz is in the mood to be nice to Lucky this week and to be thankful for his help. Why is she wearing my Christmas napkins as a shirt? They decide to go on a family outing. Liz gets a call that causes Music of Malady to play. Liz is concerned by the call and says The Danger is not over after all.

Courthouse: You'll be happy to know that Jason's cuts are 10 times more healed than they were the day before. Sam remains in such a philosophical mood lately. She says she feels like Dorothy and has been living the excitement of flying monkeys and opium naps, but now she's back in Kansas and it's all lacking vibrancy. She laughs at her metaphor, saying he hasn't seen the Wizard of Oz and doesn't know what she's talking about. Jason, is Superjase, though, so he turned on his metaphor translator program and solemnly says he does understand.

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Park Bench: Mac finds Robin. Did she call him, or did he randomly run into her. I love that this park is like Central Park, and you can hear the traffic noises in the distance. My friends and I tried to post to you once when we visited NYC, but we couldn't do it from our phone. I still feel stupid that we never made it to the Whole Foods in Union Square to visit the produce section and give our regards to Michael. Anyways, Robin whines about her baby.

Casa de 3's a Crowd: Looloo's hair is so long lately. Maxie adds that she's going to have to listen to Loo and Johnny go at it, so she gets the big room. Looloo takes off her coat and snots "jealous much?" Spinelli visits, and Maxie and Looloo drape themselves over him. Maxie says he's here just in time. Spinelli cutely asks "dare I ask for what?" and it's a visual joke and normally the music starts going "brown chicken brown cow" if this were a different type of movie. But it's just this soap, so the Strings of Silliness plink away. Looloo says they need an unbiased opinion. Maxie interrupts and angrily asks "should someone get the bigger bedroom just b/c they plan on having sex?"

Spencer Home: Liz has changed out of her Christmas napkin shirt. She has to go to court, I guess. She tells Lucky that when she thinks about what she did to her boys, it makes her sick. She needs to face this, so she never has to think about it again. (until she falls for Dante)

Courthouse: The music becomes sort of ephemeral. Jason comments to Sam that she stayed calm the whole time. She says she's just glad she could help. Diane comes out to call them in. For some dumb reason they are being interviewed together. We meet Special Agent Thoma Raynor. He used to be Grant Harrison on Another World. I wish I was watching that show right now. He pops a mint and leans forward to angrily says "The report reads like a wild west movie with Russians." He gives the body count and asks why they both shouldn't be charged with murder. I guess because neither has council present, so any charges wouldn't stick?

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Q Manse: Luke acts like a big ol' drama queen and says he thinks he can drink himself to liver failure in a matter of weeks. Tracy suggests he go suck some fruit in France. She doesn't exactly say that, but close enough. Luke says this is not about Laura. He stands up an stumbles to her and starts to kiss her, but she blanches and says there is no alcohol on his breath, and he's faking.

Corinthaus: Sonny assures Olivia she's welcome to stay, but he honestly thinks she better. He tells her to be more careful next time. Um, what, the next time she walks home? Look out for Russians? What a stupid show. Olivia is sad for Sonny's life. he grumpily tells her not to be sad b/c he knows what he's doing. But he sinks back on the couch and stares ahead and looks so crazy and angry and bitter, that even I feel a little bad for the guy. Olivia sadly says that the first time he said he knew what he was doing was when he started down the path towards mobsterdom. She says he does know what he's doing, and he knows exactly how much it will cost him.

SA Raynor's office: Sam and Jason tell the story to Raynor. Thankfully, we cut ahead for big chunks of the story. OMG< I forgot Jason and Sam were trapped in a papier mache mine for awhile there. Raynor is doing this annoying thing where he's pretending to have a deep and gravelly voice. Either that or the actor playing him is a two pack a day man. He asks whose idea was it to get Jakeson themselves without calling the cops. Jason and Sam intone at the same time "mine."

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Raynor's Office: Sam says it was the only viable plan, given the situation. Raynor is dubious that this pint sized woman going into roadhouse full of armed Russian mobsters was a good idea. When he puts it like that, it does sound incredibly ill advised. Now Raynor is over enunciating his words, like he's that Elf King guy from the Matrix. What is that actor's name? I love that guy. He enunciates that the report indicates they acted in defense of a minor child (so what was with the wild west jabs and the murder charge earlier?), and he's prepared to drop it.

Casa de 3's a crowd: Maxie adn Loo argue about the room. Maxie points out that she wants to be a success, and Looloo is just a dilettante. Spinelli wisely points out that they should decide up front things like sharing refrigerator space and cleaning and shopping duties. Truer words were never spoken, but boys are smart and girls are dumb, so they still only care about the big room. Shut up, Guza. They consider drawing cards for the room. Why not flip a coin? I doubt either woman carries a deck of cards around. Johnny shows up and Loo says she can't wait to show him her room, as soon as it's hers.

Q Mansion: I love these actors, but the repetition is beyond annoying. Tracy finally convinces Luke she's done with him, so he angrily says he's going on a bender. Oh, that's so charming! Luke leaves and Tracy runs after him, but Alan stops her and mocks her for still caring. He asks what she'd do if Luke really did drink himself to death. Oh, lord, we aren't going to have an It's a Wonderful Like Tracy-style this year, are we?

Corinthaus: Sonny confides to Max about this big, stupid plan that he thinks the Z's shot Kate and wants to find out from Claud if this is true, so he's going to pretend that she's getting to him.

Courthouse: Jason and Sam are done with the questioning. Sam points out that Sascha got away with all of this unscathed. Jason's eyes grow dark and murdery and he says he'll handle her. Sam exhales sharply and answers "not if I see her first." Aw, those two crazy, cold blooded killin' kids. How can they not see how right they are for each other? It's like in the Gift of the Magi when Della cut off her long hair and braided it into a noose and killed their enemy, while Jim sold his watch in exchange for a Glock and also killed the same enemy? So romantic!

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Casa de 3s a Crowd: Spinelli and Johnny are going to pick cards. High card gets the big bedroom. Spinelli draws a Jack. Maxie is giddy. Johnny pulls the ace of spades....which, these people are such losers, that they didn't make devil hands and sing "the ace of spaaaaades" like they are in a Motorhead video. Looloo then announces it's good she has the big room b/c Johnny will be living with them. That is such horseshit. Spinelli objects.

Park Bench: honk honk! There goes the bus! Also, I think kids are playing on the swingset devoted to Chucky. Mac tries to encourage Robin not to hate her baby so much. Patrick shows up and happens upon them. Just like in Central Park where you can just easily happen upon someone else on a bench. Because it's not gigantic at all. it's not like you can wear yourself out walking through a 1/3 of it.

Sam's Apartment: Sam wanders around her drab, gray, Kansas apartment and tries to unclick her heels. Lucky shows up and embraces her, saying he's glad she's safe. Did they really not have this conversation in the 24 hours she's been home?

Courthouse: Diane goes over business with Jason and says he and Sam made a good impression. Jason stares at Liz approaching. Diane realizes he's not listening and says he's on fire. He just tells her he can go. She warns against a heart to heart with Liz, but realizes she's talking to herself, so she leaves. Jason asks how jakeson is and if she's here to make a statement. She says Jakeson is fine, and she's here to meet Raynor. He gravely asks her to ask Raynor to explain to her how the Russians died.

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Emma's Closet: Patrick cutely dancese with a bundle of coats. I think there's supposed to be a baby in there. I don't know who invented putting animal ears on baby coats, but may I just say I love that person? Cutest idea ever!

Corinthaus: Oh, so who had "3 days" before Sonny romanced Claud with his cooking? You won $85 in the pool! Claud cutely picks up Sonny's plate of food and exchanges it for hers (in case it's poisoned). Tomato basil soup and sausage and pepper paninis. I gotta say, the soup almost doesn't look gross. The panini looks like a fat patty melt, though. She says breaking bread with someone is a nice gesture. She's touched, but asks what it's going to cost her.

Sam's Apartment: Lucky explains that he's wanted to be with her, but it didn't feel right to leave the boys last night. Fair enough. He says the doctor has given Jakeson a clean bill of health. Sam still feels guilty, but Lucky assures her that he and Liz both feel gratitude. he says he wants to get back to them, and he kisses her, but Sam pulls away.

Courthouse: Liz looks at her lap and asks why he wants her to hear how the Russians died. He softly says "because Jakeson would have died the same way" He says the Russians fired, and he fired back, and Jakeson's chance of dying increased with every bullet he fired. Liz tries to stop him, but he angrily says the room Jakeson was in was 10 feet from the gunfire. He repeats that number "10 feet!" he says if Sam didn't get him out of the building, he'd be dead. Liz stares mournfully at him.

The End